Well I called the girl from AA last night and she invited me to a small AA meeting she's going to tonight. To be honest I have mixed feelings. I am scared that AA will be my life just as drinking used to be my life. That I will never get over the obsession of drinking or not drinking. That I will see someone I know or that if I tell anyone I'm going to AA, they will judge me. I have misgivings about AA because I'm not religious and I have tried in the past to find a higher power but it all seems gimmicky to me. (But, just pretending there is a god and praying has helped calm me down and make me happier- like meditation I guess). I don't like all the cheesy slogans and it starts to sound religious or cult-like to me.
But on the other hand I really like this girl and hope to be her friend. I need sober friends and am mainly going for the company and support. She is so nice to me without knowing me that well, and she remembered me from 5 months or so ago when we went to lunch after I stopped going to AA and said I wasn't sure if it was for me or if I was an alcoholic (she was fine with that and said she remembers those feelings. She has never been pushy). I also think it will help to talk about things with people. Like on SR but in real life. :-)
The good thing about AA is I feel like I belong (which is also the bad thing
and that the people are so nice and supportive. But when I leave I often have a very strong feeling which is usually very good, but sometimes bad. It's weird. But I am going to try it out again because I need to change everything and I want to make sure I stay sober this time. (Today is Day 9 for me this time).
I also have an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow after work (it's awesome that she does evening appointments!) and I hope I like her and plan to be honest with her, which I 've never totally been with my prior therapists (what a waste of money and time! - but it still helped). I am grateful for the woman I met at AA, and there is another one I met last time that I am going to call as well, and I want to strengthen my network of sober supportive friends. I am also grateful I have health insurance even though I'm not into most other aspects of my current job. Thanks everyone for all the advice and support. I'm grateful for SR.
