CanfixONLYme

I've been reading heart wrenching posts from several people, some great solid support (comfort) and some not so great...(putting that VERY mildly folks).

I've been thinking:

From what I've learned from 4 years of being with my soon to be ex-AH, and 15+ relapses is this: we as co-dependents will reach our "ENOUGH" stage when WE ARE INDIVIDUALLY READY... not when anyone else says we need to/or should. This goes for our family, friends and people who think they are helping on here by 'telling it like it is'...

It may take weeks, months (hell, years), but we all need to reach this point (if ever) in this lifetime ON OUR OWN. Just as our addicted loved ones must reach their 'end' on their own... so must we.

I went through these years venting, crying and trying to figure out ways to save my marriage, but most importantly, to save my AH from himself. In the process I started to lose who I was, and for a time, I wandered in the proverbial wilderness alone... and oh, so very depressed.

I came on here to post and then to read others postings of their own heartaches (and personal successes). I applauded those who were able to reach a stage where they were "OK" to do the 'impossible' but got there on their own recovery processes - not through others (manipulations/codependent controlling).

My AH has been gone from our home for almost a month and a half now. Last week he was in the psych ward of a hospital for five days and said to his mum (who is just in her own turmoil over him) that he did not want to live anymore if I was to not be in his life.

He and I spoke briefly on the phone (he called me) and I said that if he chose to go down that path, it was HIS choice, not mine... I would be sad, but it was ultimately him who would make the choice to live or to die. He started to cry (manipulation?) and said he really didn't want to die... that he wanted to get better etc., and then I wished him well and said perhaps we'd chat in a few months. I didn't promise him anything... just that I needed to take care of me right now. I never thought I would get to this place where I just 'dismissed' him over myself... and you know? I don't feel bad about it at all. I am starting to look after myself first and foremost and my wandering has finally come to an end...

My marriage to him was not all bad and I miss the man I made my 'forever' vows to... - I still have our wedding picture up (it was one of the happiest days of my life) and will never regret being his wife. But I am okay with not being his wife now.

Soon after our chat (we actually talked twice), he left the hospital and has virtually disappeared. His family (mum and sister especially) are extremely upset and worried and I have urged them to come on here to seek solace and comfort from others. I still have bad moments of course... and for those moments I get upset and worry and start wondering if he is dead in a ditch somewhere or lying in an alley cold and alone...He admitted to his mum who visited him in the hospital that he started to shoot heroin... and that made me sick as he can't stand needles at the best of times and would want to pass out. He MUST be somewhat far gone to even endure doing that crap... and the worry starts to set in

(if I let it).

But then... I pull myself back in and say "that is HIS choice... not mine. I have no control over him or anyone else. Just me. If AH wants to progress in his illness by not taking his bipolar medicine to regulate his brain chemistry to make proper decisions and does extreme drugs and disappears etc., THAT is HIS choice... always has been, always will be.

Because for me, it has always been that I "CanfixONLYme"

peace be to all of you tonight,

Gbless,