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Cant seem to let the past be the past. Please help

Old 11-17-2011, 01:47 PM
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Cant seem to let the past be the past. Please help

Letting the past go has always been my problem. And alcohol doesnt help.

Now that I am sober since Aug, 12th I am having the hardest time getting over what I have done to people, especially one in particular. There is a part of me that is thankful that we broke up (she with me not vice versa) because it brought me to sobriety. But I beat myself up over what I did and what could have been. Her last written words to me were, "everything I believed in was a lie, I dont give a s**t about you, I'm even dating a MAN now and I'll never even think about talking to you again." I want to believe that she said those things out of pure anger / hate and not understanding. All that she knows is that I stole from her to support my alcoholism. Ohhh, the sick irony of alcoholism of what we do to people that we love.

The burden I bear is CHILDISH I know and SELFISH. I know absolutley that I screwed up with my diease of alcoholism. So, I give it all to God but that doesnt take away the feelings. Because the MAN that she loved is who I really am. I firmly believe that. I explained my past to her in detail, being molested as a child, etc... and it was "I dont give a s**t."

So I give it to God and now what!? Sit and wait for a miracle to happen? Just give it time and distance? Pray for forgiveness and understanding?

I know most of you will say, just move on with your life... True, true. Because I am trying. But those crappy feelings sneak up so I thought I would write about it instead of drinking over it.

(BTW: she is dead last on my amends list.)
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Old 11-17-2011, 01:55 PM
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Yes, you absolutely have to let it go. You made mistakes and she is gone and you need to use this lesson as something to learn from and to grow. I know it's sad and disappointing. The things we do as addicts cannot be undone and that's the hardest lesson of all. It's likely she said what she did in anger, but I think the message to you is clear. Move on and try to forgive yourself for what happened. She may or may not forgive you, and that's not up to you.
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Old 11-17-2011, 01:57 PM
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looking forward and backward is no way to live! Live in the now. You speak of AA rhetoric that does not let you live beyond the path you have made! Nonsense. Feel free and make amends with yourself and no one else. From there, cultivate a new way of living without the poison. Everything else I ASSURE will fall into place in time...
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Old 11-17-2011, 03:06 PM
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Thank you. I go to AA daily and it helps with recovery. And also helps me get out of myself for a while.

So I pray and pray and pray, then expect for Him to remove the guilt and shame? My family did not raise me to do the things I did. I only know the cravings for alcohol gave me anxiety / shakes (body and mind) and the anti-thesis of God (spirit) said it was okay to steal. Never in my right mind would I do those things now. NEVER! I'm an Eagle Boy Scout, Navy Veteran and Successful Businessman dangit! (Ego talking)

I just wish that things were different, but that is playing God right!? Ironically we once spoke that fate was working the day we met, and I believe that. Because there are no such things as coincidences. But maybe it was to save my life and not to live out our lives together.

But the cravings for alcohol are gone but the feelings are not. Because now I'm dealing with it sober and instead of drowning myself in alcohol.

And I really dont like being fake to others saying everything is going "Great!" because that is lying.

Enough about all that...
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Old 11-17-2011, 03:11 PM
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Hi wlaney

The past is gone. No matter how much we wish we could we can't change it.

The energy we put into wishing it were different, or regretting things, or feeling ashamed about the things we did is really wasted energy.

We're much better to put that energy into our life and our recovery today - a day in which we have a black canvas and a fresh start to accomplish things.

You'll have your chance to make amends later - the opportunities always come - it's best to wait until we're at a point in our recovery when we can deal with it...don't rush it

D
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Old 11-17-2011, 04:00 PM
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I'm not an expert on recovery and I'm pretty new to AA. I can totally relate to how hard it is to let go of the past. No matter how hard I try...my mind wanders back to dwelling on the embarrassing mistakes I made. I try to live in the moment and it's very hard to do, but we can't change the parts of our lives that were destroyed by alcohol. I feel like I wasted almost an entire decade of my life in a depressing drunken stupor and I regret it everyday. Yet I've relapsed at least 3 times knowing each time it would bring me back to the hell of physical addiction to booze. I guess I'm just trying to say that you're not alone in having a hard time letting go of the "what could have beens" in your life. I hope that one day you can let go and find peace. I'm working on it too.
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Old 11-17-2011, 04:38 PM
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When I first came here I was still drinking because I couldn't let go of the past. Every time I began to sober up a little, I'd have terrible panic attacks, filled with remorse and guilt. Dee and Anna both gave me the advice they just gave you, and after awhile I actually paid attention. It was only then that I was able to begin healing.

Terrible and sad things happened when we drank - sometimes shameful things. To stay stuck in the past doubles the damage drinking has done to us. We wasted years being numb and in a fog - the only thing sadder than that is never enjoying the new life we have right in front of us. Enough time's been wasted for us all. Please wlaney (you too mungrylionman) stop revisiting the past and reach out for the wonderful days ahead.
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Old 11-17-2011, 05:50 PM
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Thanks for posting this. The replies have been very powerful.

My "day 1" was August 10, 2011, so I am close to the point you are at, chronologically speaking. I have had trouble letting go of the past too - I really made some major mistakes, and I know I hurt people along the way too. I try to remember that I was sick, not bad, and the only thing that I can do is try to forgive myself, and earn the self-respect that I have been lacking by living right. Rehashing the past is super negative energy, and will drag you down. Let it go for now. What is done is done.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:27 PM
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While you're sitting in AA meetings every day, are you listening and watching and trying to choose someone to be your sponsor? I couldn't absorb the steps, which are the program of AA, by attending meetings alone. I needed a sponsor to walk with me while I took them. And there's where I learned to let go, forgive, make amends for past behavior.

I was a lot like you -- including the childhood stuff. But guess what? Even though bad things happened to me, even though I couldn't control my intake of alcohol, I still had to be responsible for my actions. My past and my alcoholism didn't give me a free pass. I had to face it all head on and own my behaviors. Only then could I move beyond it and recover.

So...find yourself a sponsor, one who's taken the steps and can show you how.

Peace & Love,
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:32 PM
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You guys/girls are AMAZING!! I am glad I am not the only one who feels, remorse, regrets and resentments. Before I had always been left because of something they did. Now I am facing the facts of what I did. That is where all of this has boiled up. Working Steps 4-7.

I do have a sponsor who is very vey faith based. Completely believes in the disease and spiritual aspects of alcoholism.

I just dont want to hurt ANYONE again due to alcohoism. For selfish reasons or for my own self gratification.

Speaking to other people about what happened (mutual friends, most of what I got was: "Alcoholism is a lame pathetic excuse. Your just a p.o.s...")

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by wlaney View Post
So I give it to God and now what!? Sit and wait for a miracle to happen? Just give it time and distance? Pray for forgiveness and understanding?
Did you sit and wait for a bottle of booze to fall into your lap or did you go out and buy one? When you didn't have money but needed a drink, did you sit around crying, or did you construct elaborate manipulations and ways to steal the money required? Point is; don't sit and wait for anything or you'll end up disappointed along with having a sore a$$. Get up, get out, and be the change you want to see. Take the energy and intuitive creativity you've used plenty of times in order to get drunk, and apply it to your sober self.

I've said it plenty of times here already... lamenting over your past as well as worrying over your future is, by default, pi$$ing on your today. I know I know, cliché right? Thing is, it's right on the money. Get out into the world and act as if you were living the best life possible. The bottom line is that the only thing you can do for the people you've harmed due to your past alcoholism is to live well, present tense. Amends can be made sure, but amends mean nothing without the fundamental change that comes with working the steps. Eventually your X will lose the anger over what has happened, and if your paths ever cross again while you're doing the right stuff and living an intentional life, she will notice, believe that.

Someone told me this a while back after I complained about my wife and had a pity party. Was basically whinging about all the things you are in your post... Here's what I was told:

Do the things you've wanted to do all along. Why not? Busy up your brain with stuff you want to think about and commit to something that challenges you in a good way, get out of your own head. While you're out there living right, something wonderful, perhaps even a "miracle" will end up in your path, and being sober you won't walk by it. You'll be able to see it and grab at it. That's how your HP works.

As a result of taking that advice some pretty awesome things have been made apparent to me, and I've been deeply touched by them. There have been a few tiny miracles that I can only thank my Higher Power for bringing to my life. These things would have been completely missed if I was still drinking or sitting around mourning over the enormous amount of things and people I've lost to my alcoholism. Most importantly though, from taking that advice I don't have to dwell on my past regrets because there's so much more cool stuff happening now, keeping me busy and giving me hope.

Get proactive in your recovery amigo, it's well worth the effort.
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Old 11-19-2011, 11:20 AM
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I just keep these few things in mind:

When I was young and asked what I want to be when I grow up. It was definately NOT, "I would like to be an alcoholic and destroy relationships and ruin my life." We do things under effects of alcohol that 'normal' people would deem us crazy and manical. In a sober life we are be the most loving, caring and gratious people you would ever meet. I know that is who I am. (Today and most likely tomorrow)

And feeling guilty has nothing to do with being 'caught' and everything to do with feelings of remorse / regret and caring for that other person.
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Old 11-19-2011, 12:03 PM
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Have you written inventory on this?
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Old 11-19-2011, 02:51 PM
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Omegasupreme,

Yes. And I am making my first attemps at reaching to make amends.
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Old 11-19-2011, 03:11 PM
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Originally Posted by wlaney View Post
Omegasupreme,

Yes. And I am making my first attemps at reaching to make amends.

The only question as far as making the amend then is, "How free do you want to be???"
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Old 11-19-2011, 07:34 PM
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Omega,

I'm not too sure I know what you mean. I want to free of all the self-hate, pity, resentments, remorse, regrets... And all the crap that got me here. I want to be free of the vicious cycle. I want to free of the F.E.A.R. I want to free of false hopes. Etc...
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:17 PM
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I have a different approach to fear, guilt, shame and all the feelings associated with being true to myself and dealing with my alcoholism. I feel that every soul that touches my life in any way is manifested into my journey for a reason. People are placed in your path for a reason, for you to learn from. I feel that every association I have with someone, be it good or bad, is in some way a learning experience in my journey. Associations with others make you stronger, make you learn, make you realize, make you feel new things.
I believe that there is a plan for me and all the people that have touched my life in any way were placed there to make me 'get it'.
It's like when someone tells you a joke...you listen, you wait but nothing makes sense until the punch line. Then -you get it. You can laugh. I feel the same thing in my life. Situations happen and I live it until it means something -then I get it. It incorporates into my life, into my world then I can react to it and how it makes me feel.
I do not have a physical ammends list. I believe that ammends will come in due time when the time is right. That is how my life has played out in the past year and I keep the faith and keep the patience to let it flow and happen when the time is right. And it does. I have made ammends to people. But not in my time...it was up to a higher power to make the opportunity happen for it to work and be comfortable. It happens.
I sit back now and let my journey happen for me. Oh sure, I am an action person and also believe that taking action is important. I recently packed up and moved almost 1500 miles on my own because it felt right to be closer to family. But I didn't stress over every detail...I had faith. Like when my rented Uhaul lights went out. Who pulled up to the gas station pump but a state trooper who safely escorted me across a busy highway to a safer parkinglot. When I got out to thank him -he was gone *poof*.
Just little things that when I think back now I know that my journey is planned.

In the "TwentyFour Hours A Day" book my favorite quote is:
"I pray that I may not need to see the whole design of my life. I pray that I must trust the designer."

My second favorite quote is from Rafiki in the Lion King, who says:
Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.


Ok, so I rambled alittle. I haven't been here for awhile and have alot to catch up on!
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Old 11-19-2011, 10:04 PM
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EmeraldRose,

Thank you... and your post made me laugh. Trust me. I am not going to post on FaceBook saying "Alright everyone, I'm an alcoholic. I screwed up. If I hurt you roger up and I'll fix it." lol! In the past I tried to make amends on my own terms and it only made things worse. Alot worse!! And it wasnt my intentions at all. And I went back to my old ways of drinking x 5.

I am just in a position to pray, pray and pray some more right now. And when the opportunities present themselves to make it right I will.

But you are ABSOLUTELY right. God did put us in each others lives for a reason. For a moment. If I would have continued down the path I was going, I would have lived a miserable, selfish, drunken life of my own doing and not hers. And she would be witness to it. And that is not fair to anybody. Especially to the ones we hold dear in our hearts. People deserve better than that. So, my amends could be just a simple 'thank you'. Because it did save my life and brought me closer to God.
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