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It's been a year & "Grieving" just kicked in...WTH??..

Old 12-18-2011, 10:50 AM
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It's been a year & "Grieving" just kicked in...WTH??..

Yep, It's been a year since he moved away

This week "Grieving" finally kicked in

I stand at the closet smelling his clothes

Clinching onto his shirts

I lay in bed imagining his body laying next to mine

My feet have never been so cold

As my vehicle was parked in the mall parking lot last night

I could see him walk towards me with his precious smile

and I could hear him ask me, "Did you get everything on your shopping list?"

It's hard to eat, It's hard to smile, but it so easy to sleep away the day

I just want to sleep and cry in between

I want too and I do hide from the world on days like today...

I have been reading and reading on the steps of grieving

Nothing seems to take the pain away

They say it's part of the process and it takes time

I just pray, this goes away soon, I hate it....

I cant believe that it has hit me in the head this hard

Im mad at myself, I should be stronger than this, right?!?!?!?

Why now, a year later, do I get to deal with grieving??? WTH???
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Old 12-18-2011, 11:09 AM
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Bobby....a big hug to you. What many of us have discovered that the grieving process has a life of its own. I think for me initially, its such crisis management and dealing with practical realities of dealing with a drinker. Later on...as we maneuver through the toughest crisis parts, we settle a bit, and have time to take an inventory of where we are. THEN the true grieving begins in earnest. So it's not so unusual that you are just noticing the grief.

What I did, (right along side of the crisis management) is get rid of every single item of his, or anything associated with him. I had to make the trips of garbage bags of his stuff...but every morsel of his stuff, I got out of my space in the first two weeks. I had to. I feel it would have prolonged my agony to have to look at, smell and live with his stuff. It helped!! I have a friend who is an officiant coming over today to do a house clearing: a ceremony of clearing my space, and healing. We'll state the positive intention for my home in every room....and will pay special attention to the AH's "man cave" where all the drinking was hidden and the room that carries such negative images for me. So those are the steps I've taken and am taking to re-claim my space: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The house has been completely emptied of his things, now spiritually a little ritual to heal the feelings.

Please be gentle with yourself during this time. You are the LAST person to be mad at! Gather your loving friends, and consider what steps you might take that would be meaningful to you, to help you move on.

Biggest hugs!
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Old 12-18-2011, 11:17 AM
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Sending (((hugs))) and encouragement.

This is a tip a friend gave me while I was actively grieving:

"If you find yourself stuck in a phase of grief (anger, depression, etc), get help"

I kept a mental journal of when each phase began. At one point I needed help with the depression. I felt stuck.

It was good advice. Passing it along with love.
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Old 12-18-2011, 11:41 AM
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BobbyJ, sorry to hear your sad. I understand what you are going through. Keep posting and get it out. The people here are really good at helping to get through issues.
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Old 12-18-2011, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Pelican View Post
Sending (((hugs))) and encouragement.

This is a tip a friend gave me while I was actively grieving:

"If you find yourself stuck in a phase of grief (anger, depression, etc), get help"

I kept a mental journal of when each phase began. At one point I needed help with the depression. I felt stuck.

It was good advice. Passing it along with love.
This is such simple but valuable advice! Sometimes it's simply too much to manage on our own.

You are not alone. We all seem to get stuck in these cyclical phases of grief and it sounds like yours, although delayed, is still just that. I'm thinking of trying medication temporarily to help ease the paralyzing pain/depression because therapy alone (helpful as it is) does not seem to be enough. Our bodies have been chemically altered from this experience, imbalanced.

I don't think it's something we just snap out of on our own and am learning it takes more than just time to heal. It takes being proactive. It requires changing YOUR learned behaviors and thought processes that perpetuate the grief. It requires outside help from professionals and support groups. It's natural to miss him and feel those feelings but if it is interfering with your life and happiness to this degree one year later you may have to take action to change that.

So sorry you're feeling this pain!
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Old 12-18-2011, 02:49 PM
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Hugs Bobby,

I have been out of the madness for 3 years now and at some moments I still miss my friend, a memory or trigger comes out of the blue. But it is not nearly as strong as it was before.. it will get better...

I also deleted the pictures, emails, etc but for me it took more than a year to find the strength and let him go in that way.

Also, I have realized letting someone 100% is the only way to keep them dear in your heart. At least.. now that I have "set him free".. I can start to remember a few things, and laugh and be grateful I got to live some very special moments..... and discard the rest. Letting people go is keeping them close to your heart. (The good parts&the lessons learned.)
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Old 12-18-2011, 03:05 PM
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Bobby J-

I am almost a year out from my divorce and over 19mths from when all the madness really began.

In many ways this year has been harder than 2010. I lovingly say that I have been through the stages of grief (minus acceptance once), and this year I have done the stages without the "bandaid of denial" that I had in my life prior.

I have not needed meds up until this point, but I have a contract with my counselor that if she thinks I need them at any point I will go onto them....no questions asked. Just knowing that I have that in place helps me....that is one less thing that I have to worry about.

The depression part is the hardest for me.

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself.
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Old 12-18-2011, 03:09 PM
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I am sorry that you are struggling. When my exabf was out of my life...for good...I tossed out all his remaining "stuff"...helped me to move forward. Maybe if you tossed his remaining clothes and so forth you might end the grieving.

Sending hugs your way...Dolly
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Old 12-18-2011, 08:42 PM
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Oh honey- we could have had a pity party together. I know for me its the holidays. Last year I ran away. I didn't deal with it and everything was so new and it was an adventure. This year I am home and it is still too hard to decorate or go through the motions of pretending to celebrate Christmas. I am allowing myself to do just what makes me happy. A few cards to close friends. A few gatherings with friends. But today it seemed everything reminded me of him. Every movie on TV, every song on the radio. I went Christmas shopping and could not stop crying while driving. I remember thinking that all I wanted was for someone to hug me and tell me that it was going to be ok and that it wouldn't hurt like this forever. Then my phone rang and it was my mom-who is not the person I go to for comfort. I thought. "be careful what you wish for." We actually had a good conversation and later I spoke to my sister and then another friend. I distracted myself by shopping- got myself out of the house which sometimes is a feat in itself and then I tried to be thankful for the fact that I had all these folks who I wanted to buy gifts for and who I could talk to afterwards. Sometimes we just need to grieve. Feel the pain in all its agony and then we can move on toward gratitude.
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Old 12-18-2011, 09:19 PM
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Bobby,

I'm right there with you. I think the time of year has something to do with it. I was making photo calendars for family yesterday and stumbled on some pictures from a happier time with AXH. With friends, and kids, smiling. I could see his beauty again. I could miss the good times we did have. All that stuff that I have, for my sanity, held at arm's length for a year and a half.

And I missed that. All of a sudden. I had to go back and reread my blog, reread my e-mails to my friends, reread my statement to the court about how he in a drunken rage threatened me and our children. I had to remind myself that behind and between and under those moments of good times was a thick layer of pain and hurt and abuse.

Someone told me that we humans heal well. That our mind shies away from the ugly as a self-protection mechanism. For people like us, that mechanism is dangerous. Because when we start remembering the good times and forgetting the bad -- which is healthy in a healthy relationship -- that's when we start sliding back into taking their description of reality as our own and questioning our choices.

I honest-to-God-ly asked myself yesterday "what if I am crazy? What if he's right, that I really out of the blue just dumped him and ran away with the children for no reason? What if I blew that threat (and knife) out of proportion? What if he was just trying to make a point?" (See where I'm going here...?)

I think it's sane to grieve. I just realized I have to be careful doing it, and doing it in small portions, when I can "afford" it emotionally. Or else I'd be easy prey again.

One step at a time, friend. We can do this.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:15 AM
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Probably running out of anger, BobbyJ. You've been so angry at him for so long; maybe now that the anger is residing, grieving can finally happen.

I really agree with Pelican. Asking for help is a sure sign of a strong recovery. Don't hesitate to reach out right now.

Sending hugs and prayers!
~T
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:35 AM
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It has to be the time of year - short, dark days, Christmas fast approaching, like a perfect storm of things to trigger grief. Found myself feeling the same emotions, especially putting up decorations. I came across the Ex's Christmas stocking which triggered a flood of tears and thoughts of the good times we shared, even so far as to think of contacting him so he wouldn't be alone at Christmas.

As it stands, it will be the pup and I at Christmas, by ourselves, but not alone. I have a lot to be grateful for and spending the day with a spoiled pup is special. We plan to watch Christmas DVD's, pig out on treats, have a nice dinner and be in touch with friends and family near and far.

I did like lillamy did-re-read my journals and those started triggering the not-so-good times, especially last Christmas which for me, was the beginning of the end of us as a couple. I remembered the hurt and anger I felt not only last Christmas, but when I ended it and realized that if I were to reach out, I would be right back to where I started from. As much as I love him, a life together just isn't possible, when only one of us is seeking recovery.

The triggers are still there, so is the grief. With the help of my loving AL-Anon friends, I am working through it. Coming daily to SR just to read gives me comfort as I know there are others who are feeling the same emotions.

It's a process, one we have to go through and to stuff those emotions down makes it all the harder to bear. One day at a time works for me.....

Hugs to you, BobbyJ......
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:29 PM
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I appreciate ALL of your thoughts, prayers and comments...

Shew! I needed to hear it and read it over and over...

I toyed with all of the information, and I would have to say

alot of your comments were "right on".

It's part of the process.

Once I understood that, and got it pounded into my pea brain

I could breathe again

It's not all gone yet, but it has lightened

I made of list of what has been going thru my head & heart

and what has been happening in my life on a daily basis.

I connected the dots to the process of grieving & fear

I understand it now....Dont like it, but understand it...

All I can say is, WOW! What a ride.....
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