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Please help me

Old 09-23-2002, 02:28 AM
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Unhappy Please help me

Hi I'm new here a 43 yr old man with the need for some advice. My story is a long one,I've been together with my girlfriend for 10 yrs we have a 7 yr old daughter.I'ev been drinking since age 16 ,it never bothered my work or relationship.Until 4 yrs ago 1/13/99 when I suffered from a brain aneurysm that had burst. I recovered quite well my problems are few vision,balance,memory and deep deppression. About 6 mos after I started drinking again. My drinking became heavy and deceided to go into a rehab. Came out of rehab did well for about 10 mos. then my depression got worse one day a friend was over and I had a beer I said to myself 1 or 2 won't hurt I'm better now. {BAD DECISION}. My drinking returned to where it was last year.I continued for another 7 mos. Kept seeing DR. for depression and still medicated. My girlfriend and many other friends told me I was drinking too much.I still think I was way out there because nothing seemed to matter to me. My deppression got still worse and I was using beer to lift my mood not realizing it was doing the oppisite.I'm thinking back it was like I was not living my life "I was just existing" I was self medicating everyday. Then on 7/24/02 I got real drunk,I received terrible news{or at least in my condition}I believe I had a breakdown,I tried to commit suicide. before I did I called girlfriend to tell her not to let daughter come in house! Then I tried it my gun jammed {THANK GOD} I got angry and kicked over coffee table she was still on phone she thought gun went off. She called state troppers and they came and brought me to the hostpital{mental ward}.This was the last time that I.ve been home.I spent two days there and was released,Then I signed myself into a rehab for alcohol treatment.I spent 18 days there.In which time I deceided that I could never have another drop of alcohol, Mainly due to my meds. And the way that I had become I was hurting my family too much nothing physical!! After rehab I signed myself into an 6 Month intensive day treatment center m-f 8:00-2:00 This place treats dual diagnosis they deal with depression at the same time.Meanwhile my S/O tells me that we would never be a couple again ever. This has upset me horribily,I want nothing more than to at least atempt to repair our broken relationship.I love her very much and want to correct the pain I've caused her. I'm also very concerned about my daughter growing up without a father in her daily life. The only problem we ever had together was my drinking. Now that I've quit I feel we have a great chance of making it work.I know that there will be trust issues to deal with.And more problems will come up that we will have to deal with.Its only been two months that I've been sober WOW do I have feelings that I haven't felt for years but I'm commited to not ever drinking again. Now I am living away from home still. I need to be close to day treatment I don'tdrive due to vision problem. I just want to start working on relationship before things get worse.I love mmy family and want to be part of it again. I'm thinking if there is still a chance to make it work we should take it!
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Old 09-23-2002, 03:19 AM
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Welcome Gertrude,
Your an alcoholic. One drink is too many and a 1000 is never enough. Congratulations on your two months. We have a fatal disease but we can recover. Like I was told you'll find support here and in the rooms of AA. You don't have to do it alone. Just keep on doing what your doing. Take that gun jamming as a sign. I have found so much support here in these posts and the people here and you will too. Just don't pick up that first drink, and go to meetings/get a sponsor. Your on the right track and I will pray that you can make things better for yourself and daughter. I am sure the wise people here will offer better advice than I can. Good luck and keep it simple.
H

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Old 09-23-2002, 07:53 AM
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Hi Gertrude. I'm sorry to hear about your brain injury (abi?). Congrats on your sobriety. As you well know, brain injuries + alcohol is a definite "no no". I feel for the loss of your family, but just keep in mind that YOU need to be around a loving environment for YOU to get better. Maybe the time for reuniting with your family is not right now, but you never know what may happen in the future. I belong to the Brain Injury Association - its a national organization & they have groups all over the country filled with loving, caring & VERY educated people. I was a caregiver to a tbi survivor - hence my relationship with above group - which is also why I am suggesting to you the importance of being around somebody that can support you with unconditional love and acceptance right now. I know going thru a divorce, custody battles, etc....feels like someone just threw up a perfectly good jig-saw puzzle up in the air (especially with the added problems of your injury, but believe me, the pieces are all going to land - they aren't going to land where they started out, but its up to YOU pick up the scattered mess and start over. Good luck and if you need info on how to contact the BIA, feel free to email me.

Houston
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Old 09-23-2002, 08:08 AM
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Gertrude =-

Not much more I can say that has not already been said.

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. Keep hanging around and reading, you can learn alot about your addiciton on this site.

Hit a meeting, I promise there will be a chair for you there. Listen to others that came into the rooms before you - you will hear hope in their voices.

God Bless and keep coming back.
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Old 09-23-2002, 10:24 AM
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Welcome Gertrude....It sounds like your still struggling with the 'Am I an alcoholic' idea. I read your post and didn't see you qualify as an alcoholic. Strongly suggest you attend some open AA meetings and just listen to what is being said. AA just might be what you need. To us you sound like an alcoholic but you have to make that decision. You have to know in your heart of hearts that you can never take just one drink again....ever. Your family situation will take care of itself the way it is supposed to happen. But it is for sure that you will not get them back if you continue drinking. Whatever you do, think through that first drink and remember where it will take you. Tell us what is happening with you and go to a meeting. Go to several.
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Old 09-23-2002, 10:43 AM
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I AM MOST CERTAINLY AN ALCOHOLIC
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Old 09-23-2002, 10:54 AM
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Well Gertrude..I'm not accusing you of anything. It is good to know the truth about ourselves. Are you attending f2f meetings? Because that is where the real help can be found.

Your friend Ninerfan
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Old 09-23-2002, 12:24 PM
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What is f2f?
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Old 09-23-2002, 12:27 PM
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I think it means face to face.
H

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Old 09-23-2002, 12:42 PM
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yes i am everyone i can get to
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Old 09-23-2002, 02:26 PM
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Yes - it does mean Face to Face.

Gertrude - you are doing just great. Keep hitting as many meetings as you can. Get a sponsor and work the steps. As they (we) say, don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle happens, and yes it does happen.

We are all here to support you.
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Old 09-23-2002, 10:54 PM
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Hello Gertrude...Hope your doing well. Yes as was said f2f does mean face to face; real live touchy feely meetings. Find one that you more or less feel comfortable in, maybe the people are friendly or its in a nice area or whatever. The idea is to get comfortable and listen, share a little, but listen alot. If your invited for coffee after the meeting, and I hope you are, then GO. No big deals, just some recovered drunks having a cup of coffee and telling tales. Maybe the meetings in your area don't go for coffee, maybe they chat outside the meeting hall after the meeting. Linger awhile, stay awhile and hopefully someone will come up and talk to you. If not and you still like that meeting then keep going back to it. Let the people get to know you and you get to know them. I've got a ton more to say but thats enough for now. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Keep posting and keep the faith.

Your friend...Ninerfan
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Old 09-23-2002, 11:53 PM
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Another Welcome Gertrude

Gertrude, the most important thing in your life right now is your sobriety. If you want it, then you must be willing to go to any lengths to get it. But you CAN live a very happy, loving, fulfilling life without the use of or need for alcohol. Life without alcohol is not dull!

We're alcoholics when we discover that we can't live without alcohol and we can't live with it. We wake up to the fact that every time something goes bad, it's alcohol related.

Like everyone else has suggested, please go to lots of meetings. Do lots of listening... and please listen for the similarities rather than the differences.

I hope you'll get a sponsor quickly. Even a temporary one will be a big help.

I joined AA 25 years ago and in the early months of my sobriety I thought I had it all together and was instantly cured. As time went on I realized that I was still getting rid of the cobwebs in my head and that recovery is one day at a time and my progress is based on how much effort I put into practicing the AA principles.

If you stay away from the first drink and work the 12 steps of AA, you will experience the Promises. But if you take that first drink, you won't know step 1 from step 14.

Please keep coming back here to share... you help me, too.
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Old 09-24-2002, 03:35 PM
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THANKS

To all who took time to reply
I give great THANKS
DAN
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