Thanks guys! I truly appreciate your quick responses. I made an appt with my counselor but its not till next week. Ugh!
I want to leave because I've seen the progression of the disease over the years and I stay because I chose this man as my husband and its hard for me to wrap my head around leaving because I don't like something he does. And both are going to effect my children. I feel like I have to choose the lesser of two evils.
I have started what I guess you would call a slow departure. After his last drinking weekend I decided I was done, at least emotionally speaking. We sleep in separate rooms and don't spend time together. My oldest son who is 7 hasn't said anything and doesn't seem unhappy which leads me to believe its not effecting him. He is usually very verbal about what bothers him.
Its my attempt at protecting myself emotionally in preparation for his next drinking episode. But that being said, I guess if I'm here "venting".....its not really working. My main concern was that the kids would notice my unhappiness but instead I seem to be a better parent. Over compensating maybe? I find that I have more patience with them because I have finally let go of my emotional turmoil with him.
Another thing I wrestle with is this........Part of why I stay, or allow him to stay is that I have better control over what happens with my kids. I can see if he's been drinking or mistreating them and protect them. If we separate he will still get to see them only I might not be around to protect them. How do I separate and still protect my kids????