Originally Posted by laurie6781

If it was me, I would not be around father except to tell him my 'payment plan' to repay him. Both of them are extremely TOXIC and you DO NOT NEED TO HAVE THAT TOXICITY FLOWING OVER AND AROUND YOU.

From everything you have 'posted' about the father, he is exhibiting rather 'extreme' codependency. The doctor appts are None of Your Business, not the father's either but he has the 'excuse' he is paying for them. The Hospital visits are None of yours or the fathers business.

You have a choice to step away AND NOT GO. Allow your BF some dignity at least with you, he is 32 after all. Just because 'daddy' is treating him like a 10yr old, does not mean that you have to agree and do the same.

I dont think Im affecting his dignity; because HE asked me to go. He asked me two weeks ago, he asked me 2 days ago....Im not inserting myself where Im not wanted. Im not going along so that I can talk to the Dr. instead of him, or make decisions for him, Im just going because he asked me to go; just to be there and I guess to offer moral support and hold his hand. And I know a lot of you think this is wrong; that he is an adult and he doesnt need anyone to do this; and your right he doesnt need anyone to do it; but if he wants it, if it makes it easier for him then its not an issue for me. If I had a really big inconvenience in doing it regarding work or school, etc. then I would just tell him and he would be fine with it. You can call this being a cody if you want, but Im treating him as "normal". This is something I would do regardless of his addiction issues, this is something that I would and have done for other people in my life. To me this sort of stuff isnt a sacrifice or a burdon.

***It is NOT your job.

It is not your job to be the 'mediator' between 'daddy' and ABF.

It is NOT your job to be the 'diffuser' between between 'daddy' and ABF.

It is NOT your job to play 'warden' and make sure he makes his appointments (this is what it feels like to him right now).

It is not your job to be 'warden' and/or probation officer, even though 'daddy' has adopted that role.


Im not trying to mediate / diffuse between him and his dad; I wouldnt even attempt it - they got their own thing going on and I dont even understand it. And really I dont have to.

My question today was strictly because I respect his dad; and I as an outsider that he doesnt know well, etc. I didnt want to say anything that might upset him personally. Overstep my bounds etc. That is why I originally made the post; I was just looking for some insight.

Im also not trying to be BF warden aor police his appointments. He goes to the dr like 5x a week. for treatment and blood draws. He goes all by his big boy self. I did go with him to the 1st psych appointment, because he asked me to just go along and wait for him. Again, people had a problem with it, but I didnt . I didnt insert myself - he asked me to go.

I think part of this has to do with aspects of the 12 steps and that I shouldnt be the one going, hsi spponsor or another recovering addict shoudl be teh one -- but as someone nicely said " this view is not my cup of tea; nor his"


If in fact your ABF is going to embrace recovery for HIMSELF, not to please DADDY or to please YOU, then it really is time to STEP AWAY.

Allow him the DIGNITY to EMBRACE RECOVERY for HIMSELF.***

J M H O


I agree - its his. He is doing the work himself. He is in treatment; and Ive really no part of it. But we have a relationship, and neither of us thinks it has tobe abandoned in order for him to be successful

NOTE: ***Plan of Action.



Love and hugs,

ps: I have seen the above 'plan of action' work, maybe not the way the codie fantasized it would but it does work:

The 'A loved one' does embrace recovery and immerse themselves in it, absenting themselves from the loved one.

Or the A loved one does not embrace recovery, and the 'loved one' having aready stepped back is still hurt but NOT nearly as bad.

Or the A does embrace recovery, and after a year or so, 'comes out' of his 'all or nothing mode' and starts communicating and slowly dating the 'loved one' and they are on a whole NEW level of the relationship, almost like 'starting over.'

Your choice.