gertrude

Hi I'm new here a 43 yr old man with the need for some advice. My story is a long one,I've been together with my girlfriend for 10 yrs we have a 7 yr old daughter.I'ev been drinking since age 16 ,it never bothered my work or relationship.Until 4 yrs ago 1/13/99 when I suffered from a brain aneurysm that had burst. I recovered quite well my problems are few vision,balance,memory and deep deppression. About 6 mos after I started drinking again. My drinking became heavy and deceided to go into a rehab. Came out of rehab did well for about 10 mos. then my depression got worse one day a friend was over and I had a beer I said to myself 1 or 2 won't hurt I'm better now. {BAD DECISION}. My drinking returned to where it was last year.I continued for another 7 mos. Kept seeing DR. for depression and still medicated. My girlfriend and many other friends told me I was drinking too much.I still think I was way out there because nothing seemed to matter to me. My deppression got still worse and I was using beer to lift my mood not realizing it was doing the oppisite.I'm thinking back it was like I was not living my life "I was just existing" I was self medicating everyday. Then on 7/24/02 I got real drunk,I received terrible news{or at least in my condition}I believe I had a breakdown,I tried to commit suicide. before I did I called girlfriend to tell her not to let daughter come in house! Then I tried it my gun jammed {THANK GOD} I got angry and kicked over coffee table she was still on phone she thought gun went off. She called state troppers and they came and brought me to the hostpital{mental ward}.This was the last time that I.ve been home.I spent two days there and was released,Then I signed myself into a rehab for alcohol treatment.I spent 18 days there.In which time I deceided that I could never have another drop of alcohol, Mainly due to my meds. And the way that I had become I was hurting my family too much nothing physical!! After rehab I signed myself into an 6 Month intensive day treatment center m-f 8:00-2:00 This place treats dual diagnosis they deal with depression at the same time.Meanwhile my S/O tells me that we would never be a couple again ever. This has upset me horribily,I want nothing more than to at least atempt to repair our broken relationship.I love her very much and want to correct the pain I've caused her. I'm also very concerned about my daughter growing up without a father in her daily life. The only problem we ever had together was my drinking. Now that I've quit I feel we have a great chance of making it work.I know that there will be trust issues to deal with.And more problems will come up that we will have to deal with.Its only been two months that I've been sober WOW do I have feelings that I haven't felt for years but I'm commited to not ever drinking again. Now I am living away from home still. I need to be close to day treatment I don'tdrive due to vision problem. I just want to start working on relationship before things get worse.I love mmy family and want to be part of it again. I'm thinking if there is still a chance to make it work we should take it!