Originally Posted by justme2
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I have a question. How would you feel if someone pushed you in a corner to stop drinking, when you didn't want to? am I doing the wrong thing with hubs? ok that was two questions. I really need some input on this issue. A friend of mine she keeps saying why should he have to stop when he doesn't want to, so I've been explaining the situation, she's in denial I have a problem, but I think she's getting the picture the more I talk about things. She also pointed out that IF he does stop he'll probably be real resentful, and you know what, I don't care, because that's how I've been feeling about this.
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Love.....Denise
Denise, I've been somewhat where you are - my partner was the bigger drinker and I initially thought that her drinking was the big problem - I just had this teeny problem with grass (and huge consequences from the past...).
I started my recovery path in Alanon, and they told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't change my partner - and particularly not my partner's drinking. Powerlessness over alcohol definitely included being powerless over my partner's drinking.
What I did attempt to do was to withdraw from that particular debate and focus on myself. I was still acutely aware of my partner's drinking and the current consequences of that drinking (emotional distance, unreliability, cold anger), but I tried not to say ***anything*** to her about it. I did make it clear that I no longer was willing to include the liquor store in my errands, to push that responsibility completely back on her - but otherwise I just ignored it and went to meetings.
This really basic level of detachment really didn't change anything, but it helped me get the space to peel back a layer of codependence and focus on my own problems. When I realized how much of a problem my drinking and drugging were (as the source of most of my old consequences, plus my current inability to get to work on time, plus some obvious interruptions in focus on my recovery) and decided to go to AA, that's when things really began to change.
About a month after I got to AA (which was a bit over 2 months clean), I answered a question about my partner's drinking with "that's not my responsibility". It almost sounded like detachment! And about the same time, it really wasn't my responsibility any more because my partner stopped drinking. Now that doesn't happen for everyone, but it does happen more than occasionally - I talked to someone after a meeting last night and learned that his wife sobered up after he did. Also, if you remember Music's story his wife was sober almost a year via AA and he finally got the idea that he should stop.
One thing that I hear more than a few times in the rooms (both AA and Alanon) is the oxygen mask metaphor. When the oxygen masks come out in an airplane, you put your mask on before helping your child. If you don't save your own butt, you can't help anyone.
To get back to your question the way you asked it, even if he does stop because you beg/nudge/push/cajole/kvetch/gripe him to stop he'll probably be resentful and relapse wouldn't be a big surprise. We have to do this for ourselves.
That's my experience - I hope you get some strength and hope out of it.
James