I am sorry that you are feeling blindsided and in so much pain.
sometimes in a meeting someone will remind us all that we're a bunch of sick people. ;0
I don't mean that in a disrespectful way.
I mean seriously, those who find themselves following 12 steps of recovery do so for a reason...usually it is an attempt to recover from a soul sickness
this is your life NOW English. people grow and change. maybe the sadness and sickness (nausea) you feel is that you are awakening to your own needs. maybe those needs had become subservient...maybe it was a slow subtle process in the relationship you shared (the frog in boiling water comparison) or maybe you just weren't as aware of them until now. the good news is that you have identified your needs, and the lack of them being met...you have diagnosed your problem, and there definitely are solutions
the rooms are filled with sick people, don't ever forget that. we don't end up in recovery because we are stellar at being human. the steps are a spiritual program, and everyone works them to their own drum.
just because you are a bishop doesn't mean you don't abuse little boys
we all have our faults, some of us end up allowing our needs to become subservient...slowly, subtly, quietly...until we wake up!! awakening can be painful, but life is good when your eyes are open.
praying for your recovery