We all are on our OWN recovery journey...

Old 12-11-2011, 09:43 PM
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We all are on our OWN recovery journey...

I've been reading heart wrenching posts from several people, some great solid support (comfort) and some not so great...(putting that VERY mildly folks).

I've been thinking:

From what I've learned from 4 years of being with my soon to be ex-AH, and 15+ relapses is this: we as co-dependents will reach our "ENOUGH" stage when WE ARE INDIVIDUALLY READY... not when anyone else says we need to/or should. This goes for our family, friends and people who think they are helping on here by 'telling it like it is'...

It may take weeks, months (hell, years), but we all need to reach this point (if ever) in this lifetime ON OUR OWN. Just as our addicted loved ones must reach their 'end' on their own... so must we.

I went through these years venting, crying and trying to figure out ways to save my marriage, but most importantly, to save my AH from himself. In the process I started to lose who I was, and for a time, I wandered in the proverbial wilderness alone... and oh, so very depressed.

I came on here to post and then to read others postings of their own heartaches (and personal successes). I applauded those who were able to reach a stage where they were "OK" to do the 'impossible' but got there on their own recovery processes - not through others (manipulations/codependent controlling).

My AH has been gone from our home for almost a month and a half now. Last week he was in the psych ward of a hospital for five days and said to his mum (who is just in her own turmoil over him) that he did not want to live anymore if I was to not be in his life.

He and I spoke briefly on the phone (he called me) and I said that if he chose to go down that path, it was HIS choice, not mine... I would be sad, but it was ultimately him who would make the choice to live or to die. He started to cry (manipulation?) and said he really didn't want to die... that he wanted to get better etc., and then I wished him well and said perhaps we'd chat in a few months. I didn't promise him anything... just that I needed to take care of me right now. I never thought I would get to this place where I just 'dismissed' him over myself... and you know? I don't feel bad about it at all. I am starting to look after myself first and foremost and my wandering has finally come to an end...

My marriage to him was not all bad and I miss the man I made my 'forever' vows to... - I still have our wedding picture up (it was one of the happiest days of my life) and will never regret being his wife. But I am okay with not being his wife now.

Soon after our chat (we actually talked twice), he left the hospital and has virtually disappeared. His family (mum and sister especially) are extremely upset and worried and I have urged them to come on here to seek solace and comfort from others. I still have bad moments of course... and for those moments I get upset and worry and start wondering if he is dead in a ditch somewhere or lying in an alley cold and alone...He admitted to his mum who visited him in the hospital that he started to shoot heroin... and that made me sick as he can't stand needles at the best of times and would want to pass out. He MUST be somewhat far gone to even endure doing that crap... and the worry starts to set in

(if I let it).

But then... I pull myself back in and say "that is HIS choice... not mine. I have no control over him or anyone else. Just me. If AH wants to progress in his illness by not taking his bipolar medicine to regulate his brain chemistry to make proper decisions and does extreme drugs and disappears etc., THAT is HIS choice... always has been, always will be.

Because for me, it has always been that I "CanfixONLYme"

peace be to all of you tonight,

Gbless,
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Old 12-11-2011, 10:22 PM
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Wow.. thank you for this... I knew there was a reason I got on the boards tonight... I'm going to stop beating myself up because I still care and wonder and hope... I'll do the best I can today with detachment, and healing activities..working out etc...
I just 'dismissed' him over myself... and you know? I don't feel bad about it at all. I am starting to look after myself first and foremost and my wandering has finally come to an end... This is very powerful and heartfelt.. thank you for giving me hope and keeping the light shining on the path.
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Old 12-11-2011, 11:09 PM
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oneday, you will get to the peace you are seeking... one day (when you are ready).

I promise.

Don't beat yourself up for taking what may seem 2 steps backwards when you know you 'need' to go forward... it will all come in time for you. You care about your addicted loved one, you love him and it shows. Now, it's time to show that you love yourself as well. But again, it will come... that really strong part that is in all of us does come out when we least expect it will... when it all seems so impossible.

But keep posting, keep writing your feelings out. It's all good. You are in a very safe place here. Many are here to just listen and tell you their stories of sadness but also of recovery (for themselves).

As for those who attempt to put you in your place or give you 'tough love' - forgive them and try not to take what they say to heart. It's these individuals you need to feel sorry for because they are still stuck in a sad type of 'coddie' controlling behavior "If I can't fixed my A, I can try online with a virtual stranger!" - It's insane thinking and they too will find their own path of recovery on their own (without having to pat themselves on the back for putting someone in their place).

I wish you nothing but peace this evening... know that you are NOT alone... know that you will have ups and downs ahead, but that if you truly attempt to do right by yourself, your life will improve with or without your addicted loved one. I guarantee it.

Hugs!
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:09 AM
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Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme View Post
But then... I pull myself back in and say "that is HIS choice... not mine. I have no control over him or anyone else. Just me. If AH wants to progress in his illness by not taking his bipolar medicine to regulate his brain chemistry to make proper decisions and does extreme drugs and disappears etc., THAT is HIS choice... always has been, always will be.
Thanks for posting this...I have a son (27) who was recently hospitalized in a psych facility, and came home with medication and has (who knows if he is still) doing illegal drugs. I need to remember that I cannot force him to make the right decisions, whether he has all his mental capacities or not. If he becomes delusional, I still cannot make him take his medications...that I will leave up to the professionals.

Huggs..Hope
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Old 12-12-2011, 05:16 AM
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Canfix, I honor what you are saying, but for me it is a bit different. While I know and agree that only I can fix me, and only you can fix you, and so on.... I am totally grateful to the people who have told me "like it is". The reason I post my problems on these pages is to gain insight from others travels and maybe save myself more pain, and to get a different perspective on my situation. You know, the old "Can't see the forest for the trees" but a person who has been thru the forest can tell you a bit better about what kinda forest your dealing with.
Maybe there should be suggestion to the forums... that we post if we are just looking for shoulders or if we are looking for help and suggestions. (?)
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Old 12-12-2011, 06:09 AM
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Just a reminder, let's keep this discussion to the issues at hand and not to discuss others here or their methods of posting/recovery.

Any complaints can be directed to the mods for review by reporting any offending posts. Also, the "ignore" button can be used to avoid reading posts that may trigger the worst in us.

canfixONLYme, this sounds like a very sad and troubling time for you. I hope you find the support you need here and that your days ahead get better. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs
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Old 12-12-2011, 11:22 AM
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I for one have needed to learn another way and took the suggestions here because they were exactly what I heard from therapists, Naranon the cops and the addictions counsellor at my AS's detox. Doing things differently had to be done quickly for me. I had to say No, or I would have put myself in danger and my husband. Maybe I wasn't ready to enforce these boundaries...but I did it anyway .....and thank God I did. Sometimes if we learn and do what others who have gone before us suggest...we can alleviate much pain for ourselves.

Also...I have heard that the suicide thing, though it is to be taken seriously, can also be used as a manipulation for the addict to get you back. He needs to talk to a therapist or a suicide hotline...not you. And you are right, if that is the chouce he wants to
make...that is up to him.

We can't save them but we can save ourselves.
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:50 PM
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I have in no way arrived at the place I am at today "ON MY OWN" I have had the counsel, support, advice, suggestions, insight, shoulders, a$$ kicks, reminders, experience, strength and hope of hundreds!! This is a WE program, not a "do it on your own" program.

Trying to control the voice of the WE, as in which is appropriate is a controlling behavior.

In sorting out my own grief and working through the processes there are areas which trigger shame, resentment and anger. RE: my sponsor told me I was in "love with a fantasy". What is important for me is to dig deep and see why someone else's comments resonate in such a strong way as to evoke anger and shame. There is a lesson to be had in our inter-connected-ness.

There's always the old "you spot it you got it" reference. Something in those posts is eating your lunch...and I bet if you dig deep you will find some fertile muck for a lotus to grow. Defensive sensibility usually signals defending something.
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Old 12-12-2011, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post

There's always the old "you spot it you got it" reference. Something in those posts is eating your lunch...and I bet if you dig deep you will find some fertile muck for a lotus to grow. Defensive sensibility usually signals defending something.
Words to live by. Thanks for this.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:05 PM
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Letting go does not imply ceasing to care.
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Old 12-12-2011, 03:44 PM
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Letting go is the greatest demonstration of love and respect that I've given to all my loved ones.
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Old 12-12-2011, 07:12 PM
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My recent posts on this forum about recovery and who has been supportive have been what has worked for me to eventually surface above the mire. I've had much negativity and judgmental opinions in my real life that burdened the weight on my already heavy consciousness.

For me, unless the person knows exactly what is going on in my head, knows exactly what I am walking through, then it is very unlikely they will know the exact remedy/solution for what will work in my recovery. I received 'tough love' from around 2-3 friends (who had never had any dealings with addiction in their lives) - who basically shut me out because they couldn't handle it and just couldn't understand why I would not leave my ex. They are now re-surfacing in my life (their choice) and have recently admitted that they felt helpless to my plight and had to step away because it scared them. I've had family members write me off because of my honesty about my life with my ex... that it also was 'too much' for them to listen to.

So I limited who I let in to my hellish vortex. I would never tell my stories just to bitch about it and do nothing. My brain was never stopping as to find a solution (yes, how to fix my addicted loved one) and most recently, how to fix (accept) myself. So at the beginning of this year, I came onto this forum because I didn't have anywhere else to turn to.

I can see from above that others welcome all forms of input and help and I shouldn't knock that, especially if it keeps them coming back to this forum and gets them stronger in their own personal lives/journey.

The tough love that I see to be extreme here may be just the right thing for somebody else and it's not for me to judge that... especially if the recipient welcomes it. And for me to judge the seasoned posters on here who issue their advice and tell it like it is --- was not fair. I apologize. You are trying to help in your way and though it would not help me in my life, it seems as though it has helped many others.

I am in a very strange (but good!) stage of my recovery at this time... - fatigue (yes), anger (hell yes), hopefulness (yes yes yes) and excitement for the future (yes!). All of these combined can make for some pretty grueling feelings to come to the surface -- and project onto others... (chagrin).

Hoping everyone has a peaceful evening...

Gbless...
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Old 12-12-2011, 07:27 PM
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I have to agree that the best advice I have gotten on here has been that advice that could be construed as tough love. However, if the same advice was given to me a year ago I would have been pissed and told that person where they could stick their advice! I wasn't ready to hear it before... Now I am. Ive come to a point that I know my love cannot save my ALO, no matter how much i want it to. Someone on here said that true unconditional love is doing what's best for our loved ones, not what feels good to us. Someone else kindly reminded me that my helping was part of the problem. These are things I HAD to hear, even if I didn't want to hear them. And when I'm feeling sorry for myself I go back to those posts for strength. I am deeply thankful for the tough love I've received on this board.
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Old 12-13-2011, 02:17 AM
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i have really enjoyed reading through these posts - it seemed at first there were two sides but as i read through i saw a continual stream of recovery - like a brook flowing - then being split by an obstruction but coming back together on the other side even stronger than before - we are all individuals and our journey has its own milestones but the similarities are undeniable and the things that eventually make a difference to our addicted loved one or to ourselves are the same basic things - when we know better we do better - thank you for everyone's heartfelt candor -
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Old 12-13-2011, 03:15 AM
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good for you.! no kidding it's a hard place to get to, but it feels so empowering one day at a time. I'm still learning to set boundaries, and every times it works, I'm amazed that it REALLY works.

best wishes to you
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Old 12-13-2011, 03:22 AM
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Originally Posted by kiki5711 View Post
good for you.! no kidding it's a hard place to get to, but it feels so empowering one day at a time. I'm still learning to set boundaries, and every times it works, I'm amazed that it REALLY works.

best wishes to you
Oh Yeah. You know for years I thought I had perfectly fine boundaries. Phfft. My boudaries were so blurred they looked like a water color painting out in the rain. .... Got's myself a nice little fence started now
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Old 12-13-2011, 04:51 AM
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Thank you so much for your inspiration. This is the toughest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I love my wife so much. I have been depressed. I have contemplated the unthinkable. I am now trying to take control of my life. I have spiraled downhill from all of this. The only way I can head now is up. She is out of control with these pills. I pray that she does not resort to using a needle. I need to stay on top of my recovery not hers. Thanks again.
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:26 AM
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When I first landed here, I was looking for ideas how to fix my daughter. I was convinced at the time I was different- my daughter was different- my story was different than all the others. I was beyond the tea and sympathy stage and fighting for my daughter's life.

I thought, to put it nicely, some of the posters confused me with my addict daughter cause they kept talking bout my recovery. And some were persistent and consistent in their " tell it like it is" responses to posts.

I read the stickies and thousands of back stories on all the forums and eventually, the proverbial ah-ha moment came, in a nick of time. I had tied my own emotional, physical and financial stability to my ability to fix and cure my daughter's addiction. My own ego was driving me insane. Accepting I was powerless over my daughter and her choices was the most humbling experience of my life.

Letting go of my fantasy that I controlled the outcome was like lifting the weight of the world off my back. Tough love for me means being tough with myself and taking responsibility for my reactions to people and things I do not control. Letting go most definitely does not mean ceasing to care. Peace.
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Old 12-13-2011, 11:14 AM
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Thank you everyone for being real. That is what we expect and deserve. The tough love is just that, truth is hard to hear sometimes and as someone else said, "take what you need and leave the rest"
I assure you that this site provides me a wealth of support, encouragement and hope for the future.
TT
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