(((((((wallflower))))))))))
How can I say this? I keep typing and then erasing it, lol.
Um........let's just say that I never pre-planned anything as you are considering - but I've been there, done that. And you DO NOT want to do it. It will complicate your life even further!!!!!
It's time for you to gain control of your life now. Everyone fears change like you are. It's up to you though what you are willing to do to change your life and then to do it.
Gosh, I wish I could reach out to you and just give you a huge hug. I know how bad you are hurting and how lonely you feel. I know what you are going through and I think a lot of us have felt that way before.
Please keep posting here. We care about you and we want what is best for you.