i have the same feelings. i read books on it, trying to figure it out. but it's not easy. i really have a chemically addictive brain. I drink way too much coffee, and my alcoholism is the same thing, consuming drink after drink after drink. I love the rush. The rush of booze, the rush of caffeine. If i ever tried crack, my life would quickly come to a screeching halt, because i know i'd never stop.
I don't like being 'in the moment'. I always want to change my mood. The books i read say "accept your mood, don't judge it." but after a few hours, then days, that gets really tough. Because it starts a downward spiral of feeling crappy, which leads to not caring, which leads to loss of motivation to change, which leads to feeling more crappy because i'm stagnant, and the cycle continues.
My solutions are to exercise a lot and read a lot. but i still have an edginess. And i'm not accepting that "this is my life". I desire stuff all the time. Then I think "you had that many times before. It only lasts a short while." But sometimes, that short while feels so good. But then it leads to a worse mental state.
There are days when i feel i'm 100% happy trying to stay sober. Then there are days when i feel i like a white-knuckle drunk, just angrily getting through the day without drinking.
I have never cut myself, and i doubt i ever will. But now that i'm trying to stay sober, i can understand how that searing pain of cutting can actually bring momentary relief from a busy mind.
thank you for starting this thread.