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A Very Dark day but there is light..

Old 01-13-2012, 02:37 PM
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A Very Dark day but there is light..

Think I need to post this for every one if it helps and for myself. Not too sure if anyone remembers me posting a few posts a few months back, it always the same stop, start, going to stop forever, fail and rinse and repeat stuff.

Yesterday was like any other day come home from work about 8pm, say my hellos to wife and Daughter and then open myself wine to start drinking ( My Mrs Teetotal, never liked the taste so never started) My Mrs told me my Daughter had a bad tummy ache, only that my only daughter when younger has had extensive bowel surgery and repeat surgery because of scar tissue causing blockages, so whenever she gets tummy pains we are more alert even though last op was 8 years ago . I just said "its just a bug " stop worrying . I was actually worried that something might stop my drinking ( realised this today, sad as it is ) .
They went to Bed about 1030pm and I finished bottle of wine then drank 3 cans of Budweiser then came up to bed.
45 mins after falling asleep I was awoken, my daughter was in chronic pain and My wife wanted to get her to hospital asap...My attitude was truly disgusting, I felt rough and just yelled "Its a bug " clam down etc.
We ended up going to hospital, my decision should have been one of support and care for my Daughter, it was somewhat lacking, I was drunkish and this was affecting me getting a good nights sleep.
My wife had to drive to hospital, when we got there after a short wait we where seen etc, we forgot some stuff so my wife wanted me to go home asap..I could not drive as I was well over limit, there was an hour wait for cab so I walked 45 min at 4am to home then ordered cab to take me back, I arrived back at hospital nearly 3 hours from leaving My wife and very poorly daughter all because I was drunk..yet again.

I made My mind up on that walk back from the hospital this morning at 4am that I will never ever touch another drop of alcohol for the rest of my life.
My wife has told me today that the side she see last night of me was horrible, she even told me that she was going to tell me at the hospital that we are over .
All day I have felt physically sick over my attitude and for putting how I felt before my family's well being, I am never making excuses but I do know that if I was sober and fresh the whole situation would have been different.
I have had hundreds of episodes where drink has got me involved in petty arguments oR i have said something which I thought as funny but really is offensive, but last nights episode is the worst its alcohol and its me and its intimate with me and my small family.

This afternoon I came home from hospital, and I have cleared every single wine/beer bottle from my house and dumped them, I have been in tears with my Mrs and told here I am done forever with drink, I dont care if I crave/get bored/dont sleep I am never ever going to have one sip again.

Anyway Mrs is staying at hospital with My 16 year old daughter tonight who yet again as a bowel blockage . they are hoping it clears itself this time.

But they are in good hands and safe and i am never going to drink again.

I will post updates, because i love this site and I love reading posts and threads from all you guys.

One thing that haunts me is feeling half cut at the hospital at 3am and totally at a loss. Staying up all night with no sleep sober is easy, but when you stay up all night in a crisis drunk like I was you really see alcohol for what it is.

If grammar is poor , 47 hours up now.
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:46 PM
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I hope that your daughter is ok and will get to come home soon. I understand...realizing that you've let your children down in some way is the hardest part about getting sober. You can't change the past. But by quitting today, you can make it right from here on. Good luck, DarkDays.
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:51 PM
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Thank you for posting Darkdays.

My prayers are with your daughter, and with you.

Its never to late to begin that journey of recovery , everything else will come along with it.

Good love, Inda
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:52 PM
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Hang in there DarkDays! The light is there, if you're willing to look for it. Sometimes we need to look really hard, but it's out there.
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:57 PM
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Thanks for your post, DarkDays. It was a stark reminder of how I would respond to any need at all in the middle of the night when I was drunk sleeping.

Congrats on day one, or possibly two by now. I hope you'll keep posting here!
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:58 PM
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I remember you DarkDays - welcome back
I'm really sorry for you, your daughter & family - I hope your daughter will be back and home and fine again soon

What happened to you was my nightmare - and several times I should have been there for people...and I just wasn't.

I was so entrenched in my addiction I eventually returned to and kept drinking...
I'm glad to see you've made a different decision

I really hope you can make this a turning point for you

D
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:10 PM
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I hope your daughter gets through this alright.

It's very hard to accept that we have neglected our duties as parents because of alcohol, but it's true. All you can do at this point, is accept what happened and move on and stay sober.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:12 PM
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In my addictions I let down my family so many times. When I would sober up I would be sick from the hangover and even sicker from the horrible guilt and shame.

I still remember the guilt and shame and sickness from the last night I drank. At that time my wife and I were going to split up for awhile because of my addictions. We told the children everything that I had been doing and that mommy and daddy were going to separate for awhile. Their hearts were completely shattered. Seeing them in complete depair tore my heart into a million pieces.

I have since been sober, we are all still together, and we are building a new, stronger foundation.

I believe it can be so with you. Our families need us more than we ever realized when we were in a druken stupor.

You can rise again, as we all can, and be the people we are supposed to be. Some hard work, determination, and a strong support group will get us their.

Stay strong.

God bless.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:17 PM
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Your story broke my heart ... not just because I've been there but I really feel your pain. I know that humiliation, disgust, and shame that goes along with neglecting your family in favor of your drinking. It hurts. My last bender was on Christmas Eve ... blacked out, went on a verbal tirade against my family, and then fell on some furniture and cracked a couple of ribs. Christmas Day was spent apologizing to all of them and nursing a wicked hangover and hurting ribs. I was completely disgusted with myself. We eventually made it a decent Christmas (my family has always been forgiving of my behavior - I don't know why), but the memory of it will never go away even though I'm sober now. And that wasn't the first time something like that has happened.

There IS light and I'm so happy that you can see it. You can have the sober life that you want and be the husband and father you want to be. You've made a good start coming here. We will support you. We've been there.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:30 PM
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Hi Darkdays,

What an honest and heartfelt post. Yes people getting in the way of our drinking, I think we all know that one.
You are a decent man and I am so glad to hear thatyou are taking alcohol out of the equation, you will benefit greatly but you will need support and a program.

All the best
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Old 01-13-2012, 04:22 PM
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I had a similar event with my youngest son - emergency trip to the doctors during the night. Staggering into the surgery a mess.

I swore off it then but idiot that I was I didn't stick to it. Took me another 10 years and many more incidents to finally stop for good. Hopefully you will crack it this time and won't need to put yourself or your family through any more rubbish.

Well done for making the start you have!

Stu.
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Old 01-13-2012, 05:32 PM
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prayers sent. stay strong, stay stopped!
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Old 01-13-2012, 05:43 PM
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DarkDays, Thank you for a heartbreaking but uplifting post. I'm sure it will help many people.

I also let my family & everyone else down. I was just a shell of a person in the end. As Jocata said, we can once again be the people we were meant to be. Learn from what happened, but don't wallow in the misery of it for too long. You have taken a brave step toward a wonderful new life - be proud of yourself. We're here to listen and help.
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Old 01-14-2012, 01:34 AM
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Have to say thank you very much to you all, you really do help. Well after a good nights sleep through sheer exhaustion I am ready to begin this journey for the rest of my living days.

Thanks again.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:25 PM
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Bit premature but 30 days tomorrow, feel in a different place to when I posted this thread.

Never ever going through these early days again.

Thanks to all for inspiration and insight.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:40 PM
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Amazing work, DarkDays. We are all so proud of you!
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:51 PM
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Wow, I'm so glad that you are doing well.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:51 PM
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Congratulations DD.
You have been through a lot in the last little while and have come out strong.
Keep it up.
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Old 02-10-2012, 03:58 PM
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Really glad to read your update - way to go DD

D
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Old 02-10-2012, 05:18 PM
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Congrats Dark Days! You need to change your name to Bright Days! Wishing you many more brighter days. Doesn't it feel great to be sober?
To see how far you've come?
I love the saying, I've seen too much to go back now!
The past is just that, over. But today is a gift! That's why it's called the present.
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