Originally Posted by
lillamy 
You asked what issues followed someone else after they left their AH.
I can tell you what issues are following me. Not implying they're following everyone.
- After I left (no meat cleaver here, "just" a knife), every time I heard his voice, got an e-mail from him, saw him on the street, or even saw his name on a piece of paper, I had flashbacks to that night and anxiety attacks.
- I have trust issues and self-esteem issues. I've met a wonderful man who is incredibly nice, observant, sensitive, and loving, and faithful to a fault. And who has had a beer twice in the year we've been dating, and once a glass of champagne. I still ask myself "What does he see in me? What does he want from me? Is he just trying to get me to support him? Is he just waiting for me to give him access to my bank accounts? How do I know that he's not going to prove to be a mentally ill alcoholic?"
- I expect my new man to react like AH in many situations, even though they're nothing alike.
- 18 months after leaving AH, I still have nightmares about him almost every night.
- I tend to isolate myself from other people and avoid getting close to people because I don't trust them.
- I have a hard time drawing and keeping boundaries. I have a hard time saying "No" to people. I absorb whatever feeling is dominating a room -- I can't let someone else just be angry without feeling that maybe it's my fault and maybe it's my responsibility to fix it. Or sad.
- I'm terrified of conflict and I have a hard time sticking to my opinion and sticking up for myself.
Those are just some of the things that marriage left me with. None of those things were issues for me prior to that marriage.
I completely understand the resistance to going to Al-Anon. For me, it wasn't about religion (I never thought Al-Anon was religious); for me it was that I resented being told that there was something wrong with ME when he was the one with the drinking problem.
My going to Al-Anon did absolutely zilch for his drinking problem. But it helped me grow stronger, and is still helping me deal with those issues step by step. The improvement I've seen is huge, I've made tremendous strides, but I'm not done or recovered.
I tend to see Al-Anon more in the tradition of Native culture than anything else: The way I see it, it's really about the healing properties of stories and storytelling. I've healed from seeing my own situation retold in other people's stories. I've realized I'm not alone. I've realized people have dealt with situations so similar to mine they're almost interchangeable, and that has given me hope and strength.
I hope you give it a chance. 
thank you for sharing that. and i think after reading all of the posts on this thread i just might do that. its true that i do not suffer from many of the things you talk about here. i can almost predict what i will be like once i'm gone... i will be happy and content. i will not fear memories of him nor will i shut people out or have nightmares. i will, however, feel guilty for leaving him alone. i will feel responsible should something bad happen to him.... not because he put those feelings there but because that is who I am as a person. i've been picking up the guilt from family members my entire life. my sister moved away and is happy and doesn't think anything of leaving behind her family....but i can not do that..... i can't leave my mother because i am the one she depends on. so i am stuck here whether i want to be or not. i guess my past did in deed dictate my future because i am stuck with my AH and leaving would be like leaving my mother behind to fend for herself. when my sister was going through a very difficult time, i took on that guilt too and let her move in with us. it was hard but i HAD to do it. i'm always "having" to do something to make everything all better. i wish i didn't feel sorry for people so much. this is my biggest fear leaving him. if i see him on the street, etc, i will not have flashbacks and be fearful, i will sink with the weight of guilt that i will be feeling.....
now, i am trying to find a meeting in my area via this website but it takes me all over creation and i end up everywhere but alanon..... what is the best way to find a meeting????