Bobby,
I'm right there with you. I think the time of year has something to do with it. I was making photo calendars for family yesterday and stumbled on some pictures from a happier time with AXH. With friends, and kids, smiling. I could see his beauty again. I could miss the good times we did have. All that stuff that I have, for my sanity, held at arm's length for a year and a half.
And I missed that. All of a sudden. I had to go back and reread my blog, reread my e-mails to my friends, reread my statement to the court about how he in a drunken rage threatened me and our children. I had to remind myself that behind and between and under those moments of good times was a thick layer of pain and hurt and abuse.
Someone told me that we humans heal well. That our mind shies away from the ugly as a self-protection mechanism. For people like us, that mechanism is dangerous. Because when we start remembering the good times and forgetting the bad -- which is healthy in a healthy relationship -- that's when we start sliding back into taking their description of reality as our own and questioning our choices.
I honest-to-God-ly asked myself yesterday "what if I am crazy? What if he's right, that I really out of the blue just dumped him and ran away with the children for no reason? What if I blew that threat (and knife) out of proportion? What if he was just trying to make a point?" (See where I'm going here...?)
I think it's sane to grieve. I just realized I have to be careful doing it, and doing it in small portions, when I can "afford" it emotionally. Or else I'd be easy prey again.
One step at a time, friend. We can do this.