I have a different approach to fear, guilt, shame and all the feelings associated with being true to myself and dealing with my alcoholism. I feel that every soul that touches my life in any way is manifested into my journey for a reason. People are placed in your path for a reason, for you to learn from. I feel that every association I have with someone, be it good or bad, is in some way a learning experience in my journey. Associations with others make you stronger, make you learn, make you realize, make you feel new things.
I believe that there is a plan for me and all the people that have touched my life in any way were placed there to make me 'get it'.
It's like when someone tells you a joke...you listen, you wait but nothing makes sense until the punch line. Then -you get it. You can laugh. I feel the same thing in my life. Situations happen and I live it until it means something -then I get it. It incorporates into my life, into my world then I can react to it and how it makes me feel.
I do not have a physical ammends list. I believe that ammends will come in due time when the time is right. That is how my life has played out in the past year and I keep the faith and keep the patience to let it flow and happen when the time is right. And it does. I have made ammends to people. But not in my time...it was up to a higher power to make the opportunity happen for it to work and be comfortable. It happens.
I sit back now and let my journey happen for me. Oh sure, I am an action person and also believe that taking action is important. I recently packed up and moved almost 1500 miles on my own because it felt right to be closer to family. But I didn't stress over every detail...I had faith. Like when my rented Uhaul lights went out. Who pulled up to the gas station pump but a state trooper who safely escorted me across a busy highway to a safer parkinglot. When I got out to thank him -he was gone *poof*.
Just little things that when I think back now I know that my journey is planned.
In the "TwentyFour Hours A Day" book my favorite quote is:
"I pray that I may not need to see the whole design of my life. I pray that I must trust the designer."
My second favorite quote is from Rafiki in the Lion King, who says:
Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.
Ok, so I rambled alittle. I haven't been here for awhile and have alot to catch up on!