My heart goes out to you blueginger. I had a real bottom event, and I still was not able to get it. I would string together a few days and then a few bottles. This cycle went on for a month or so, then I made the 'decision'. I believe that 'decision' is the 'psychic change', 'spiritual awakening', 'aha moment', that many of us describe regardless of treatment program. The moment where everything is the same, and yet everything is different. A shift in perception where the 'something it is like' to be me was subtly different.
For me, the phrase 'rigorous honesty' triggered a realization of the impossibility of lying and being who I really wanted to be. If knew that if I knew, then someone else knew, or God or the universe knew, or maybe my knowing would always affect my next though or action. Whatever the truth is, the deception is always incomplete and unsatisfactory.
The above probably does not make much sense, it does not have to, it is not a logical or intellectual thing it is a 'knowing' thing. Once you 'know' something reason becomes an aesthetic. I hope you find your moment of knowing blueginger.