Waiting for a RA

Old 01-03-2012, 09:21 AM
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Waiting for a RA

Hello everyone,
I was a member some years back and am here again with a new name.

I struggled back then with the hard honesty of those here who had become savvy about what addicts do and what anyone faces in relationship with an addict. I thought, back then, many of the truth-tellers were simply more linear in their thinking and did not possess my kind of spiritual heart.

Oh. So sorry. I was so misguided. Thank you, all the veteran SR members whose posts I have read every day for the past 5 years, even though I stopped posting my story. I thank you from my heart for your hard assessments of the dangers and darkness involved in loving an addict.

I was in love with a recovering drug addict with well over a decade of recovery, someone I met in an Al-Anon meeting. He was a star. He did service work, he spoke at conferences, he had 4 years of Al-anon in addition to the many years in CA. He was a good father.

But he was brutal to me. It was such a shock to me. The coldness, the indifference, the blaming, the arrogance. Most of all, the absence of any real compassion and interest in me. It was from the start and remained so, only about him. He was the center of the universe. And sometimes it was so subtle.

I read on here often stories about the special connection someone feels with her addict partner, and I usually infer from the description of the relationship that really it is just an addict getting his immature and narcissistic need for attention and nurturing met. It is so subtle and it spins such a deadly pattern. The codependent thinks she (or he) is connecting in a soulful way with an addict who is really just high on the illusion of intimacy and the attention. The addict is humble, self-searching, confessional, inspirational, and it is so intoxicating, this special connection. This pattern trapped me for a long time.

I was so blindsided when I realized there were two people in the relationship but only one of them really mattered--him--that I was sick to my stomach not just for months but years. And I have visited this forum religiously to cleanse myself of my illusions.

Today I am still struggling to recover from the shattering of my belief not just in a man, or a soul connection, but my belief in recovery itself. My partner is a star. He is the winner they all adore. And if he is the poster child for recovery, I just can't believe in it anymore. It is hard to believe in something I have only read about but never seen. I love the AA Big Book, its passion and its heart and its humility.....and I made the mistake of believing that people who are in recovery must surely be living the 12 steps. Surely.

I have no wisdom to share here other than my profound realization that what everyone here said is true (and the RA's say this here all the time): actions over words.

If you are still loving those phone calls and letters and special walks in the park with someone who is in active addiction or who is in recovery but not really and you think you are connecting.....be careful. It is a selfish disease, it is chronic, relapsing, and it requires daily vigorous management for life. An active addict does not care about you. And a recovering addict who is unable to put you first as mutually as you put him/her first....does not care about you either.

Thank you, all you SR veterans. I still wake up in pain and sometimes nausea, in disbelief and shock from being devastated by a recovery god. And I head for the computer and read all your hard true words until I feel clear and clean again.

Your friend,
EnglishGarden
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:28 AM
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Ann
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Welcome back, and thank you for sharing your journey with us, even though it took some nasty turns.

I think we expect everyone who is working a recovery program from whatever side, to be spiritual, kind, calm and enlightened and just pleasant to be around. We think that if we take away to drugs/raging codependency, they will become nice people. Sadly, some are still the obnoxious jerks they were before. Some hide it well under the mask of "recovery".

What helped me was to stay focused on my own values and stay true to them. It was very freeing to be able to stand for what I believe...even when I stand alone. When I do that and try to be the best person I can be, what others think matter less and less.

I am so glad you came back to use to share, and I hope you will continue sharing. You have been through several transitions and enlightenment and it is interesting to see recovery from the eyes of those who have been through this.

Welcome back hugs
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:57 AM
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I am sorry that you are feeling blindsided and in so much pain.

sometimes in a meeting someone will remind us all that we're a bunch of sick people. ;0
I don't mean that in a disrespectful way.
I mean seriously, those who find themselves following 12 steps of recovery do so for a reason...usually it is an attempt to recover from a soul sickness

this is your life NOW English. people grow and change. maybe the sadness and sickness (nausea) you feel is that you are awakening to your own needs. maybe those needs had become subservient...maybe it was a slow subtle process in the relationship you shared (the frog in boiling water comparison) or maybe you just weren't as aware of them until now. the good news is that you have identified your needs, and the lack of them being met...you have diagnosed your problem, and there definitely are solutions

the rooms are filled with sick people, don't ever forget that. we don't end up in recovery because we are stellar at being human. the steps are a spiritual program, and everyone works them to their own drum.

just because you are a bishop doesn't mean you don't abuse little boys

we all have our faults, some of us end up allowing our needs to become subservient...slowly, subtly, quietly...until we wake up!! awakening can be painful, but life is good when your eyes are open.

praying for your recovery
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Old 01-03-2012, 10:00 AM
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and just because a bishop...

doesn't mean the church with an outreach program hasn't done wonders in the world
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:16 PM
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itsa funny thing this being on the other side of the fence. and it is not just addiction, it is narcissism. something deep inside does not feel right. we become aware of it, but any defense against it erodes as little things like calls or letters or whatever, make us say, nah, it cant be that bad. something that feels so deeply has to be real. but htere are cons out there. whether they intend to be or not, they are cons. sometimes they live the fantasy as much as us. so, we go along hoping, pushing down red flags, holding on, until we jsut give up and give in or we have that wake up. sometimes we dont know anything else, or forget what a healthy relationship feels like. its hard to find yourself in the middle of the wilderness alone, but sometimes we are better off that way.
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Old 01-04-2012, 01:42 PM
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I am glad you are back.

As a recovering addict/alcoholic, I completely understand what you are saying.

My youngest daughter's father has been sober over 31 years now. He is a recovery God as you put it.

Outside the circle of recovery, he was and still is an absentee father who never gave a damn about any of his 5 kids, my daughter included.

I am so sorry for your pain. I truly am.
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:01 PM
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Glad that you are back and I feel that what you have shared is so powerful......I appreciate that you took the time to write this.

I've struggled with my how my husband (who I am now separated from) got "sober" and did "recovery for about 1 1/2 years. Then he stopped. I had it in my head that if only he went to meetings that maybe he wouldn't be the self-centered and narcissistic man that I lived with. After reading your post I realize that I had been tormenting myself with shoulda, woulda, couldas.....and that nothing really guarantees "right acting".

I think that I've taken another step in my own recovery after reading your post and feeling another light bulb turn on. I hope that you will continue to post.

Thanks!
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:48 PM
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I too will say WELCOME BACK.

and I made the mistake of believing that people who are in recovery must surely be living the 12 steps. Surely.
As a recovering alcoholic/addict with over 30 years continuous recovery, I have to tell my sponsees to watch someone's ACTIONS, to see if they walk the way they talk IN ALL THEIR AFFAIRS, ie jobs, home life, social situations, etc

There are many in 12 step programs and other programs that are 'living' their recovery, there are also a GREAT MANY that are still 'putting on a show', and eventually it will 'trip them up.'

I am sorry you have found yourself with one of the latter. Any time I run across one of the "12 step Gurus" I take 3 steps back and watch. I also warn my sponsees about the said 'Gurus' that I know of.

Gurus usually do 'zero in on' another's 'weak points'. Something exuding from our 'insides' not our outsides. Over these many years I have come to realize that I attract to me folks that have 'similar' insides to mine. So what I had to do for me, is really really work VERY HARD on me. Clean out the damage and wreckage of my own past, continue to work hard in Alanon to get rid of my codependency issues, and in the process have found that I am attracting a different type of person these days, ones who have also worked very hard on themselves.

You know when you sober up an asshat, many times all you have is a sober asshat. lol

So pull up your keyboard, vent, rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh. Share your ES&H and we will share ours.

Good to see you back and participating!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 09-16-2012, 02:28 AM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
The codependent thinks she (or he) is connecting in a soulful way with an addict who is really just high on the illusion of intimacy and the attention. The addict is humble, self-searching, confessional, inspirational, and it is so intoxicating, this special connection. This pattern trapped me for a long time.
Wow Englishgarden - just reading through your earlier posts - these could be my words - EXACTLY how I use to describe H!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!! What a wake up call!!
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