Before my dad was in jail, when he called here and was stupid drunk, I would find a rapid excuse to get off the phone. To avoid the crazy coming back later to bite me because I hurried him off the phone, I would call him back when I knew he would be busy and tell him I was returning his call because I had time. Of course, he'd be busy so he'd hurry me off the phone, but he wasn't being completely crazy then. So I set up a situation to limit my exposure to the crazy.
My mom's crazy is more organic, and I'm fairly certain she's got a mental illness of some sort. But even there, there are ways I can work around her triggers most of the time.
And when I couldn't work around the triggers, I would pull inside myself. I would tell myself that I need (as in "my need", not as in "their expectations") to treat people with respect and dignity, or at least civility and politeness - I would focus on doing just that and insist to myself that I would at least treat my parents, no matter how crazy they chose to be, with the same level or civility and politeness that I would treat someone in line at the bank or the grocery store.
It was a lot of work, but I could look myself in the mirror the next day and compliment myself on staying centered on me and not getting sucked into their crazy. I decided to go "no crazy". They can keep all their crazy for themselves.
Now that my mom has dementia, it's drastically lessened her crazy. She's kind of sheep-like. And with my dad in jail, and him not allowed to contact me in any way, the complete lack of crazy has allowed me to build on my skills of staying "no crazy". I have other non-relatives who bring plenty of crazy into my world - one of my coworkers is at least as crazy as my family. I practice on her - when she gets in her crazy place, I practice being who I want to be, no matter what her behavior is.
The good thing about this is that it makes me feel amazingly strong. That I can walk away (mentally or physically) from the crazy is incredibly empowering. That I can hold my head high and have nothing to chastise myself about in my own behavior is also incredibly empowering.
That doesn't mean that I don't occasionally want to reach out and throttle someone, but I am now able to check that emotion and shift into "stranger in line with me" mode. I can hold my head up high and say genuinely that I did not participate in the crazy.
I'm not sure if this is a good explanation - it wasn't something I read in a book or heard from anyone else. One day I just decided that I didn't like how I felt when I got sucked into their crazy world. I'm not a mean person or an ugly person or a terribly judgmental person. I'm not violent and I don't enjoy insulting people. It doesn't make me feel powerful to yell or scream at others or put them down. It DOES make me feel powerful to bend and sway like a palm tree in a hurricane - still standing after the storm has passed, when all others have been destroyed. It looks like weakness from the outside to some people, but when they try to bully me, it doesn't work and it really really frustrates them to not be successful in bullying me, while I give them absolutely no reason to yell at me or accuse me of being horrible. What can they accuse me of? Being polite? Oh, that looks ... even more crazy than whatever they started with.
My coworker once accused me rather loudly, and in front of most of the rest of the company, of thinking she was stupid (I believe her exact words were "I know you think I'm stupid, you've thought I was stupid ever since we started working here.") I was surprised at her accusation (it kind of came out of the blue) and everyone else stopped to see how this was going to play out. I calmly said "I never said that, and I don't believe it about you. You said that. If that is how you feel about yourself, I am truly sorry to hear it." She was gobsmacked, everyone else started breathing again, and that was the end of that. I didn't get sucked into her crazy. I put her crazy back at her feet again, and told her, in essence, that I was truly sorry she was carrying so much crazy with her, while refusing to accept the crazy she was attempting to give me.
There are so many different ways that can play out. My dad once, when drunk, told me that my husband was a total loser and he couldn't believe that both of his daughters grew up to marry such losers. I replied that I was sorry he felt that way about my husband, especially as I was still very much in love with my husband and had no plans of being rid of him.
I guess I see it as someone trying to hand me a package of crazy. They hand it to me, but I don't have to accept it from them. So I say "gee, that looks like a lovely pile of crazy you have there, but I think I'll have to decline the offer." Nothing says I have to accept the package of crazy from them, I can hand it right back (metaphorically/verbally) and let them sit with it. I've found it to be a remarkably good tool to use with ANY crazy person - work, home, family, strangers, anyone really.
And if a tiny bit of kindness is thrown in, it confuses them no end - as I did when I told my coworker that I didn't think she was stupid and that I was truly sorry if she felt that way about herself. And y'know what? I really am truly sorry for her if she feels that way about herself - what a sad existence to always believe one is stupid. The tiny bit of kindness seems to knock them off of the rails, and they don't know what to do. It's like they're expecting resistance, but end up discovering that what they thought was solid is actually just fog. (There is also a technique called "fogging", but that's a different technique than what I do)
I hope I'm making some sense here. I know what it feels like better than I can describe it. What it feels like is as if I have decided that I am whole, I am strong, I am capable, I am humane and I am empowered to behave in manners befitting my personal beliefs of how humans ought to treat each other. It's a very strong position to come to, even if it is perceived as weak initially.