When I think back to my dysfunctional childhood...I was always trying to fix things, and look for approval from everyone to try and make everything okay, and never really had a "Normal" relationship with any boyfriend or husband. There was always turmoil, violence, addiction, verbal abuse. Keeping "friends" who were toxic, because I was afraid of ending the relationships for fear of hurting their feelings, and wanting to make everything okay. Listening to their endless trashing of other people..(even though I knew the stuff they said not to be true) . I believe I actually developed "STOCKHOLM SYNDROME" with some of the relationships. Feeling the person had such power over me, that I could not detach myself from them. I recently , permanently, "cut off" a "friend" I work with...who was so emotionally poisoning, that I actually began to become depressed when I was around her. It was after she bragged about beating her dog on several occasions, that I decided to end the " friendship" ...she made me sick! Literally! I simply stopped speaking to her...very quietly, and unemotionally...I detached. I felt such self-loathing whenever I listened to her...or walked with her, or shared a lunch with her. I found myself looking for approval, even after she infuriated me with her condescending, sanctimonious crap. Then, I guess that day, I had just had enough. I actually feel stronger, and more assertive now. I sometimes think about having a "normal" relationship with a man, after I divorce my husband...but I'm afraid I'll hook up with another addict. I'll just float with the tide for now.
