Welcome Gertrude....It sounds like your still struggling with the 'Am I an alcoholic' idea. I read your post and didn't see you qualify as an alcoholic. Strongly suggest you attend some open AA meetings and just listen to what is being said. AA just might be what you need. To us you sound like an alcoholic but you have to make that decision. You have to know in your heart of hearts that you can never take just one drink again....ever. Your family situation will take care of itself the way it is supposed to happen. But it is for sure that you will not get them back if you continue drinking. Whatever you do, think through that first drink and remember where it will take you. Tell us what is happening with you and go to a meeting. Go to several.