FML...You are lucky you can come here and share...I wish I had known about places like this when I was struggling so god-awefully bad. I felt alone and like I was the only one in the world that had issues with anything and felt trapped in my own skin.
I used to throw up alot, too. I had control over it. It was something I could do and no one made that decision for me. It was sort of OCD because I controlled how and when. Same with drinking.
When I was off the sauce for any short period of time (usually regaining my strength for the next drinkfest) I would almost have panic attacks. One time, during the afternoon I thought I was going to climb out of my skin and drove myself up town to the doctor. I wasn't completely honest with them but did say I had drank some the night before. Drank some...HA! That's an understatement. They gave me Bu-Spar (anxiety meds) to cool my heels and sent me on my way. Well, that worked for a time -it took the edge off my anxiety but the only thing I found to work and eliminate all my anxiety and other feelings of nervousness, etc -was to quit drinking.
If you drink again you're feelings of anxiety will only heighten. Best to come to terms with the problem, take the bull by the horns and just quit now.