Need advice in dealing with RABF's father.....

Old 01-19-2012, 08:56 AM
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Need advice in dealing with RABF's father.....

Yesterday the RABF dad came into town because BF is going to have more test done today at hospital regarding his heart.

Last night, his dad was at BF new place; I was there too. His dad went all crazy because he found a section of the Wall Sreet Journal laying around. I've no idea why this was in the WSJ but the cover was titled "cocaine. " and had a full page pic of the drug. *What the article was really about was countries that produce the stuff, etc. Nothing about using it.*

But his dad flipped out and started yelling at him; like he wasn't taking all this seriously and BF didn't help cause he tried to make a joke about how we' were thinking about moving to Peru....*

And now in like an hour I we are supposed to leave for hospital and I'm going to be spending most day alone with his dad *just waiting.

His dad has been nice to me so far, he is rather intimidating, but we have talked alone a few times and it was fine. But after his angry outburst last night I don't want to say anything to upset him.

So I want to ask especially parents; what the heck should I NOT say to him; Ive heard some of you deal both positively and negatively with girlfriend / boyfriends /'spouses of your children so I was hoping for some pointers.
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:47 AM
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((kelley))

It probably doesn't matter what you say or do ~ that parent is dealing with 1,000 forms of fear - over his son's addiction, health issues and who knows what else ~

The only suggestion I could give you would be if another outburst occurs - would be to possibly try in a calm voice to say something like. . .

"Sir, I understand you are upset and fearful of what may happen, but that is out of my control. I can't do anything about that. All we can do is hope for the best."

and if the outburst continues I might would also try. .
"Sir, it seems you need some space to process your anger right now ~ I believe the healthiest thing for everyone would be for me to give you some free time. I'm going to step away so you can have some alone time."

or if all else fails - you can simply say nothing at all. Just because he speaks, rants or raves doesn't mean you have to respond.

Prayers for good news on your BF's medical condition

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 01-19-2012, 10:31 AM
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Thank you PINK - you are probably right - I'm maybe just overthinking it.
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Old 01-19-2012, 12:13 PM
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As the parent of an adult AS, I can only speak to what would be upsetting to me. And I could only think of two things.....and that is if the girlfriend was an active addict or fiercely codependent. Either of those two situations would be detrimental to his son's recovery from addiction.

If your bf's situation is anything at all like ours, his father may just be sick and tired of the behaviors that are associated with active addiction. Tolerance to just about anything related to drugs is low at best. His sense of humor may be tapped. His finances may be tapped. His nerves may be tapped. And his fear and anxiety may be soaring through the roof.

Your bf's relationship with his father is probably extremely strained. Drug addiction does that to families. And sometimes the best reaction to someone is no reaction at all.

Wishing the best for your boyfriend's recovery. You'll all be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-19-2012, 12:54 PM
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If it was me, I would not be around father except to tell him my 'payment plan' to repay him. Both of them are extremely TOXIC and you DO NOT NEED TO HAVE THAT TOXICITY FLOWING OVER AND AROUND YOU.

From everything you have 'posted' about the father, he is exhibiting rather 'extreme' codependency. The doctor appts are None of Your Business, not the father's either but he has the 'excuse' he is paying for them. The Hospital visits are None of yours or the fathers business.

You have a choice to step away AND NOT GO. Allow your BF some dignity at least with you, he is 32 after all. Just because 'daddy' is treating him like a 10yr old, does not mean that you have to agree and do the same.

***It is NOT your job.

It is not your job to be the 'mediator' between 'daddy' and ABF.

It is NOT your job to be the 'diffuser' between between 'daddy' and ABF.

It is NOT your job to play 'warden' and make sure he makes his appointments (this is what it feels like to him right now).

It is not your job to be 'warden' and/or probation officer, even though 'daddy' has adopted that role.

If in fact your ABF is going to embrace recovery for HIMSELF, not to please DADDY or to please YOU, then it really is time to STEP AWAY.

Allow him the DIGNITY to EMBRACE RECOVERY for HIMSELF.***

J M H O


NOTE: ***Plan of Action.



Love and hugs,

ps: I have seen the above 'plan of action' work, maybe not the way the codie fantasized it would but it does work:

The 'A loved one' does embrace recovery and immerse themselves in it, absenting themselves from the loved one.

Or the A loved one does not embrace recovery, and the 'loved one' having aready stepped back is still hurt but NOT nearly as bad.

Or the A does embrace recovery, and after a year or so, 'comes out' of his 'all or nothing mode' and starts communicating and slowly dating the 'loved one' and they are on a whole NEW level of the relationship, almost like 'starting over.'

Your choice.
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Old 01-19-2012, 01:22 PM
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Thank you all for your messages.
I am actually waiting with his dad right now.

I think I have already upset the poor man, but I didnt mean to.

We were just talking, sort of related to that newspaper, because he thinks just the image, word, etc. is bad for him to be around - as it would bring back memories.

And I asked him if he thought it was a good idea that BF was getting his blood drawn 2x a week with a needle .....

And that was not a good thing to say; he didt get angry; but he had never thought about that; and it sorta was a shocking and disturbing realization to him.

And were are still going to be here for a while, so Im trying just to keep quiet now. I feel really awful .
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Old 01-19-2012, 02:59 PM
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When you first shared that his father had paid your rent up for X months I thought how I could have easily done something similar back when, had my daughter had anyone sober in her life at the time. I would have acknowledged and manipulated anyone who I thought might help my daughter just snap outof it. Back then, I was convinced if I just kept throwing my time, energy, money and love into it I could beat her addiction. I was a lot like the BF's dad, I think. And I was mistaken.

Now about the WSJ. Something like this could be a trigger based on posts I have read on this forum from people in recovery. One post sticks with me and came from someone who loves a baseball who found the c-r-a-c-k of a bat took her places.... Just a darn shame that the world cannot stop and remove all temptations.

Sounds like dad is scared he will lose his son and probably quite capable of anything that will sustain his fantasy that he is the master of the universe and can control other people.

Anyhoo, here you are in a waiting room feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to not set this man into orbit. Sounds like a War of the Codependents or something.
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Old 01-19-2012, 03:15 PM
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Kelley, please go back and re-read Laurie6781's post. I couldn't have said it any better.

I was a hard-core needle user in my last years before rehab. I had plenty of labs done while in rehab, and I've had plenty since, including having blood drawn.

Yes, it was unsettling for me early on, but it did not make me want to go back out and use. I wanted recovery more than anything else.

Anytime I felt "triggered" or had the urge, I had plenty of people to call in recovery, including my sponsor, and I got past it.

These days I just feel ill when I have blood drawn. I've almost fainted a couple of times!

The world is full of temptations. It's up to him to figure out how he's going to deal with those.

Neither you or his father are going to be able to keep him in a cocoon.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 01-19-2012, 06:48 PM
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Last edited by KelleyF; 01-19-2012 at 06:59 PM. Reason: incomplete
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Kelley, please go back and re-read Laurie6781's post. I couldn't have said it any better.

I was a hard-core needle user in my last years before rehab. I had plenty of labs done while in rehab, and I've had plenty since, including having blood drawn.

Yes, it was unsettling for me early on, but it did not make me want to go back out and use. I wanted recovery more than anything else.

Anytime I felt "triggered" or had the urge, I had plenty of people to call in recovery, including my sponsor, and I got past it.

These days I just feel ill when I have blood drawn. I've almost fainted a couple of times!

The world is full of temptations. It's up to him to figure out how he's going to deal with those.

Neither you or his father are going to be able to keep him in a cocoon.

Sending you hugs of support.
We've sorta drifted off topic, but oh well....

Actually I agree with you Freedom about the temptations. Maybe if I told the whole story then I wouldnt sound like such a cody codi....

I had actually seen the newspaper days ago, and my first reaction was " isnt that a coincidence" and my second thought was " this probably isnt really something he should be looking at" It did have Cocaine in big print on the cover of the section, with a map of the continents made out of white powder and then a razor blade, and lines done in white powder.

My first thought was to toss it; but then I decided that would be sensorship and I realized I cant do that because what does that lead to:
trying to sensor movies, and music, and what happens if I spill flour on the kitchen counter. So I just left it there. And I didnt worry about it

When his dad had the fit; I wasnt involved in it at all; I was just there.
BF really didnt argue with him; he just tried to diffuse his anger with a couple of jokes (that didnt help), and when he was doen ranting. BF just said ' are you done now'

So today his dad apologized to me about it; and explained why it worried him, and I agreed, but said there are a lot of things that might trigger him and then I gave him examples. One of those examples was the blood draw...and he hadnty thought of that and it did upset him I could tell, because he was the one who insisted that BF have it done.

And then we discussed rationally how the triggers cant be controlled and that he just has to learn how to deal with them. And that is what he is doing with his treatment.

So all in all, it wasnt two codys sitting there whining and worrying.
I mean Im not going to say I dont worry at all; I do, but I think it is at a healthy level now, where I realize its just general concern and not at a microscopic level.

I actually had my laptop today and did work for the office, so I didnt even have to take the day off today; I got paid for waiting . Cool....

Im really glad to hear that the Blood Draws didnt bother you; I did think about that based on some comments here on the forum, but I never asked him about it or anything; just figured he was going to have to deal with it, or talk to the dr about it.
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
If it was me, I would not be around father except to tell him my 'payment plan' to repay him. Both of them are extremely TOXIC and you DO NOT NEED TO HAVE THAT TOXICITY FLOWING OVER AND AROUND YOU.

From everything you have 'posted' about the father, he is exhibiting rather 'extreme' codependency. The doctor appts are None of Your Business, not the father's either but he has the 'excuse' he is paying for them. The Hospital visits are None of yours or the fathers business.

You have a choice to step away AND NOT GO. Allow your BF some dignity at least with you, he is 32 after all. Just because 'daddy' is treating him like a 10yr old, does not mean that you have to agree and do the same.

I dont think Im affecting his dignity; because HE asked me to go. He asked me two weeks ago, he asked me 2 days ago....Im not inserting myself where Im not wanted. Im not going along so that I can talk to the Dr. instead of him, or make decisions for him, Im just going because he asked me to go; just to be there and I guess to offer moral support and hold his hand. And I know a lot of you think this is wrong; that he is an adult and he doesnt need anyone to do this; and your right he doesnt need anyone to do it; but if he wants it, if it makes it easier for him then its not an issue for me. If I had a really big inconvenience in doing it regarding work or school, etc. then I would just tell him and he would be fine with it. You can call this being a cody if you want, but Im treating him as "normal". This is something I would do regardless of his addiction issues, this is something that I would and have done for other people in my life. To me this sort of stuff isnt a sacrifice or a burdon.

***It is NOT your job.

It is not your job to be the 'mediator' between 'daddy' and ABF.

It is NOT your job to be the 'diffuser' between between 'daddy' and ABF.

It is NOT your job to play 'warden' and make sure he makes his appointments (this is what it feels like to him right now).

It is not your job to be 'warden' and/or probation officer, even though 'daddy' has adopted that role.


Im not trying to mediate / diffuse between him and his dad; I wouldnt even attempt it - they got their own thing going on and I dont even understand it. And really I dont have to.

My question today was strictly because I respect his dad; and I as an outsider that he doesnt know well, etc. I didnt want to say anything that might upset him personally. Overstep my bounds etc. That is why I originally made the post; I was just looking for some insight.

Im also not trying to be BF warden aor police his appointments. He goes to the dr like 5x a week. for treatment and blood draws. He goes all by his big boy self. I did go with him to the 1st psych appointment, because he asked me to just go along and wait for him. Again, people had a problem with it, but I didnt . I didnt insert myself - he asked me to go.

I think part of this has to do with aspects of the 12 steps and that I shouldnt be the one going, hsi spponsor or another recovering addict shoudl be teh one -- but as someone nicely said " this view is not my cup of tea; nor his"



If in fact your ABF is going to embrace recovery for HIMSELF, not to please DADDY or to please YOU, then it really is time to STEP AWAY.

Allow him the DIGNITY to EMBRACE RECOVERY for HIMSELF.***

J M H O


I agree - its his. He is doing the work himself. He is in treatment; and Ive really no part of it. But we have a relationship, and neither of us thinks it has tobe abandoned in order for him to be successful

NOTE: ***Plan of Action.



Love and hugs,

ps: I have seen the above 'plan of action' work, maybe not the way the codie fantasized it would but it does work:

The 'A loved one' does embrace recovery and immerse themselves in it, absenting themselves from the loved one.

Or the A loved one does not embrace recovery, and the 'loved one' having aready stepped back is still hurt but NOT nearly as bad.

Or the A does embrace recovery, and after a year or so, 'comes out' of his 'all or nothing mode' and starts communicating and slowly dating the 'loved one' and they are on a whole NEW level of the relationship, almost like 'starting over.'

Your choice.
Thanks for sticking with me Laurie
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:56 PM
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one last post; for those of you that were kind enough to show concern for the BF medical condition.

He has actually been admitted to the hospital; at least overnight due to some complications with one of the procedures today.

When he was in the hospital over 3 weeks ago now....they found out he had an infection in his heart . They treated him with iv antibiotics, and then sent him home with oral meds. Today along with other test, they did a biopsy of tissue from one of the heart valves, and during this procedure they had a problem. They think this will be ok, but are keeping him for observation.

So todays hospital visit wasnt for an xray, etc. It was serious. In fact, he had to have someone accompany him because they required it. He had to go under general anesthesia, etc. He couldnt drive, and he really was too out of it to even talk to the dr. -

I had to go to class tonight; his dad didnt want to leave until he was actually in a room, etc. so I told him Id come back t oget him when I get out of here.
Soon now....

So thanks to those that offered a kind thought or prayer. Maybe it has helped

Hugs,
Kel
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