Thanks, Leslie. He is definitely my addiction. Whether I want to kick him or coddle him, it's still this craving for contact. It infuriates me that he would disappear to use after getting this money without a thought of paying me back, but maybe my cunning addiction to him is just telling me I only want what he owes me financially, when really I just want to keep the cycle and the fantasy going--the fantasy that he can act healthy in a relationship, in this case that he will act like a responsible adult and repay his debts. You posted recently about your need to grieve the relationship, and I knew what you meant. I am definitely going through the stages of grief, and right now I am in ANGER.
I pray for strength for you, too. Four pages of nonsense from a crack-addled brain is just the sort of thing our codie addiction feeds on! I'm sure it's filled with a lot of manipulative stuff, whether he is blaming you or feeling remorse. I hope you can find a path to serenity despite that. You deserve a little peace.