Hi Seared,
I totally relate to your comment! I used to do the same exact thing! I would go out and not drink all weekend and then reward myself for not drinking. I felt I deserved it! I get it...I really do.
Until one night, I drank myself into a black out while I was "rewarding" myself and got a DUI (OVI) and ended up in jail in a jumpsuit and handcuffs. After $15,000 of attorney fees, a year of probation, a year without a drivers license etc. I decided to stay sober and haven't had a single drop since my DUI and it's been 3 & 1/2 years! It's so much better not drinking but I have to admit I DON'T GO TO BARS ANYMORE OR OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO DRINK. I can't do it. It's too tempting and risk losing too much.
Try to hang with a different crowd if you can. Try to at least get some time under your belt before you go out with the drinking crowd. It's very dangerous. Only you know if you are "done" drinking.
Good luck. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up!