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Old 09-06-2004, 05:41 AM
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Smile Thank You

Stopping in here to give you all a heart felt thank you. So many jumped in to help me when I was...well you know.

I'm breathing again, I feel a lot better. I'm paying more attention now, I see what is happening to me, my thinking, my body SCREAMING out to STOP. It still amazes me how this thing distorts our thinking.

Yep Jon...time out... today I'm doing something about my sobriety, and will keep at it, like all of you are, as frustrating as it gets. I need to be like Moot....HATE the booze, really hate it, because it HATES us.

I also got the cursed notion out of my head (still looks suspicious haha).

Boop (Betty) I've talked to hubs over and over and over, told him to live somewhere else. Prob is I'm not a real aggressive person, time to learn eh? I think I am, but when I think of it, nope. I just need to learn to ignore his drinking, wish he'd stop so bad.

I have a question. How would you feel if someone pushed you in a corner to stop drinking, when you didn't want to? am I doing the wrong thing with hubs? ok that was two questions. I really need some input on this issue. A friend of mine she keeps saying why should he have to stop when he doesn't want to, so I've been explaining the situation, she's in denial I have a problem, but I think she's getting the picture the more I talk about things. She also pointed out that IF he does stop he'll probably be real resentful, and you know what, I don't care, because that's how I've been feeling about this.

If you have any thoughts on this, I'd really like to hear what you have to say.

Thanks again everyone, smiling here, big smile, my thinking is getting back in good form again, phewwwwy, to that other person, I have no clue who she is, and I don't like her at all.

I hope you're all doing good, hope life is being kind to you all.
Love.....Denise
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Old 09-06-2004, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by justme2
....
I have a question. How would you feel if someone pushed you in a corner to stop drinking, when you didn't want to? am I doing the wrong thing with hubs? ok that was two questions. I really need some input on this issue. A friend of mine she keeps saying why should he have to stop when he doesn't want to, so I've been explaining the situation, she's in denial I have a problem, but I think she's getting the picture the more I talk about things. She also pointed out that IF he does stop he'll probably be real resentful, and you know what, I don't care, because that's how I've been feeling about this.
....
Love.....Denise
Denise, I've been somewhat where you are - my partner was the bigger drinker and I initially thought that her drinking was the big problem - I just had this teeny problem with grass (and huge consequences from the past...).

I started my recovery path in Alanon, and they told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't change my partner - and particularly not my partner's drinking. Powerlessness over alcohol definitely included being powerless over my partner's drinking.

What I did attempt to do was to withdraw from that particular debate and focus on myself. I was still acutely aware of my partner's drinking and the current consequences of that drinking (emotional distance, unreliability, cold anger), but I tried not to say ***anything*** to her about it. I did make it clear that I no longer was willing to include the liquor store in my errands, to push that responsibility completely back on her - but otherwise I just ignored it and went to meetings.

This really basic level of detachment really didn't change anything, but it helped me get the space to peel back a layer of codependence and focus on my own problems. When I realized how much of a problem my drinking and drugging were (as the source of most of my old consequences, plus my current inability to get to work on time, plus some obvious interruptions in focus on my recovery) and decided to go to AA, that's when things really began to change.

About a month after I got to AA (which was a bit over 2 months clean), I answered a question about my partner's drinking with "that's not my responsibility". It almost sounded like detachment! And about the same time, it really wasn't my responsibility any more because my partner stopped drinking. Now that doesn't happen for everyone, but it does happen more than occasionally - I talked to someone after a meeting last night and learned that his wife sobered up after he did. Also, if you remember Music's story his wife was sober almost a year via AA and he finally got the idea that he should stop.

One thing that I hear more than a few times in the rooms (both AA and Alanon) is the oxygen mask metaphor. When the oxygen masks come out in an airplane, you put your mask on before helping your child. If you don't save your own butt, you can't help anyone.

To get back to your question the way you asked it, even if he does stop because you beg/nudge/push/cajole/kvetch/gripe him to stop he'll probably be resentful and relapse wouldn't be a big surprise. We have to do this for ourselves.

That's my experience - I hope you get some strength and hope out of it.

James
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Old 09-06-2004, 06:52 AM
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Glad to hear you're feeling better Denise.

For myself I did not like anyone confronting me about my drinking or giving me ultimatums and yes if I were forced to stop I would have deeply resented it.

Nobody likes to have their choice taken away especially alcoholics with overinflated egos.

Stopping is a deeply personal decision and nobody can force me to make that choice.

Standing up to hubs and letting him know exactly how you feel is a good move on your part but attending alanon meetings may be able to help you with learning how to detatch from his behaviour.

Take care of you.
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Old 09-06-2004, 07:31 AM
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Glad to see your old self back on the bus Denisy poo! Yup, your powrless over hub and his decision to continue to drink. It's got to remain all about you, carry out your plan, and remain strong and determined.

I agree with Peter, maybe Alanon can help you deal with hubs.

The important thing is your back, and ready to give it another go, and I love and admire you so much for your courage to never quit trying! *hugs*
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Old 09-06-2004, 11:10 AM
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I've been on both sides of the street on this issue. I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. His drinking caused irreparable damage. I pushed him to stop drinking and he retaliated with more drinking to use as a punishment towards me. We have been divorced for over ten years and he continues to drink. In fact, he bought a tavern so his environment is surrounded by alcohol. He is an alcoholic in denial.

Over the years I turned to alcohol as my crutch. If someone confronted me with my problem or even suggested I had a problem, I became enraged, even though it was the truth. I didn't want anyone telling me what to do. How dare they, It was my business and I'd drink if I wanted to. My problem escalated to a point of becoming dangerous to my life, that was when I was confronted again and this time I was ready to make major changes. I had to get to that point on my own accord. I had known I was out of control, but didn't know how to handle it. Bottom line, the decision can only be made by the person with the problem. You can't make anyone do what they don't want to do. It's a waste of time and effort.

Good luck Denise. You haven't had much luck with persuading or giving ultimatums to your husband in the past. I don't know why that is. A control issue or defiance? All in know is my experience and it's results. It is up to the individual. Facing the facts of alcoholism is a scary thing. I know it was hard for me. Take care...

Talia
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Old 09-08-2004, 07:45 AM
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Thank you all for replying to my question. I figured me pushing him isn't so good, who likes being backed up into a corner, but with this I think it is a good thing.

I just did a test I found to do with PAWS, and it didn't turn out so good..LATE STAGE..pretty scary, but it didn't really surprise me with what's been going on.

I'm losing control, I want to stop so bad, put a lot of effort into it, but my thinking is getting so irrational, it's bogging me down, nothing worse then your thinking going every which way, being female at my age doesn't help, (wow can't believe I just said that).

I drank again last night, and guess what hubs said he'd help me, he said he wound't drink, but it was me who said nope we'll drink. Can you believe that, sheeeeesh. He's not fully to blame here, we're all responsible for ourselves, but gosh darn it all I can't believe how weak I've gotten, yep the nature of this beast.

I've contacted someone for help. I hope if any of you young ones read this, please heed the warning.

Thanks again everyone, I think I need to stay clear of SR till I can get my act together, if that will ever happen, I just don't know any more. Good old progression, and I've turned into such a procrastinator, I never used to be like that at all, if something needed to be done, it would be done the day before it needed to be......it's sure a different story now.

So sad about all of this, so sick, so SCARED....that last stage thing, was like a huge slap in the face, talk about being in quick sand. And no I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just so lost at the moment, I think I want someone to do this for me, boy do I love to dream eh?

One day.
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Old 09-08-2004, 08:46 AM
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Old 09-08-2004, 09:00 AM
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My thoughts and prayers are with you Denise. I hope your able to get the help you need and find your way to what your searching for.. Help is out there, reaching out is a hard thing, but once that's done it gets easier. When your ready, you know where to find us. We'll be here with open arms, ready to welcome you back. Take the time you need to begin to heal. Remember... you never have to be alone. I know your scared, but move forward and be strong. Don't drift to far away, for to long. You will always find the unconditional love you need here. Please don't punish yourself for being sick. We've felt your pain, to different degrees. Llife can be so unbearable at times. Don't ever quit fighting. There is hope and a solution. Take care...I'll leave the light on for you. If you ever get lost, look for the shining beacon.

Talia
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Old 09-08-2004, 09:05 AM
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Originally Posted by justme2
....I've contacted someone for help.....
******{Denise}}}}

Those are wonderful words to hear from you. Just follow through on that call for help - follow suggestions and things can begin to change, one day at a time.
Originally Posted by justme2
....I think I need to stay clear of SR till I can get my act together.....
Get your support face to face - you get shoulders to cry on and real love.

We love you and want you to recover.

James

P.S. Ditto Talia on the beacon - and remember that the light is always there for us if we're open to it.
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