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Why didn't I see the problem?

Old 11-20-2011, 05:59 AM
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Why didn't I see the problem?

A little update for those of you who may know my story. AH has been clean now for almost 3 months. I am still very torn as to whether I want to still be married to him or not. I am trying to work very hard on cleaning up my side of the street. I am trying to forgive AH at this stage of our therapy. So the therapist said make a list of all the ways AH has hurt you. . . get it all out, every little detail and then rip it up, burn it, what ever makes you feel better.

So I started this list! I started back 6 years ago of all the times I saw drugs come up and caused a problem in our relationship. I started to write down instances from when we were dating!

- found a bottle of pills in his apartments that were not prescribed to him

-confronted him, believed and accepted his answer of they were just there when ever he had a back ache from work and they were nothing to worry about

-surprised him in lingerie at his apartment when he got home from work only for him to show up high and unable "to perform"

- And the one that really takes the cake is our first Christmas together we had been dating for about a month and a half. I spent the day at my parents and then went to his house that evening. His parents were there so it was going to be my first time meeting his parents, brother and sister. I get there all dressed in my cute holiday outfit. I walk in and his parents are sitting on his couch. The place is filled with smoke because they smoke cig.s and they don't even stand up to say hello. Everyone was high including my AH (boyfriend at the time) It was so awkward like nothing I have ever seen before. AH and I exchanged gifts while everyone was looking at us in there stoned out gaze. Then after watching tv for a bit AH wanted to take a nap. It was the worst Christmas of my life.

As I started to make this list and listed all of these things from our dating time I was horrified. I was so blind. Why did I allow myself to get involved with someone like this? Why after all of these things would I continue to date him?

This makes me so depressed and makes me really question who I am? I am an idiot for being apart of this! I obviously have issues to of stay in a relationship like this! Why didn't I see it?

We dated for almost a year before we got married. I haven't even started listing anything else I was so sad after just remembering and bringing these things up. I am having a problem forgiving MYSELF for this. I married this man and had a child with him!!!! What was I thinking!! I find myself not trusting myself, not wanting to open myself up to AH even though he has been clean because I feel I don't make good decisions when it comes to him. Well obviously!! I don't want to add anymore things to my list! I won't let this happen anymore!

Forgiveness is a hard thing especially when it comes to yourself and your spouse. I am struggling. How do you forgive yourself and your spouse? The two ppl closes to you that have abused you so bad over and over!

Some ppl say you have to forgive the person because they didn't know what they were doing at the time. So you forgive but then don't put yourself back in that position again. Is that forgiveness? The pastor says we should always forgive?

How do you forgive yourself and others?
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Old 11-20-2011, 06:40 AM
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Karrie1207-

I can read in your letter all the discomfort and pain you are in. It is a tough place that you are in. For me it has gotten better and sometimes I think we have to go through really hard things for real growth. That does not make what you are experiencing any easier.

I too am shocked at what I allowed into my life. I am really angry right now that while dealing with the fallout of my divorce from a loved one with alcohol problems I am also really dealing with my own childhood issues that in many ways influenced my choices to later get into a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction.

I have not done this type of therapy, but what has helped me is something called IMAGO therapy. The idea alone is soothing to me. Essentially it states that we choose to get into intimate relationships with people who help us heal our childhood wounds. Though I am no longer with my exH, I do think that I am starting to heal not only from that experience but with the codie stuff that was in place way before meeting him. This idea has helped me to be easier on myself about getting into the relationship. Essentially I did what I knew and what was comfortable to me at the time. Al-anon, counseling etc are allowing me to create new pathways that have so much more to offer me.

That was kind of all over the place but I hope it helps. Knowing that my only job in all this was to heal myself really helped too.
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:55 AM
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I don't have long to write so just a couple of things to consider...
there are many spiritual principles which strongly suggest staying in the present, what has happened is something you cannot change...have the wisdom to know that. there is the saying in AA recovery "we did not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" may seem odd but really our past is our life, it is our path, it is where all of our lessons lead us to, and now you are HERE and NOW.

It sounds as though you are awakening to your spirit and your strength. you do not have to beat yourself up for not being here before, it has taken what has happened for you to get here, and as they say..."you are right where you need to be"

whether you were just simply and completely naive or whether you have issues that are hidden and are illustrated in your choices...either way you have clarity now in what you do not want. that clarity, the falling away of denial or "not knowing" can be very powerful. as you move forward be gentle with your decisions about life. No one can make decisions for you but you can keep reaching out, get a sponsor, use your therapist etc. you need to hear yourself speak, read what you write as time goes forward.

Also I find it very hard to accept advice from those who are not very aware of addiction. it seems to me that crack/meth/heroin etc have their own deep insanity that others just simply cannot understand. it is way too baffling, I even find sometimes that al anon seems too soft for me.

I did a deep codependent retreat with intensive therapy/counseling for a week and it was amazing. very revealing. I discovered that in a family of nine, with disdain and neglect from my mother, I sought my love where nobody else would...in my rageful father...everyone else was afraid of him but I had a way to "tame" his rage and get up next to his heart...SO??? guess what I have discovered? that turned into a pattern of choosing dangerous men that no one else would consider...20 year relapsing crack addict with bi polar? not only did I not really understand the insanity of the addiction but I thought I could be the one to "tame" it and by navigating the dangerous waters get up next to that beautiful heart.

read your life like the beautiful rich textured revealing story that it is, and take it toward the future with joy and fulfillment.
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Old 11-21-2011, 08:42 AM
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I haven't gotten to a place of forgiving myself for the things I let go on yet, so I have no advice for that. BUT there is one thing I can do and so can you, take control of your own life. I'm focused on what I need and what the kids need, even if it's hard, I just keep going forward. When I feel like doing something is too hard...I think of the things AH did to me and I remember I am not at fault and I need to stop always putting his needs first.
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Old 11-21-2011, 09:00 AM
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Karrie,

Don't beat yourself up. You are not alone. I have been there doing that. I was old enough to know better too. Learn from it, that is what I'm trying to do. Forgive yourself, that is what I'm trying to do! FYI, my AH was high on wedding night! I tell you this to let you know there are many folks on this forum who have been blind too. You are going to have to start by forgiving yourself.
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Old 11-23-2011, 12:06 PM
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Life recovery I to have heard of Imago therapy and I am thinking about switching to a therapist who specializes in it. My father is an alcoholic! I am now starting to realize just how greatly growing up around him and my codie mom has affected my life. I am learning a lot and really gaining insight as to why I am pre programmed in a sense to gravitate to certain ppl.

In looking back to my actions I am stuck with all of this hurt and resentment towards myself and my AH. I can't help but to feel that marrying him was a mistake I made under the influence of codependency. If I knew then what I know now I never would of married him! My gut says to get out of this marriage that it will never work, but then my head says now that you know better you can do better and that I should give him another chance because it's the "right thing to do" because we are married.

I am so tired of talking about my AH and all his problems and whether or not he is using! Anyone else feel this way? When I talk to my family or friends they always ask how AH is doing . . . what about me? Am I not affected by this too?

It's like our world revolves around going to meetings and talking about whether he is using or wanting to use or if he is dealing with his feeling uuugggg for heaven’s sake how many times are we going to go over this!! I'm so sick of hearing about his problem! LOL

I just want to run far far away from him so that I don't have to think about it ever again! Anyone else feel this way or am I just a little crazy?
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:27 PM
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Nope...doesn't sound crazy to me! Actually...it sounds very normal and healthy that you would want to separate yourself from the situation. My AH moved out just a few weeks ago. I'm sad, I'm lonely and I do wonder a lot about what he's doing and if the things he says are true, BUT life is easier. Before his trip to rehab my life was about accommodating him so he could do anything he wanted. After he got back from rehab...my life was about accommodating him as he tried to learn how to be a sober person. Now...life is about me and my kids...and you know what...we are a heck of a lot less work and worry.
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Old 11-23-2011, 02:59 PM
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it's two weeks since I found out AXBF was using again and lying about it, I had him move out. There are bubbles of sadness that come up...I mean I was happy as a single woman before I met him 2 years ago, but the charm, the romance, the partnership (for what it was worth) the playmate, the physicality...all up in smoke with the relapsing crack addiction.

who wants to be single and start all over??? well, I have to admit that aside from the annoyance of knowing that I am going to miss a lot about him, and that my grief of loss will bubble up...because I did love him, aside from the obvious break up grief there is an overwhelming sense of letting go, and peace, and freedom,

as Florence sings...it's hard to dance with the devil on your back...so shake it off
just letting some folks out there know that letting go has a majority percentage of relief and freedom rather than just grief. at first I was afraid to admit this because it felt like it would be saying I didn't really ever love him. not true. we give it our all until we realize we are done.
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:01 PM
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I think a lot of my freedom comes from hearing the ES&H of recovering addicts here...they seem to make it pretty clear that recovery is a choice. therefor to not recover is a choice and since that has been his choice I do not want to live in that world anymore.

"good bye is too strong a word babe, so I'll just say fare thee well" (Dylan)
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Old 11-23-2011, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by karrie1207 View Post
I am learning a lot and really gaining insight as to why I am pre programmed in a sense to gravitate to certain ppl.

In looking back to my actions I am stuck with all of this hurt and resentment towards myself and my AH. I can't help but to feel that marrying him was a mistake I made under the influence of codependency. If I knew then what I know now I never would of married him! My gut says to get out of this marriage that it will never work, but then my head says now that you know better you can do better and that I should give him another chance because it's the "right thing to do" because we are married.

I am really angry right now at my marriage, at the drinking at how I let someone else treat me. I had no shield built up and let a lot of things happen that I don't really think are an acceptable way to treat people, but justified it when it was happening to me.

However if I did not have this relationship I would not have gotten recovery, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I would have been presented with another situation that I created to get my perspective on track (or my head screwed on straight).

I heard a good learning the other day

Stress = A situation + Our reaction to it. I am kind of looking at this time in my life as a way to learn how to modify what I can on the right hand side of the equation.

It is exhausting juggling the old stuff (childhood) and the new stuff (relationship) at once. Asking for feedback about it from my family, loved ones and therapist has been really helpful and normalizing for me. I think you are doing great.
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