Peter G

Did you sit and wait for a bottle of booze to fall into your lap or did you go out and buy one? When you didn't have money but needed a drink, did you sit around crying, or did you construct elaborate manipulations and ways to steal the money required? Point is; don't sit and wait for anything or you'll end up disappointed along with having a sore a$$. Get up, get out, and be the change you want to see. Take the energy and intuitive creativity you've used plenty of times in order to get drunk, and apply it to your sober self.

I've said it plenty of times here already... lamenting over your past as well as worrying over your future is, by default, pi$$ing on your today. I know I know, cliché right? Thing is, it's right on the money. Get out into the world and act as if you were living the best life possible. The bottom line is that the only thing you can do for the people you've harmed due to your past alcoholism is to live well, present tense. Amends can be made sure, but amends mean nothing without the fundamental change that comes with working the steps. Eventually your X will lose the anger over what has happened, and if your paths ever cross again while you're doing the right stuff and living an intentional life, she will notice, believe that.

Someone told me this a while back after I complained about my wife and had a pity party. Was basically whinging about all the things you are in your post... Here's what I was told:

Do the things you've wanted to do all along. Why not? Busy up your brain with stuff you want to think about and commit to something that challenges you in a good way, get out of your own head. While you're out there living right, something wonderful, perhaps even a "miracle" will end up in your path, and being sober you won't walk by it. You'll be able to see it and grab at it. That's how your HP works.

As a result of taking that advice some pretty awesome things have been made apparent to me, and I've been deeply touched by them. There have been a few tiny miracles that I can only thank my Higher Power for bringing to my life. These things would have been completely missed if I was still drinking or sitting around mourning over the enormous amount of things and people I've lost to my alcoholism. Most importantly though, from taking that advice I don't have to dwell on my past regrets because there's so much more cool stuff happening now, keeping me busy and giving me hope.

Get proactive in your recovery amigo, it's well worth the effort.