blwninthewind

I love my husband. I do.
He has over a year sober now.
He doesn't go to AA near as much. It is like every other 'hobby' he's ever had...he jumps in with both feet and gets bored quick.
I was attending Al-non. I haven't been in months.
I still dream of living in a house with serenity.
A place where I don't answer to anyone but myself.

I don't get choices. If I move the furniture...I can bet within an hour I hear he doesn't like it and moves everything back. If I moved things in the kitchen he can't handle change and puts everything right back..forget about the fact he doesn't cook much.

I am beginning to think it's about control.
I can't have what I want...whether it be a new pair of boots, "oh those are funny looking", or "those pants look like pajamas!" or even moving the couch a foot. Unless he does it...it's a bad idea.

After awhile you begin to doubt everything you do. Everything you think. Every choice you make.

I don't know whether I would term it abusive since i don't believe it's intentional but I do know I'm not happy with all this. I blame myself. I allowed it to progress to this point and I at this point don't think I can do anything without his approval, his help and his permission.

I'm just worn out. He's sucked the life out of me day by day for the past 20 yrs. I'm sick of the complaints, I'm sick of not ever getting what I want. I'm tired of being the one who sacrifices for everything he wants.

I'm just praying for the new year. I'm praying I can find a way for my own happiness. I'm praying for serenity.

I just don't know. I just want to have some hope.