Hi breakingglass,
sorry you're going through this.
I joined this forum in 2004. and for the next 6 years I'd post occasionally when things got very bad, I'd stick around for awhile, and than I'd be gone for the long time, since it wasn't me who had a problem, and I wasn't religious ( and didn't see how can God/HP do anything about what I'm dealing with).
It took me years to realize it is indeed me who has the problem, as I was the one staying in marriage that wasn't working, in life that was nothing than misery and agony. Yes it was all because of this drinking, but that was his problem, mine was that I let it affect my own life.
I also realized it was my own defensivness that was making it impossible for me to get out of the situation. I guess, I felt that if I let go of that I'll have nothing left, it was my protective shield, it never occured to me that it was the very thing that was hurting me the most. You see it was all about me.
On the subject of spirituality, that was hard one for me too, but once I started letting down my defences I found way to my own spirituality too. I too, as Mike, believe in universe, life, that there are forces stronger than ourselves we know nothing of. I aslo believe in myself, as part of that universe. In that sense I can almost say I'm the part of God and the God is part of me. It doesn't matter which terminology we use, it is just about admitting I'm not the one that has control over everything, and finding peace and comfort with that thought. I believe the more I'm in touch with my true self the more I'm in touch with universe/life/God. It takes honesty, loving yourself and giving yourself a break to get there.
I'm sorry but it seems to be you're being too hard on yourself, you're finding it hard to forgive yourself you're ended up in this situation. You're only human, we all make mistakes, but we can learn from them. It doesn't matter what we did, but what are we going to do.
I wish you well
HUGS