DarkDays

Think I need to post this for every one if it helps and for myself. Not too sure if anyone remembers me posting a few posts a few months back, it always the same stop, start, going to stop forever, fail and rinse and repeat stuff.

Yesterday was like any other day come home from work about 8pm, say my hellos to wife and Daughter and then open myself wine to start drinking ( My Mrs Teetotal, never liked the taste so never started) My Mrs told me my Daughter had a bad tummy ache, only that my only daughter when younger has had extensive bowel surgery and repeat surgery because of scar tissue causing blockages, so whenever she gets tummy pains we are more alert even though last op was 8 years ago . I just said "its just a bug " stop worrying . I was actually worried that something might stop my drinking ( realised this today, sad as it is ) .
They went to Bed about 1030pm and I finished bottle of wine then drank 3 cans of Budweiser then came up to bed.
45 mins after falling asleep I was awoken, my daughter was in chronic pain and My wife wanted to get her to hospital asap...My attitude was truly disgusting, I felt rough and just yelled "Its a bug " clam down etc.
We ended up going to hospital, my decision should have been one of support and care for my Daughter, it was somewhat lacking, I was drunkish and this was affecting me getting a good nights sleep.
My wife had to drive to hospital, when we got there after a short wait we where seen etc, we forgot some stuff so my wife wanted me to go home asap..I could not drive as I was well over limit, there was an hour wait for cab so I walked 45 min at 4am to home then ordered cab to take me back, I arrived back at hospital nearly 3 hours from leaving My wife and very poorly daughter all because I was drunk..yet again.

I made My mind up on that walk back from the hospital this morning at 4am that I will never ever touch another drop of alcohol for the rest of my life.
My wife has told me today that the side she see last night of me was horrible, she even told me that she was going to tell me at the hospital that we are over .
All day I have felt physically sick over my attitude and for putting how I felt before my family's well being, I am never making excuses but I do know that if I was sober and fresh the whole situation would have been different.
I have had hundreds of episodes where drink has got me involved in petty arguments oR i have said something which I thought as funny but really is offensive, but last nights episode is the worst its alcohol and its me and its intimate with me and my small family.

This afternoon I came home from hospital, and I have cleared every single wine/beer bottle from my house and dumped them, I have been in tears with my Mrs and told here I am done forever with drink, I dont care if I crave/get bored/dont sleep I am never ever going to have one sip again.

Anyway Mrs is staying at hospital with My 16 year old daughter tonight who yet again as a bowel blockage . they are hoping it clears itself this time.

But they are in good hands and safe and i am never going to drink again.

I will post updates, because i love this site and I love reading posts and threads from all you guys.

One thing that haunts me is feeling half cut at the hospital at 3am and totally at a loss. Staying up all night with no sleep sober is easy, but when you stay up all night in a crisis drunk like I was you really see alcohol for what it is.

If grammar is poor , 47 hours up now.