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struggling with no contact

Old 12-06-2011, 07:25 AM
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struggling with no contact

Well, I had a bit of a relapse yesterday on my no-contact decision with my ABF. The truth is that this no-contact thing has been as much his decision as mine. A month ago, he just disappeared. I have since changed my phone number and deleted him from skype, so I guess it was sort of mutual, but the truth is that he really hasn't tried to contact me. I left one of my e-mails open, hoping he would want to pay me back eventually, and there's been no word. I think that he must have gotten the money he was expecting, because God knows that when he doesn't have money, I am one of the first people he contacts. Anyway, the curiosity and worry about what happened to him has been wearing on me, and then churning the situation around in my head, and thinking he must have money and hasn't paid me back, has been making me so angry. So a couple days ago I sent him a text asking him to please e-mail me and tell me what is going on with him. And then yesterday when I hadn't heard from him, I tried repeatedly to call. He didn't pick up. I know that he probably did me a huge favor by not picking up. Even if I never see the money he owes me, it will be worth it for my peace of mind. Looking back, I still can't believe that I ignored so many red flags and kept handing him more cash, even after I knew that he is a verbally abusive, manipulative, cocaine-addled liar. It's not even that I feel in love with him anymore or want him back, I think at this point I am more just angry and want to hold him accountable! But ugh, I know I have to let this go so that I can move on and find a better life for myself. Anyway, I just wanted to vent, and I guess to be reminded by all the supportive people here that no contact is the way to go.
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Old 12-06-2011, 08:45 AM
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our own unhealthy (how could it be anything but unhealthy) attachment to the addict has its own cunning, baffling & powerful (three words used in recovery to describe addiction) side. in the silence of no contact we experience the withdrawal of that other...the person...the addict...the object of our unhealthy (how could it be anything but unhealthy) affection. experiencing that withdrawal is painful. it is especially painful when our unexamined need/desire/love/attachment/interest/hopes/dreams seem to be from the heart and "innocent". we got burned in our attempt to be in relationship with an addict.
cunning...baffling...powerful...our ego, our torment, our withdrawal makes us want to reattach...pick up the phone, send the text, write the email.
the rat in the cage keeps tapping the lever for sugar over and over and over and over
we call, we text, we write.
we want healthy response, we want retribution, we want apology, we want, sometimes, to just be talked back into the unhealthy fantasy. it is easier than going the painful distance through the fire of withdrawal.
BUT!!!! eventually...if we work at it, get help, read about it, gain insight...the cunning and baffling and powerful urge to contact will melt away.
I pray for you.
I was fortunate, VERY fortunate, that my addict and I parted on financial balance. it was one way that I tried to assure myself that I wasn't enabling him throughout our time together. If I had been stolen from my resentment would be even greater and it would be even harder...I pray you find strength. Look for strength in others...

As I will. I just received a 4 page email today. I will admit that it is a "sugar lever" for me and I am not yet not a rat in a cage...I respond, viscerally.
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Old 12-06-2011, 09:40 AM
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Thanks, Leslie. He is definitely my addiction. Whether I want to kick him or coddle him, it's still this craving for contact. It infuriates me that he would disappear to use after getting this money without a thought of paying me back, but maybe my cunning addiction to him is just telling me I only want what he owes me financially, when really I just want to keep the cycle and the fantasy going--the fantasy that he can act healthy in a relationship, in this case that he will act like a responsible adult and repay his debts. You posted recently about your need to grieve the relationship, and I knew what you meant. I am definitely going through the stages of grief, and right now I am in ANGER. I pray for strength for you, too. Four pages of nonsense from a crack-addled brain is just the sort of thing our codie addiction feeds on! I'm sure it's filled with a lot of manipulative stuff, whether he is blaming you or feeling remorse. I hope you can find a path to serenity despite that. You deserve a little peace.
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Old 12-06-2011, 10:16 AM
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Thanks, Anvilhead. (I love your handle, btw.) I remember that you tried to tell me the same thing about needing to let go of the idea of the money as a debt a couple weeks ago, but I wasn't in a place where I was ready to hear it. I am going to have to think about how to get there. Haha, maybe I need to have a mock funeral for it, or bury it at sea--I could make a $12,000 bill out of construction paper and crayon.
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Old 12-06-2011, 10:19 AM
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12K would cause me to grieve a mighty long time but I'm tight with money. 12K would make me want to beat someone for sure. In all serious though, you are going to have to let that go. It will eat at you if you don't and you will be setting youself up for dissapointment looking for the check in the mail that never comes.
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Old 12-06-2011, 10:26 AM
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I know, it's outrageous that I was willing to hand that much over to him, and it's outrageous that he has convinced himself he doesn't need to pay it back, even though he always said he would. It has occurred to me to take him to small claims court, but I don't even have an address for him--I don't even know what country he's in at the moment. And anyway, as you all are saying, outrageous as it is, maybe it would be better just to let it go so that I can have some peace.
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Old 12-06-2011, 10:38 AM
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Definitely. My parents spend somewhere between 20 and 50K on my brother at different rehabs etc. She was about to mortgage her house to put him through another one. Im glad she snapped out of that. She now realizes it was a multi thousand dollar mistake that she doesnt need to keep making.
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:05 PM
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eyes...holding a "letting go ritual" for the money isn't such a bad idea...it's hard enough as a codie to let of the addict, let alone a big lump sum at the same time. If it was me I would need some serious processing with a sponsor and therapist.
maybe you could start a saving account for yourself...start putting away a little money...slowly "pay yourself back" for the money that you gave away to someone who manipulated you. maybe watching the account grow could help you detach from the debt. I don't know, somehow it feels like it could help...maybe it would just keep you attached.
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:06 PM
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eyes...holding a "letting go ritual" for the money isn't such a bad idea...it's hard enough as a codie to let of the addict, let alone a big lump sum at the same time. If it was me I would need some serious processing with a sponsor and therapist.
maybe you could start a saving account for yourself...start putting away a little money...slowly "pay yourself back" for the money that you gave away to someone who manipulated you. maybe watching the account grow could help you detach from the debt. I don't know, somehow it feels like it could help...maybe it would just keep you attached.
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:31 PM
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You are again, using the 12K as an opening to keep in contact with him, now this is your choice. However to me, this is a counterprotective action for you.

Go to your local library, check out every book you can on codependency, get a grip on your issues, your ego, is interfering with your common sense.

I want you to get healthy, however, I cannot do it for you, you must decide, what do you want out of life.....misery or happiness...the ball is in your court.

Support and hugs heading your way...Dolly
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Old 12-07-2011, 10:17 AM
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Thanks to all of your for your support--it is really helping me cope during this difficult time! Leslie, I like the idea of a letting go ritual, too! I think I just might do it. I started taking steps toward protecting my own financial well-being when I realized that the financial situation with my ABF was getting out of control--paid off my credit card debt and started saving. I think that the money is an easy thing to focus on, but what I'm also dealing with is feelings of abandonment and betrayal. I feel used. But I have been reading up on codependency! I realize that I started off as a rescuer, am in victim mode now, and would happily move into persecutor if he called me! I've got to get out of this cycle somehow. I know that the solution seems so obvious to others, but it's so hard when you're overwhelmed by such powerful emotions! I am going to keep trying to just keep it up, one minute at a time. I can't imagine at this point going back to him. I may still be wavering at moments, but I think I've managed to confront the reality of our relationship over the past month and be much more honest with myself about what was really going on vs. what I wished were happening. Anyway, peace and love to you all, and thanks again for the support!
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Old 12-08-2011, 12:37 AM
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Oh that is crappy, hard to just swallow that its gone, a great example of how an active addict has no compassion! Nothing they do shocks me anymore, but I still shack my head. I'm really sorry this happened to you!

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Old 12-10-2011, 02:53 PM
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Thanks, Rose. It IS hard to swallow. Not only losing the money, but his disappearance. We had been speaking on skype for a couple hours every night for several weeks before he disappeared. (He lived in the same town as me for the first year I knew him, but then moved back to the country where he was born and we had been doing a long-distance/visiting thing for the past year.) The last time I talked to him, he was in good spirits and said he was about to get the money he was expecting from his grandfather's estate and then would be coming to stay with me for a few months. And then he just disappeared. The worry is hard to handle. All sorts of questions run through my head: Did something awful happen to him? Is he even alive? I mean, I guess nothing should surprise me when it comes to an addict. I knew he was unpredictable. He is probably on a binge. But this unexplained disappearance is hard to handle. I guess I may never know, and I just have to accept that whatever happened to him, I'm lucky to be free. But it's a struggle and will take a while to accept. He said a lot of romantic things, telling me I was his life partner, talking about marriage. But as I am learning, talk is cheap.
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Old 12-10-2011, 03:18 PM
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What is your payoff? There is a reason that you don't go no contact...what is it?
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:11 PM
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That's a good question, Dolly. I mean, I haven't had any contact with him for over a month. He disappeared a little over a month ago, stopped answering his phone or calling me on skype. And then two weeks after he disappeared I felt fed up with him and changed my phone number and took him off my skype contacts, and sent him a text telling him what I'd done and that I needed some time to focus on myself. Since then, I've wavered a couple times and sent him a texts asking him to e-mail me and tell me what is going on with him, and I tried to call him a few times one afternoon, but there has been no reply from him. Most of the time I feel, reluctantly, that it's for the best that he's disappeared. But I guess a few different things keep me wondering and worrying, and occasionally breaking down and texting or calling. I sometimes hope to get some reassurance that he's alive and well. I sometimes wish he would repay me. I sometimes feel like I just want closure. And I guess there is still a piece of me that wishes for a miracle, that somehow he can turn his life around and we can be happy. Again, I know 90% of the time that we're better off apart, but I just have these moments of weakness where one of the above makes me reach out for contact. I'm trying to keep myself busy, to reach out and socialize, to focus on my work, to enjoy hobbies. I see a therapist every week and am trying to get some insight into why I chose this man who is so troubled and why I am having such a hard time letting go. But I still struggle. I guess there is no magical solution, I just have to be patient and hope that my serenity will grow in time. Meanwhile, venting on SR and getting lots of support as well as some good, constructive kicks in the pants have certainly helped.
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Old 12-12-2011, 10:17 PM
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When I get into the moods where I just have that need to talk to him, I get on the phone with my sister-in-law that went through this with her XAH a little over a year ago and she gives me the best advice. Trying not to think about him, for me, is damn near impossible (you know what's going on :]) but knowing that if he wanted to contact me then he could and if he wanted to he would have already. Think about that too. Yes, he could be doing a no contact with you as a mutual agreement, but at the same time if he wanted to get in touch he would. I know that sounds really harsh and I don't mean it to, but that's how she puts it for me almost every day. You are better off without him and eventually he will start to fade from your mind.

Just adding to the posts, you don't have to listen to me
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Old 12-13-2011, 03:49 PM
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Thanks, Gave, that really does help, I appreciate it. It's nice to hear from someone struggling with the same thing, and I appreciate your gentle way of giving advice. You're right, he could get in touch if he wanted and he hasn't. I have to remember that when I start having that feeling that I want to talk to him, or when I feel guilty about distancing myself. I have left him another text and another voicemail in the past few days, but it's becoming clear that he just doesn't want to talk to me. And at this point, I'm not even sure why I want to talk to him! I've been looking at my list of things I don't miss about him, and I feel pretty strongly that I don't want to get back together with him. It's like, I don't want him, but I want him to want me! I'm so glad that you are finding the strength to keep your distance from your ABF. You are an inspiration to me! I think you're right, the hurt will fade with time. It has been hard because most people in my life don't even know what's going on. Most of my friends are from work, and he was dating someone else where I work before he and I got together, and I didn't want to upset her by spreading it around that I was seeing him. So there aren't a lot of people I can talk to. So I really appreciate your support, and the support of others on this forum! Hugs to you!
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:39 PM
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Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives is an oldie but goodie book. You can order a used copy off Amazon, cheap.
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Old 12-13-2011, 09:54 PM
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My BF got clean, then started using a different DOC. He is, by always choosing to use over our relationship, pushing ME away. ME?! Who's been sooo good to him. Who loves him, etc etc etc

It's a hard blow to my ego.

He goes MIA on a regular basis, and I leave it go for a few days, then get to worrying about him and make contact. Invariably he's fine, having "alone" time as he calls it. Using.

Tonight, he snapped at me nastily. Telling me that everyone who is in his life HAS to deal with this behavior from him, the MIA thing.

And I thought "you're wrong, I DON'T have to deal with it, I have the option to leave"

I said good night. It may be good bye. I am in recovery, I know what addiction is like. I am not unsympathetic. but I don't need him treating me like crap.

he's told me in words and action that this is as good as it gets. There have been times for us that are SO much better than this, but he has a selective memory...otherwise how can he justify his behavior.

I am not going down with his ship
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Old 12-14-2011, 06:23 AM
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Threshold - good for you! You sound so strong and empowered. Although I am very much still getting used to it, I LOVE knowing I have options, always. One day I was feeling pretty down and sorry for myself because I'm the only one in my family not in denial and I was missing my ex (who left me and my dysfunction in the rearview) - then I found this fortune from a cookie at my work:

"Your power is in your ability to decide"

I signed a lease for my own place away from my RA and dysfunctional fam that day. It is hard to remember sometimes that we are only trapped because we are in a cage of our own decisions, and it just takes one different choice to unlock the door - I like to reread this entry when I feel trapped or hopeless:

Scared? Stuck? Hey Fear, Back Off
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