Originally Posted by
karrie1207 
I am learning a lot and really gaining insight as to why I am pre programmed in a sense to gravitate to certain ppl.
In looking back to my actions I am stuck with all of this hurt and resentment towards myself and my AH. I can't help but to feel that marrying him was a mistake I made under the influence of codependency. If I knew then what I know now I never would of married him! My gut says to get out of this marriage that it will never work, but then my head says now that you know better you can do better and that I should give him another chance because it's the "right thing to do" because we are married.
I am really angry right now at my marriage, at the drinking at how I let someone else treat me. I had no shield built up and let a lot of things happen that I don't really think are an acceptable way to treat people, but justified it when it was happening to me.
However if I did not have this relationship I would not have gotten recovery, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I would have been presented with another situation that I created to get my perspective on track (or my head screwed on straight).
I heard a good learning the other day
Stress = A situation + Our reaction to it. I am kind of looking at this time in my life as a way to learn how to modify what I can on the right hand side of the equation.
It is exhausting juggling the old stuff (childhood) and the new stuff (relationship) at once. Asking for feedback about it from my family, loved ones and therapist has been really helpful and normalizing for me. I think you are doing great.