crisco, I often dwell on fringe of what you have posted, that it's not working and the insanity of it all.
Here's my take;
There was a time when the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.
However, what makes sense to me as a alcoholic is,
The definition of insanity is to take a drink and know the result, and that is to do more insane and stupid things after that first drink. ( more of a personalized version for the real alcoholic)
So what's insane for this alcoholic after the first drop of alcohol?
1: I will crave more alcohol because the first drink will set off the phenomenon of craving.
2: The sudden change of personality, therefore I become instantly deluded and drink more for 1 reason that one drink was not enough and a thousand reasons that it's never enough.
3: The next day I will drink again because of what happened the previous day into blackout.
So, for me it's sane to think of the consequences before the drink, and to take a drink knowing the consequences or 1,2 & 3 is an insane action.
The insane thought also is to think I can drink normally.
Can someone please explain what is "normal drinking" just for the record ?Because no one has ever described what is, "normal drinking of alcohol".
I have drunk with hard drinkers who still have their family and jobs intact, a second car, boat, jet ski, grand children and a 4 wheel drive vehicle.
I have drank with these people in some distant past and have never been welcomed to drink with these types ever again, many times.
How do they do it?
Ok, so we are now at the point of , "in sobriety", having recovered, we still become restless, irritable and discontent, and all we know is that a drink will "fix it", yet if we take that drink we repeat the 1,2 and 3 cycle over again and remain alive to tell the story if lucky.
For me there are 2 AA's
1: The Big Book of AA ( instructions, or the path )
2: The fellowship of AA
( I cannot describe the fellowship of AA at this point in time, except to say what a lovely bunch of sober alcoholics they are and I'm one of them.)
So we have Step 1.
Step 1 is clear to me about my alcoholism, my physical "allergy" over alcohol and that I am powerless to stop the phenomenon of craving once I take that first drink. I am clear of that, and I know I can pass on that clarity to the suffering alcoholic who is ready to listen. ( I was not ready to listen for 35 years of trying to drink normally).
The one point I am clear about is in the BB of AA, in the Doctors Opinion that says:
We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all;
Key word here is "class".
What "class"?
The "class that has the phenomenon of craving?
Therefore I ask myself, "do I have that, the phenomenon of craving"?
Yes I do have that, in my inner most self I now know why I can never drink alcohol like "normal drinker, class"!!
This was not rocket science when I was taken through this first step in recovery. Sure enough it took me about 18 months to "get it".
I also needed to "test" the "jekyl and hyde" thing that is described on page 21
of the BB of AA, ( the instructions/recipe/whatever)
I tested it by taking a drink 3 weeks in AA, and sure enough, that "change" is what I thought being drunk and merry was all about. No, that's part of the disease of alcoholism. It cannot be x-rayed, ya cannot see it and only occurs once alcohol is taken. That is what one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic identify with. I do not know what it's like to NOT have the change in personality, same as the drinkers who don't have it, may never know what it's like to have it. We just have it!
But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink.
Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.note He is seldom mildly intoxicated. He is always more or less insanely drunk.
Ok, so I hope this explains the first half of Step 1, "Powerless over alcohol"
Do I admit that I don't have the power to stop the physical effects of alcohol in my body, do you admit these things and are these then accepted?
Once accepted, half the battle was over, I now became aware of my drinking, I now no longer have to prove I can drink, because of these facts posted above.
The obsession to drink got removed, aka Spiritual Awakening/Experience.
Again, this is not rocket science.
Ok, Life unmanageable, took me a while to sort that one out, but it was my thinking, whatever I try to do to live normal, became a nightmare even early in sobriety.
Why?
I did not know any other way to live.
That's where the fellowship of AA help me, and it's not just meetings and coffee. It's service, therefore it started to become a new way of living, I started to think sanely, ( each has their own individual circumstances)
Do I like everyone in the fellowship of AA?
No, but I love being there.
Ok, the thing about God in AA!
Chapter: We Agnostics.
In the beginning of that chapter it says;
In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the nonalcoholic. (Step 1)
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.
But it isn't so difficult. About half our original fellowship were of exactly that type
Step 2, once admitting we are powerless over alcohol, we need to find a power greater than ourselves, since alcohol drained us of any power by the time we surrendered, to alcohol, NOT surrendered to the willingness to live on.
How are we to find this "power"?
if,
If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism
The so called "university degrees".
The
where and the
how of it is in the book of AA,
The how is taking the 12 steps to get to that power, it's a "inside job"
That's what Steps 4 to 9 are about, some action, not just reading about.
One cannot bake a cake just by reading the recipe, ya have to do some work.
Once the BS is begining to clear up by taking the steps between 4-9, from my own experience I felt the peace and the power to not pick up the first drink, no matter what.
The God thing is what it is and I cannot explain it nor do i wish to ever attempt to even try, I just know it's there and use that source of power to keep me sober along with some other requirements, the disciplines.
Step 10 is self explanatory,
but Step 11 is one of my favorite steps.
It allows me to relate to that power, it helps with the alcoholic chatter in the head and that is what the very first early AA groups were doing back then, they practiced the Four Absolutes, or now as it is called, The Four Standards of AA
Who is practicing these things today while studying for a university degree on "how to stop drinking for the real alcoholic"?
Valium did not do much for me, all it did was block me from my source of inner strength.
Step 12, ( key words,"
the result" and "we try")
Well, I need to stay sober and there is someone out there that want to sort out their alcohol issues, may as well offer them what was offered to me.
Gets me out of that self pity routine than has has a one way street back to the bar and I don't want to go there, but I don't want to take a drink to stop the inevitable Restlessness, Irritability and Discontentment while sober.
Therefore AA the book is a if not, the Solution to my drinking problem provided I take a few simple steps under the guidance of a sponsor who has that type of recovery and is a living example of it.
All references from the BB of AA were taken from first edition.