wlaney

Letting the past go has always been my problem. And alcohol doesnt help.

Now that I am sober since Aug, 12th I am having the hardest time getting over what I have done to people, especially one in particular. There is a part of me that is thankful that we broke up (she with me not vice versa) because it brought me to sobriety. But I beat myself up over what I did and what could have been. Her last written words to me were, "everything I believed in was a lie, I dont give a s**t about you, I'm even dating a MAN now and I'll never even think about talking to you again." I want to believe that she said those things out of pure anger / hate and not understanding. All that she knows is that I stole from her to support my alcoholism. Ohhh, the sick irony of alcoholism of what we do to people that we love.

The burden I bear is CHILDISH I know and SELFISH. I know absolutley that I screwed up with my diease of alcoholism. So, I give it all to God but that doesnt take away the feelings. Because the MAN that she loved is who I really am. I firmly believe that. I explained my past to her in detail, being molested as a child, etc... and it was "I dont give a s**t."

So I give it to God and now what!? Sit and wait for a miracle to happen? Just give it time and distance? Pray for forgiveness and understanding?

I know most of you will say, just move on with your life... True, true. Because I am trying. But those crappy feelings sneak up so I thought I would write about it instead of drinking over it.

(BTW: she is dead last on my amends list.)