Married to functioning alcoholic with 3 young kids

Old 01-23-2012, 07:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 15
Married to functioning alcoholic with 3 young kids

Hi! I'm new here and hoping I'm in the right place..... I'm 31, have 3 young kids and married to a functioning alcoholic for 8 years. Early in our relationship we both enjoyed drinking and he was what everyone considered "the life of the party".....fun to be around. Then came the kids and life responsibilities. I quit drinking except for special events but he kept on. We went to a counselor who called him an alcoholic and he never went back. About a year ago he found out he had failing liver function tests and high cholesterol.(he drank 6 beers a day M-F and 12 S-S) I was both surprised and not surprised to find out that while this terrified him, he only planned to quit drinking for a short period of time. After about six months of don't and off again binge drinking I was done. I told him to quit or leave. He chose to quit around Mothers Day last year but refused to go to AA. He will go two or three months with not drinking and then he starts again, but only for a weekend. He never tells me he's going to I just notice the change in his personality. (over the last few years he has become very arrogant and condescending when he drinks. Most of our friends and family don't like him because of that.)

Anyways, so here I am now. Married, with 3 young kids, to a guy who only drinks and acts horrible ever couple of months..... for a weekend. Its not exactly one of the worst stories on here, yet I am not happy. I'm not happy because I do not like the person he is when he's drinking and don't want to see that guy anymore. Only now I realize that until he takes his alcoholism seriously and gets help I'm going to see that guy every couple of months. He is good with the kids and keeps up with what needs to be done around the house. I don't cover for him and I don't seem to fit a lot of the symptoms of co-dependents.

I just don't know what's worse..... Leave, or make him leave, even though that will hurt the kids......Or is it more damaging to them for us to live in the same house, but not really speaking. I refuse to go engage in a happy relationship not knowing when "that guy" is coming back.

I should also just add that I took vows to him through sickness in health and I take that seriously....but I came from a broken home and my mother married and divorced 5 times. So its possible I try to over compensate for that.
paigemc is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 08:36 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome paige, you are in the right place, so glad you found us.

The first thing I would recommend is to read the stickies (permanant posts) at the top of the page, also if you want a glimpse into the possible future for your children go over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics Page and read the stickies and stories there, you may also relate to many characteristics of ACOA's because it also applies to children raised in dysfunctional or chaotic homes as well as alcoholic homes.

Counseling has been a huge help for me (raised by an alcoholic mother who is still actively drinking) it helps me deal with the anger and frustration I feel, many people here will recommend al-anon. The important thing to remember is you cannot fix him or make him stop drinking, all you can control is how you react.

You can set boundaries, tell him to go somewhere else for his every other month binges (a hotel, his parents, a tent) you and your children don't have to tolerate verbal abuse.

I hope this helps, if you need to vent, this is the place to do it, you need a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to lean on or a ((Hug)) I will be here as I am sure will be many others.

Please take care, come back often and let us know how you are doing.

I will say a prayer for you and your family, best of luck.

Bill
Willybluedog is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 09:57 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome, Paige!
Forgive me but I giggled a bit at this:
I don't cover for him and I don't seem to fit a lot of the symptoms of co-dependents.
Nobody ever does. I didn't fit the symptoms of codependents either. I thought. You want to hear what I see as a classic codependent symptom? Saying "It's not so bad as some people." I said that, too. For years. Because it wasn't "that bad" -- he never missed a day of work. He had a high-flying career. He was seen as a pillar in the community. People looked up to him. So it couldn't be that bad. Maybe I was exaggerating. Blowing things out of proportion.

My AXH started drinking on weekends. Then he'd have "a beer or two" on weeknights. He went from being a protective, doting husband to a dangerous abuser who downed a bottle of hard liquor every night. It took 20 years for him to get to that point. In retrospect, 20 years that I wasted and 20 years that I allowed my children to be exposed to behavior that has traumatized them for life.

Its not exactly one of the worst stories on here, yet I am not happy. I'm not happy because I do not like the person he is when he's drinking and don't want to see that guy anymore.
That is really all you need to know. His drinking, whether it's better or worse, more or less, than any other human being on earth, is a problem for you. That means you have the right to start thinking about what you can change in your life to not have to deal with his drinking. You can't make him do anything. But you still have choices for yourself and the children.

Lots of hugs.
lillamy is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 11:17 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks guys! I truly appreciate your quick responses. I made an appt with my counselor but its not till next week. Ugh!

I want to leave because I've seen the progression of the disease over the years and I stay because I chose this man as my husband and its hard for me to wrap my head around leaving because I don't like something he does. And both are going to effect my children. I feel like I have to choose the lesser of two evils.

I have started what I guess you would call a slow departure. After his last drinking weekend I decided I was done, at least emotionally speaking. We sleep in separate rooms and don't spend time together. My oldest son who is 7 hasn't said anything and doesn't seem unhappy which leads me to believe its not effecting him. He is usually very verbal about what bothers him.

Its my attempt at protecting myself emotionally in preparation for his next drinking episode. But that being said, I guess if I'm here "venting".....its not really working. My main concern was that the kids would notice my unhappiness but instead I seem to be a better parent. Over compensating maybe? I find that I have more patience with them because I have finally let go of my emotional turmoil with him.

Another thing I wrestle with is this........Part of why I stay, or allow him to stay is that I have better control over what happens with my kids. I can see if he's been drinking or mistreating them and protect them. If we separate he will still get to see them only I might not be around to protect them. How do I separate and still protect my kids????
paigemc is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:20 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi,

How to protect the kids. Good questions! I didn't do a very good job of it. My xah is in another state now so I don't have to worry about it but it is a valid question.

Regarding your 7yo not saying anything. My kids were a little older when we separated (8yo and 10yo for the big boys) and when I had them in counseling they didn't express anything either - which at that point I knew it couldn't be right. There counselor explained something about growing up in a dysfunctional home - especially one with alcoholism. There are three unwritten rules in families living with active alcoholism.

Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I sure cried that night because my boys learned those lessons well. To well. They learned them because they lived it and because it was modeled. There was no trust in our house. There was very little talking because we were busy ignoring the elephant and trying to survive. Rage was consuming us from the inside out so we didn't feel anything because to open the feelings door even a crack - opened the gaits to hell as far as I was concerned. Resentment and anger would swallow me up and if that didn't happen something very bad might happen to me if I let out the secrets of my true feelings. I would somehow get hurt. My kids have two parents that grew up with and lived those rules, raised by parents that lived those rules. Despite the fact that I want it to be different, I have to learn how to make it different because I really have no idea how to live in a family that talks, trusts, and feels.

There is a price to be paid by living in a dysfunctional family, even if it isn't one of violence and abuse.
Thumper is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 12:53 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Willybluedog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Paige,

If you want sole custody or supervised visitation you have to start keeping records now, keep a journal, how much he drinks, any incidents, date/time/event, how long is he away on these binges, does he miss work, can he manage money, take care of his own hygeine etc, does he do anything to take care of the the kids, is he capable?

If you use the computer get a thumb drive and hide a copy on it.

I prefer a good old fashioned marble cover composition book with the sewn pages, when I dealt with a work lawsuit a few years ago my lawyer told me the courts really like these books because they cannot be manipulated like a computer or a loose leaf notebook can, if you do it this way, make copies every so often and get them somewhere safe (your moms or a sfe deposit box in your name omly) also, I would recommend one of thos cheap little digital video recorders that uses the memory cards, you can set it on a shelf and leave it run and capture bad behavior.

Best of luck,

Bill
Willybluedog is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 01:45 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Its_me_jen
 
PaperDolls's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Just thought I would share ...... my parents were in what I would call, a marriage because of the kids, sort of situation. The didn't speak much, sat in different rooms watching TV, mostly didn't sleep in the same room, and I have no memory of them ever sharing a kiss or a hug in front of me. There really wasn't much fighting at all.

It was something that always bothered me, especially when I saw friends parents interact. My parents were my example of a marriage and my picker was pretty well screwed up for a long time.

Just my experience.

Good luck to you!!
PaperDolls is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 02:23 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
There are three unwritten rules in families living with active alcoholism.

Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. I sure cried that night because my boys learned those lessons well. To well. They learned them because they lived it and because it was modeled. There was no trust in our house. There was very little talking because we were busy ignoring the elephant and trying to survive. Rage was consuming us from the inside out so we didn't feel anything because to open the feelings door even a crack - opened the gaits to hell as far as I was concerned. Resentment and anger would swallow me up and if that didn't happen something very bad might happen to me if I let out the secrets of my true feelings.
Wow. That sure hit home.

My kids didn't say anything either. To them, their father passing out drunk was normal. They had nothing to compare to. They reacted differently to our separation and divorce. Two of them basically went off the rails completely, the third one became more well-behaved and well-adjusted. One of the two who started expressing their feelings in not-very-constructive ways has found a point of balance and harmony now, almost 2 years later. The second one is still in the process of determining where the walls are. The third one, the well-behaved one, is now blowing off steam like nobody's business.

It's hard, but it's wonderful to see them become the persons they were not able to be in an alcoholic family. They go to counseling to learn how to properly express their feelings; I go to counseling to learn how to not run away to Nepal and hide.
lillamy is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 03:07 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Wow. That sure hit home.

My kids didn't say anything either. To them, their father passing out drunk was normal. They had nothing to compare to. They reacted differently to our separation and divorce. Two of them basically went off the rails completely, the third one became more well-behaved and well-adjusted. One of the two who started expressing their feelings in not-very-constructive ways has found a point of balance and harmony now, almost 2 years later. The second one is still in the process of determining where the walls are. The third one, the well-behaved one, is now blowing off steam like nobody's business.

It's hard, but it's wonderful to see them become the persons they were not able to be in an alcoholic family. They go to counseling to learn how to properly express their feelings; I go to counseling to learn how to not run away to Nepal and hide.
Oh yes. I understand.

The counselor also reinforced that my job was not to fix them and their emotions. As a parent it is to absorb them. It makes me a safe place. It makes me stable and secure and available. THAT is an amazingly difficult concept for me. It means that a) I don't fix it and b) I have to stay put. I can't run away and hide figuratively or literally. and c) I can't take it personally because then I reflect their emotions instead of absorb them. It is hard for me especially with one of my kids because he pushes my buttons.

I've really gotten a lot better with this. I picture him with a backpack and he fills it up all day with all the bad feelings and confusion and it gets heavy. When he see's me he is handing me the backpack and I want to take it from him and help him unpack it and get rid of that stuff. If I can picture that it helps me to not let the button pushing get the better of me because when it does I start flinging that stuff out of the backpack and no way is he going to duck and run. Not this kid, he throws it right back and we are off.

The other kid sneaks his backpack of feelings upstairs and stuffs it under his bed. I worry about him too.
Thumper is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:03 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
my job was not to fix them and their emotions. As a parent it is to absorb them. It makes me a safe place. It makes me stable and secure and available.
That's really good. And echoes what my counselor has said: That my job is not to fix them OR fix what's wrong at their dad's house. My job is to provide a safe, healthy environment for them in my home, and set realistic boundaries for them.

A friend of mine gave me this metaphor from her child's counselor: When they come home and just rant and throw tantrums (which they never do at AXH's house because they're afraid of him), think of it as if they were infants who were throwing up on you. That's all it is. They're puking all over you and all you have to do is wash off, put on a clean shirt, and get on with life. Not pity yourself because you got thrown up on, not get upset at them for throwing up. I swear, detaching from an alcoholic husband was a breeze compared to detaching from the children's emotional reactions... but it's the same process...
lillamy is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 04:34 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I swear, detaching from an alcoholic husband was a breeze compared to detaching from the children's emotional reactions... but it's the same process...
Wow. This is so dead on for how I am feeling lately. I have been close to losing my mind (I feel like) dealing with anger and outright defiance and nasty ness from D6 toward me and D3 and D3 has her own issues as well. I feel like I don't get any respite from their behavior and have been viewing it as poor me and poor them. Instead, I need to look at it as you describe.

Detaching from their father was so much easier than separating myself from their emotions....
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 01-23-2012, 09:22 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Calling it functioning doesn't make it better. All it really is is putting a pig in a dress. Functioning alcoholic, chronic alcoholic, mild alcoholic-- what do they have in common?

They are all alcoholics.

Cyranoak
Cyranoak is offline  
Old 01-24-2012, 12:11 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 15
More questions.....Yesterday was a bad day. I mostly spend it being mad at the situation I am in. I feel a little clearer today.... Thanks everyone!

I'm just wondering if I'll know when its over? When is the right time to leave? When do I give up? I am married and I don't want to look back and think I walked away too soon? But I also don't want to regret not leaving 5 years from now. I know no one can tell me what to do.....I'm just looking for a little guidance in what the signs might be.

Just to sum up things.....we've been sleeping separately for two weeks since his last drinking episode when he came home drunk after I asked several times that he not come home if he intended to drink. He said he just "didn't want to be away from his family". His needs came first and he climbed in the bed smelling like he rolled around in the damn bonfire! I have since informed him that aside from living in the same house for the time being I have nothing left for him. We barely speak. But he hasn't asked if he can do anything to repair our relationship. I'm pretty sure he's just riding it out.

Also, I posted a new thread regarding this. I'm new and wasn't sure if people come back and check these or not. Hopefully thats okay?!? :o)
paigemc is offline  
Old 01-24-2012, 01:24 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Its_me_jen
 
PaperDolls's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by paigemc View Post
I'm just wondering if I'll know when its over? When is the right time to leave? When do I give up?
Once the pain is great enough ..... then it's time.

And, I wouldn't call it "giving up". I'd call it putting the needs of your child and yourself first.

Good luck to you!!
PaperDolls is offline  
Old 01-24-2012, 04:07 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by paigemc View Post

I'm just wondering if I'll know when its over? When is the right time to leave? When do I give up? I am married and I don't want to look back and think I walked away too soon? But I also don't want to regret not leaving 5 years from now. I know no one can tell me what to do.....I'm just looking for a little guidance in what the signs might be.
Someone, early on when I came on here told me that when you start asking when do you know it's time to leave that you already know it's time to leave and are looking for someone to tell you what you already know.

But philosophic statements aside, signs it's time to leave: A lot of what you say in this post alone says to me that it's time...

"his needs come first" (and he doesn't respect your wishes)
"he hasn't asked if he can do anything to repair our relationship" (you're here, like the rest of us, sad that your r/s isn't working-- is he concerned about that? nope)

also you talk about not wanting to wish in 5 yrs that you had left. i think in your gut you know that's what is best but are holding out hope that something might change. i've been there. you don't have to decide anything this instant. just keep posting and i know for me, realizing how my kids were being impacted (the silent strain even when there was no fighting was palpable and unbearable and the difference in my kids since AH left is night and day) was what pushed me to do what i had to.

Just to sum up things.....we've been sleeping separately for two weeks since his last drinking episode when he came home drunk after I asked several times that he not come home if he intended to drink. He said he just "didn't want to be away from his family". His needs came first and he climbed in the bed smelling like he rolled around in the damn bonfire! I have since informed him that aside from living in the same house for the time being I have nothing left for him. We barely speak. But he hasn't asked if he can do anything to repair our relationship. I'm pretty sure he's just riding it out.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 01-25-2012, 08:37 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 91
Get ye to an Alanon meeting

Go online and find a meeting in your area. My situation was very similar to yours except my kids are now older (teenagers) but I spent many years trying to keeping things normal for them while the stress that I was feeling was over the top. In the last couple of years his drinking had gotten so bad that there were no longer excuses. They knew at work. It is only by the grace of God he didn't get picked up for a DUI and lose his CDL license. Drinking so bad I called and ambulance twice this past summer. He was in an outpatient program for a couple of months but fell off the wagon. Within days of this he he drank so much I called the ambulance and his BAC was so high he should have been dead. I convinced the dr. at the hospital to keep him on the mental floor for a few days to detox while I got him in an inpatient program. He finished 30 days there, went back to work, does outpatient a few days a week and AA inbetween. My younger teenager sees a therapist (yes, her dads drinking was the catalyst) and we have family sessions every so often. While this was going on we almost lost our home and had to file for Chapter 13 to help us repay our debts) due to the decrease of income.

I hung in there. But I also learned my the best lessons at Alanon...get out of their way and you can't do it alone. I got him into a program and then I left it up to him. It has been 4 months since he left the program and he knows that if he falls off I am gone, his life is gone. I was also trying to do it on my own and the stress was killing me. The best thing I did was get my family and his family involved. His sisters and brother especially as they saw their father die from alcoholism.

You need to do what is best for you and your children.
winnie1202 is offline  
Old 01-25-2012, 09:23 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Twentynine Palms Ca
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post

You can set boundaries, tell him to go somewhere else for his every other month binges (a hotel, his parents, a tent)
Bill
Bil,
You always have such great advise! I just had to quote the whole going to another place....A TENT! I just about peed my pants laughing! Its so hilarious but in such a sick way because it is soooo true! Who cares where they go to drink, like my husband included, as long as its not around me or my kids. The mental picture of my husband staying in a tent to go and drink is seriously funny. I bet tons of them would totally do it too! The thinking of an active alcoholic is beyond irrational!
JillGorges87 is offline  
Old 01-25-2012, 09:46 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Skipper
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi Paige,

Welcome! You're in a place of people who really understand. I hope you're finding some good resources along the way.

I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. Speaking from the children's point of view: yes, they know, and they are developing their own unhealthy protection mechanisms, as Thumper so aptly described. It takes a lifetime of un-doing it. I will tell you that the hardest part of my recovery has been in forgiving my mother, the sober parent, for not taking care of us sooner. We have a good relationship now, but it has taken 20 years to get it there.
skippernlilg is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:28 AM.