Displace & Replace

Old 12-04-2011, 04:33 PM
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Displace & Replace

Hello All, I've been a lurker for about a year now and have found your stories to be so helpful and inspiring.

My own story with my alcoholic is barely existent as I've now moved to a different state. When I first moved here--we were in a "good" spot and he even visited me. We left on "good" terms--there was spontaneous kissing & promises to visit again. However, the highs were quickly replaced as reality set in that i have moved on to a different state, getting my life to be on the track i want... and he IS still an active alcoholic, stuck in the spiraling down into a self-destructed life.

He pushed me away, in a drunken haze, stating "I have nothing to offer you. You're too good for me. I'm going to become nothing." This mentality changed our "good" and months of passive-aggressively pushing me away followed. Now, it's been about a month and a half since he initiated a call (and i stopped initiating them because i was tired of being made to be the one "desperate" to still be talking to each other).

I hear that he's been racking up even more credit card bills due to drinking; has been HIGHLY recommended to go to a rehab program from his therapist, which he ignored; & has attached himself to two other male drinkers that go out with him every night. I recently found out that he was flirting with other girls during these "nights out", which I guess is "his right" since we aren't even together... but, it still causes me anxiety.

In a way, I don't know why I get so anxious hearing this. It IS very classic alcoholic (delusion, escaping, etc). Also, I shouldn't even care considering if HE knew what I'd been up to (dating-wise), he'd have a lot more to be pissed off about. BUT... it BOTHERS ME... IT BOTHERS ME A LOT that he's out there looking for/at other girls, considering he's pushed me away with the "i can't be in a relationship" & "you're too good for me" ****.

I hate that we didn't really end (last convo) on a bad note, in fact--it was a good & caring conversation... but he just stopped initiating calls and has basically been trying to obliterate the existence of ME in his head. Hearing what he's been up to makes me want to initiate some sort of contact, but I won't. I just want my anxiety to stop... I want to reconcile having to accept that, in his head, I was dispensable (and now, apparently replaceable by the next girl he can find during his drunken haze at a bar)
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:42 PM
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Sorry that you are in turmoil, he is just doing what addicts do. If you stop checking on him and his activities you might find some peace.

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:49 PM
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What he is doing is no reflection on you. He is just an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. In his alcohol soaked mind, he needs to be with someone who won't interfere with his drinking...someone who will drink with him, or at least not hassle him about it.

You deserve better. The longer you keep up with what is going on with him, the longer you are going to feel this way. If you want peace, you will have to accept that it is what it is, and then put a stop to any contact with him. That includes hearing about what's going on with him from others. In this case, what you don't know can't hurt you.
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Old 12-04-2011, 04:55 PM
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What helped me work through not just a relationship with someone who struggled with drinking but an affair was Al-anon. It really, really helped me in many areas of my life...and though the focus of it is about helping people who have friends and families that struggle with alcohol, the skills I learned I have taken into many areas of my life.
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Old 12-04-2011, 05:33 PM
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once in a . . .
 
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What helped me when I was in a similar situation years + years ago was to KEEP VENTING - be it here, in a journal, to friends - any willing + non-judgemental ear I could find. I had to make it ok to finally LET IT ALL OUT. That and my mantra became "It's NOT my fault. I AM a good person." Over + over + over + over again until I began to BELIEVE it.

Be gentle with yourself and be good to yourself. You deserve it!
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Old 12-04-2011, 07:26 PM
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i know that what he thinks of me ultimately doesn't really reflect my truth.

however, in reference to having a very long and full of care relationship with him, i am still searching for the truth of our connection and relationship.

as in, am i the person to leave because he has "nothing for me" (as he stated) or am i someone he can just obliterate all memory of so quickly? it's so confusing. on one hand--im someone he loves & enjoys, and the other hand--im someone he doesn't want in his life.

i don't want to pick one in fear that i'd be upholding some fantasy-filled delusion i have [that there was true love between us]; but i cant seem to accept "both are true" because i don't believe i'm someone dispensible; and i can't accept "neither are true" because i lived YEARS with him in my life--and i wouldn't feel comfortable saying that those years meant nothing and were based on non-love.

now that i've been by myself for a while and getting my life together and meeting new people; i've realized more and more how i cant "erase" the "US" that did happen--because whatever we did have together was naturally (i.e. not forced) full of love.

this is the circle that my mind can't reconcile, which it has been trying to for quite some time now.
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Old 12-04-2011, 09:12 PM
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Yes, the rack up credit card bills...Mine still does. That's why my accountant
told me I better protect myself. It's like giving a 2 year a dollar and telling
him not to go buy candy...

The girl stuff...Remember, they cant even take care of themselves, let alone a dog!

Listen in your heart & head and go back and read what suki44883 & dollydo wrote...
Read it over and over...They wrote it perfectly. It's hard to grasp the concept of what
they wrote, but once you get it, you wont continue to hurt yourself!


Keep on reading and posting...Your not alone! We have all been there!
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