I'm listening to an AA speaker. He's telling me what's really wrong with me.
"Driven by a hundred forms of fear...."
He says "driven" does not imply choice. There are multiple other things by which I'm driven and they all cause internal unmanageability in my life. Left unattended they will drive me out to drink at some point. I take inventory and try to give them a name, identify the problem. Then I talk to my conception of God about them and someone else. If I owe an amends or restitution for harms done as a result, I make them. Then I sense as if I'm safe, protected and in a "neutral zone" as it were. My insides and head are less noisy, less irritated.
But rest assured if that didn't work or comes to a point where it doesn't work - drinking will - while I hope that day doesn't come for me, I'm grateful for you sharing your experience and offering hope that one can continue to hold and recover. One way shape or form, you can recover and get out of the alcoholic sea before you drown. Grab ahold of anything and everything you can - remember it - experience it - and get back to sobriety and recovered. Then get to helping someone else.
I came to AA because I remembered my mom told me years before that a friend of the familiy had gotten sober in AA. I wrote it off at one point. But in the depths of my despair I remembered him and that it worked for him. You can be that guy for someone else, maybe me someday who knows - maybe I"ll drink one day and wake up to what I've done like you have and before I sink to far down I'll remember "crisco" that guy from SoberRecovery. He fell in the alcoholic sea, but got out, he didn't drown - maybe I can too.
Good luck.