i know that what he thinks of me ultimately doesn't really reflect my truth.
however, in reference to having a very long and full of care relationship with him, i am still searching for the truth of our connection and relationship.
as in, am i the person to leave because he has "nothing for me" (as he stated) or am i someone he can just obliterate all memory of so quickly? it's so confusing. on one hand--im someone he loves & enjoys, and the other hand--im someone he doesn't want in his life.
i don't want to pick one in fear that i'd be upholding some fantasy-filled delusion i have [that there was true love between us]; but i cant seem to accept "both are true" because i don't believe i'm someone dispensible; and i can't accept "neither are true" because i lived YEARS with him in my life--and i wouldn't feel comfortable saying that those years meant nothing and were based on non-love.
now that i've been by myself for a while and getting my life together and meeting new people; i've realized more and more how i cant "erase" the "US" that did happen--because whatever we did have together was naturally (i.e. not forced) full of love.
this is the circle that my mind can't reconcile, which it has been trying to for quite some time now.