An affair is lurking around the corner

Old 09-08-2004, 06:03 PM
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An affair is lurking around the corner

I have been married for 13 years now and have not cheated on my husband once. But now I feel different about our relationship and cannot continue as is. His "falling off the wagon" is now pretty much a 3-4 times a week thing. He used to just drink once every 2 weeks or so, binge drink that is. I cannot take it any more.
I want a husband that cannot wait to come home to his beautiful wife and kids, and make love to her 4 times a week. I am not getting what I need out of this marriage.
I am a stay-at-home mother of two children, 5 and 3.
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings once a week or so. So I am learning what to do and what NOT to do, but I do not know if I can hang in there anymore. I try to stay focused and do what "I" can, but just when things are going good for a few days, he's out drinking again after work and comes home really late a lot. Sometimes I cannot not even get in touch with him for hours.
I am afraid that he is going to eventually die and I will be left alone to pick up the pieces.
The pain and disappointment is making me crazy! I love this man, but it is not enough to keep me hanging in there much longer. I feel with each passing "episode" that I am that much closer to checking out of this marriage and moving on. I am also afraid of starting over. I am college educated, but have been out of the work force for 5+ years.
I really feel alone. My family is very far away and really unable to help in any way other that emotional support.
I am on my own with this one.
Please advise..............
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Old 09-08-2004, 06:18 PM
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((((WF))))-

For startes pleeeeeeeeeease reconcider having an affair. I think it would only make things worse!!! You don't need the added guilt!!!! If you want out go throught the correct channels so you are legally protected. You do not want him to be able to sue you for adultry.

Keep going to your meetings and talk to someone there that you know you can trust. Do you have a sponcer? If you don't than get one and start working the steps with them. Keep posting here too and get all the support you can!!!s to you....
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Old 09-08-2004, 06:19 PM
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Have you told your husband that you are losing your faith in him, as well as your feelings for him? You need to approach this with TLC -- Truth, Love and Compassion. Live your life emmersed in those three elements and you'll find that your decisions will reflect them as well. Your husband needs to hear what you are telling us. Whatever you decide, at least you'll know you were straight forward with him -- whether he deserves it or not. You will be able to live easier with this very big decision. Good luck. Love, Kit
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Old 09-08-2004, 08:09 PM
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WF please do not have the affair. I can't see anything good that will come of it. I agree with the others here. If you truly are done with the relationship do it through the legal channels. I don't think you will be happy with yourself afterwards if you were to go through with it either. Just because he isn't acting the way a husband should, doesn't mean you should seek out something you will most likely regret later.

I always love to hear happy endings, so I really hope that your husband gets his stuff together & comes around. Please try to seek all other options first.

Good Luck!
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Old 09-08-2004, 09:46 PM
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Suffering at the hands of a loved one is hard. You get cheated out of love, exceptance, and kind treatment. You want to feel love and be protected by the person you have committed to and sacrificed for. I did it and sacrificed almost my career trying to make things work only to be left after abuse and ill treatment. So I started an affair talking to, receiving attention, gifts, and advise. When I did, I started drifting from my AH who is now living with another woman, he became angry and wanted to reclaim his place in the household at distance. It was not it is not fair for him to cheat me of good feelings and times with someone who is not addicted and broke. I am still in the relationship as I allow my ex to deal with taking responsibility for his actions to include all the hurt he has imposed upon me. I am still alone, but at least I feel good about someone else finding me attractive and worth better treatment than the past years. People who care for you tend to warn you not to mess up because someone else is abusing you, yet they are not there to comfort you with the hugs, kisses, and acception you so desparately need. Your husband is having an affair with the booze and uses that as the excuse why he is not being their for you. Yes, you are alone most of the time, talking helps, writing helps, but it does not replace the physical presence of someone who is there for you. Men have been having affairs with numerous women and initiate them frequently and they do it without guilt. I will not blame you if you seek outside affection. Just be careful not to expect it to solve all your problems. I see my friend when I can and enjoy very much the attention and special times we have with the understanding this relationship will one day resolve. I don' t plan to break his situation up, I just enjoy what he gives me when he can. I am not always available, but it builds my self-esteem to know someone who is not addicted to substance thinks about me, spends time with me, talks to me, gives to me, and respects me as a person. It helps me not to take any more bulls it from the man I promised to love to only get pain and betrayal.
Go into the situation that you have evidently already started emotionally anyway weighing all the facts. Communicate alot and discuss expectations, reality, and perspectives.
Best wishes in your decision and seeking of peace in this matter.
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Old 09-09-2004, 03:16 AM
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"For startes pleeeeeeeeeease reconcider having an affair. I think it would only make things worse!!! You don't need the added guilt!!!! If you want out go throught the correct channels so you are legally protected. You do not want him to be able to sue you for adultry" Spendra quote.
Wallflower...think about what you are doing. What will the out come be if you have an affair? Chances are you may go into another relationship with problems of alcoholic or drugs.
Is it worth the hassle and all the guilt..you will have?
Believe me...been there..done that...and still have the guilt feeling...years later. Not worth it all in the long run.
Another added note here; I had an aunt who had an affair with a neighbor..years ago. The neighbor all so lived across the street. Aunts husband was an alcoholic too! She had three young children..all under the age of 8. The neighbor across the street was married..with two children..under 5. My aunt felt much the same way you did. She enjoyed staying home and taking care of her family...but yet she was despitely unhappy. The neighbor across the street had lost his job and his wife had to be the main wage earner in their family....which involved alot of travelling. Both the couples had been friends with one another for many years. Both bought their houses about the same time. Anyway to make a very long story short...they began a affair..which lasted two months. My aunts husband found out about the affair..he told the neighbors wife. Who then left husband..taking two kids. My aunts husband went out and had affair to prove to her..he could do it too! They ended up divorced. Both the houses were sold...all parties involved moved to other areas of state. While my aunt was forced to move into a small house..go to work. She said she felt so guilty for helping to break up two marriages. The guilt lasted for years. She did meet and marry a very nice bloke..who treats her like a queen. They have been married for over 35 years. But asking her about this affair..she says..she wishes she had it to do all over again..the affair would have never have happened!! Remember what we do...will affect us for a lifetime.

Last edited by bjmt; 09-10-2004 at 02:18 AM.
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Old 09-09-2004, 03:52 AM
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WF,

In my opinion, an affair is not your answer. Why? Well, because you said it yourself.....

I want a husband that cannot wait to come home to his beautiful wife and kids, and make love to her 4 times a week. I am not getting what I need out of this marriage.

You will not get that out of an affair. Two people involved in a relationship that want a future together have to be both emotionally and physically available to pursue that goal. If you are still married, you aren't available.....and if he is married...he isn't available to you....so what would be the point then of the affair?? Does that make sense to you?

If you know or feel that your marriage is over or not giving you what you want and are ready to leave, then why not do it....why not free yourself up and look for that possible relationship that you want to have? Unless you just not ready yet....unless you still have something that is holding you to this relationship....unless it is "him" that you want to be "that" husband......in which case you don't want to add an affair to the list of issues that you both need to work through before you get to that happy relationship you so desire.

But if it's just over and you're just there for some purpose, that only you know why...and you just need the little attention someone else might give you...well, just realize that what you have with an affair relationship is not permanent (for the most part) and is not going to go where you want it to go. It's a "for the now" situation and does not usually have a future...and presents it's own set of problems if you become to emotionally involved and expecting of that other person (who is not available or your not available to). You really need to think about it more indept before taking that step..because you can't take it back.
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Old 09-09-2004, 05:10 AM
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I agree ... an affair is the WRONG ANSWER!!!
#1 you will be bringing yourself down to his level
#2 he could use that against you if there are legal proceedings
#3 what kind of message will it be giving your children? That lying and cheating are acceptable behaviours?

If you cheat and the marriage breaks up, where will you be then? Sounds like you are more affraid of going back to work than you are of disolving your marriage. Stop focusing on what he is doing and put the focus back on you. A job will give you a sense of self worth and independance. Sure job hunting will be tough but it will be worth it. You will learn a lot about yourself and may find out you aren't as helpless as you think you are. Worry about the "what if's" when they happen and know that he won't change until you do. Remember ... "one day at a time," "one step at a time".

*hugs*
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Old 09-09-2004, 05:17 AM
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Two people involved in a relationship that want a future together have to be both emotionally and physically available to pursue that goal. If you are still married, you aren't available.....and if he is married...he isn't available to you....so what would be the point then of the affair?? Does that make sense to you?

Hi Wallflower,

The above from Pony is so very true.

Wallflower, ones self-esteem, self-respect, integrity and personal values are not dependent upon on what the other person does or doesn't do, it is completely dependent on what we do or do not do.

I would suggest taking the focus off your husband, and put it on you, and perhaps ask yourself one very important question......How is lowering your own personal values going to be of help to you, or your family?

If you have made the decision that this marriage isn't going to work out, then I would suggest taking actions that match your words. Actions speak a whole lot louder than mere words.

God Bless,
Patsy
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Old 09-09-2004, 10:59 AM
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Thanks everyone for your input. I do not take this very lightly and have pondered everything for a long time now. It is just so damn hard! I do not see how I am going to make it. I want what is best for my children. But I also cannot put my needs aside either. Just this morning I took Kit's advice [ Your husband needs to hear what you are telling us] and spoke to my husband about how I was feeling. I have spoken to him several times about it, but he does not want to get it. He says that everyone wants to have affairs after 13 years of marriage. That my feelings about it are normal. He also thinks that he is there for me and meeting my needs even when I tell him otherwise. He says that if he can't make me happy then nobody can. That no one can measure up to my standards. I told him that he was a idiot and a fool and get a f.....ing clue!
An affair would just be something fun, exciting and something to look forward to and take my mind of my troubles. Nothing more.
I have tried to explain to my husband why his drinking hurts me, our marriage and family. He does not see the pain it is causing, therefore it is in my head. His attitude just blows me away. He has been to rehab 3 times in the last 4 years and sobriety lasted maybe a month tops, and only because it was the first rehab.
My parents divorced when I was five and my mother was a single parent, so I know full well how divorce affects the children. It totally sucks.
I love my husband, but his drinking has to stop if this marriage is going to survive.
Louisedx seems to fully understand what I am feeling [Suffering at the hands of a loved one is hard. You get cheated out of love, exceptance, and kind treatment. You want to feel love and be protected by the person you have committed to and sacrificed for. . ] I feel I deserve better, but my children are what keep me here. My husband is a good provider and father, when he is sober, and we have many other marital issues like most alcoholic marriages, but we cannot begin to solve those problems until his drinking stops.
I am just tired of waiting for him to get his sh.t together! Once mine is together, I will be out the door. There has got to be a better life on the other side.
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Old 09-09-2004, 11:08 AM
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WF - just so you know, my AH told me a number of times that he couldn't do anything right, he could never satisfy me, I was never happy....and a litany of other things that made me think it was my fault. The best advice is what you said - get your life together and leave. If he sobers up, then may be your marriage can survive.
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Old 09-09-2004, 11:19 AM
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He says that if he can't make me happy then nobody can.
Yes he is absolutely and totally wrong, because the truth is a very simple one, if YOU can't make YOU happy, and then nobody can. Including an affair.

Its been my experience that people will do exactly as they are going to do, with or without anyones advice.

It seems to me that you have your entire focus on your husband, and that if he would only? The truth is that what you are feeling has nothing to do with your husband or his drinking. If he stopped drinking tomorrow, you would feel the same thing that you feel right now. How do I know this? Because happiness is an inside job, its that simple.

God Bless and I would suggest taking care of you by getting to Alanon meetings. Recovery works from ones own insides first and then to the outside. Not the other way around.

Patsy
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Old 09-09-2004, 12:38 PM
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WF- An affair is never the answer. When my husband was drinking, I kind of felt the same way. But I did not do it- it would not be right and I did not want to compromise my values. Divorce the jerk and find some one who will treat you right.
lousiedx- Ir sounds like you are having an affair with a married man. tHAT IS SO WRONG!!!!! yOU ARE GOING TO CAUSE INCREDIBLE HURT TO HIS WIFE, She will find out and will never rcover form the hurt. You are being incredibly selfish. If he is not married, then you are most at risk for the hurt. It is your risk to take. dax
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Old 09-09-2004, 12:53 PM
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WF - Just one further warning. When a person jumps from one relationship right into another one, there is the danger that the next one will be just as dysfunctional or worse than the last one. It really is important to take the time for self-examination and examination of the relationship in order to grow and learn.

Sounds like you would like to have a backup plan in case the marriage doesn't work out. Make that plan about you and your kids. I wish I had done that. I jumped into a second marriage and now have to deal with stepkids, custody arrangments, ex-wife, child support plus the quilt of not knowing if I did everything I could have in order to save the first marriage. I bailed out of fear and desire and latched onto what looked like a life preserver. It actually turned out to be an anchor and the weight of it all is enormous.
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Old 09-09-2004, 12:57 PM
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((Wallflower))
I know that it is hard and we are in a lot of pain seeing our loved ones sucked down by alcoholism and addiction. But as others have said, an affair is only going to cause more harm than good. I have done things that I thought would make me feel better in the past, and they made me feel worse about myself. Give Al-Anon and recovery some time. Lean on the people here and at the meetings. You can get through this and be stronger, more confident, and more serene if you can do that. Get some phone numbers and use them. Vent here. But don't do something that you will regret out of desperation. If you stick with recovery, there is healing and hope. If we cave in to our desperation, we will never find a healthier way to deal with things. Remember that this too shall pass. You won't be in this turmoil forever. You don't have to bare it alone. Hugs, Magic
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Old 09-09-2004, 01:33 PM
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Thanks everyone for your kind and gentle words. I will try to get to an Al-Anon meeting tonight or this weekend.
I know that I am somewhat emotionally unstable and needy, so bringing a third person into this, no matter the reasoning, cannot help my situation really. It is very tempting though because I am extremely attracted to this person and see him everyday. He lives right across the street. First and foremost, we are good friends and should just keep it at that.
I am afraid of getting a job. I do not know why really. I have always had a job since I was 12 and stopped working shortly after my first child was born 5 years ago. I am 37 now. I have a bachelors degree, but only worked for one year after that, so I pretty much still entry-level. I know that I have a lot to offer an employer, but I do not know how to market myself and I hate job interviews! It is hard for me to sell myself and jerk my own chain. Before college, I was in the Navy and had many interesting jobs and travels.
I am saddened by the idea of my kids being in daycare. My fears of the unknown are stopping me from making decisions about my marriage. I am afraid that maybe I will be worse off being a single working mother. My own mother had it rough raising three kids on her own and little financial support from my father. At least I have a degree to get my foot in the door unlike my mother.
My kids lives are really going to change if and when I return to work. I always wanted to be a mother that my mother was not and could not be. I also worry about all of the details like will I have to move from my house, who will take and pickup the kids from school and preschool, what time will I get off of work, and that I will only get to see their little faces for a few hours each day. It breaks my heart!
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Old 09-09-2004, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Wallflower
An affair would just be something fun, exciting and something to look forward to and take my mind of my troubles. Nothing more.
Yes it would be more ... MUCH more. You would have the shame and guilt of having betrayed your spouse's love and trust. You would have the shame and guilt of having betrayed your childrens' love and trust. What kind of person do you think gets involved with a married woman? Do you really think that sort of relationship would be benificial to you? You may experience a temporary escape from your troubles but the aftermath of the affair would ultimately increase your problems a hundred fold! What if it resulted in an STD? What if it produced another child? You are treading dangerous waters.

"I am afraid that he is going to eventually die and I will be left alone to pick up the pieces."

an affair is going to help that scenario in what way? Suppose your new friend decides he doesn't need a needy widow with children from a previous marriage in his life?

"I am also afraid of starting over. I am college educated, but have been out of the work force for 5+ years."

and next year it will be six years, the year after that it will be seven years. Consider this. What will happen if you DO get a job? Your self esteeme will soar. Your children will have a stronger more resourceful mother. Most children actually benefit from a good day care. THey are more articulate, more social and better prepared for school. Have you looked into the local services? Contact a womens shelter or the United Way. There are often FREE programs that will help you with your resume' and prepare you to enter the workforce. There are even government assistant programs that might help pay the cost of day care for a period of time. If you choose a daycare near your children's school, they will probably pick them up after school and even take them in the mornings if you need them to do so.
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Old 09-09-2004, 02:35 PM
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(((((((wallflower))))))))))

How can I say this? I keep typing and then erasing it, lol.

Um........let's just say that I never pre-planned anything as you are considering - but I've been there, done that. And you DO NOT want to do it. It will complicate your life even further!!!!!

It's time for you to gain control of your life now. Everyone fears change like you are. It's up to you though what you are willing to do to change your life and then to do it.

Gosh, I wish I could reach out to you and just give you a huge hug. I know how bad you are hurting and how lonely you feel. I know what you are going through and I think a lot of us have felt that way before.

Please keep posting here. We care about you and we want what is best for you.
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Old 09-09-2004, 06:54 PM
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An affair will be a degrading experience for you.

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Old 09-09-2004, 07:08 PM
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Wallflower-
Your post sound just like my life...I have 2 kids 5 and 3 and my husband (soon to be ex) is a "recovering" alcoholic...although I am not sure if he is walking in recovery or just skating by. The only difference between you and me is that my husband decieded he was done with me and has filed for a divorce...I also have to go back into the work force, and am going to be seeing my kids alot less than I was. My new job is a great job with great benefits and I will take my kids to daycare (at their aunts house next door) at 7:20 am and I will be home in time to be here when they get off of the bus. I am lucky that I have all of that going for me, but I had to work it out when he left. You will work it out too, but don't have an affair- he is in the wrong now...don't put yourself there, and also if you seriously don't see your marraige lasting...go now. Put some distance between the two of you and legally seperate. Maybe then he will really get help and after time you can work it out. Most of all take yourself all the way thru your own recovery....the last thing we want to do is to start a "new" life with another addict. Take care- I know how you are feeling...it is hard, but feel everything and learn from it. You matter too!
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