So why then...do I feel guilty for it? Not that I'm changing my mind, I'm not. Just not sure where the guilt comes from. Like I'm being a horrible person for making him go.
Girl don't get me started about Guilt. You feel guilty for it because that is how he and his disease WANT you to feel. It is part and parcel of this disease and guilt is a VERY strong type of Manipulation. IMO, it doesn't really matter where the guilt comes from, just know that it is coming from OUTSIDE of you and you can defeat it. You NEED to defeat it!
You don't even need to ask why, all you need to do is start stomping it out. What worked for me was I started calling myself on it. Every time I felt it, every time I acted on it, every time I spoke a word of guilt, I called myself out. I had to tell myself, "Stop!" When I'd feel it, I'd start singing some stupid little song I'd make up as I went. You can start by saying things like, "Not my problem" or "Not my fault" or whatever fits the situation and just keep repeating it until the guilty feelings go away. It's like I had to go from one extreme to the next, from guilt to almost apathy, in order to find a happy medium. Now, I trust my ability to turn my head away when it is appropriate.
Some would have you believe it is YOUR responsibility to stay with this man until death do you part. But what would they say if it was YOUR death he was causing? Because that is what I believe sticking closely with the alcoholics and addicts in our lives does, it kills us, slowly but surely. There are no "shoulds." Get out and save yourself before he takes you down yet again but this time beyond the point of no return. Hope I don't sound too doom-and-gloomy.