i've lived my entire life with the world at arm's length, never fully honest, never fully trusting, and never fully understanding the use of either. it was the way i'd adapted and it made possible decades of alcoholic insanity by rendering all others insignificant in comparison. but there's this new relationship thing that i've unintentionally fallen into. he is, by all accounts, far better than i deserve, and completely oblivious to my past. he knows that i don't drink, but he doesn't know why, and as i careen ever closer to the daunting intersection of necessary disclosure, i realize that in addition to having no inkling of how someone else might be able to deal with my past, i myself have no idea how to deal with it. it is a hideous trail of tears that i've never approached with honestly, and it is the obstacle in my life that i am most ill-equipped to overcome.
funny how, when low, the punctuation is the first to go. my mind is all shout and bark right now. i didn't drink last nite, tho i wanted to, and after willing the night away, rose early and went on a very long run. because alone and in motion seem to be where i do best right now. accept the things i cannot change. accept the things i cannot change. accept the things i cannot change.