One thing I hear you saying is that you deserve to be beaten up by yourself thoroughly. Either because you messed up at work, or because AA didn't work well enough for you, or you didn't work for AA, or you let down your sponsor, or...
I believe that truly loving oneself is very hard for many alcoholics (many humans generally). A lot of our weird behavior comes out of this fact, where we feel we deserve to suffer, to fail, to be held in contempt, to be shamed, to be beaten. We are ashamed of ourselves and hide, and punish ourselves with whips of mental self-abuse.
Where does this come from? We aren't born like this. I don't know. BUT:
The important thing is to fall in love with yourself. Not society's definition of what you should be, but you as you are, in your very truth. How would you treat yourself if you were in complete admiration of the miracle that is you? You wouldn't drink poison, or seek to be comatose...
One thing we did in my rehab group was (in connection with one of the steps in our workbook), think about childhood and how our earliest emotions were received by the adult world. Many of us remembered a big angry NO, or hundreds of them, or violence, or shaming. The patterns are laid down early. Not to blame parents but given the number of messed-up people walking around we're doin' it wrong!
Just a few thoughts about the self-criticism I heard in your post - give yourself a break. You are a treasure, and your own best treasure. Treat yourself like the precious thing you really are, and don't let anyone (yourself first of all) talk to you that way.
Hope you are OK today.