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Old 11-12-2011, 01:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

feeling really antisocial and lame lately.


hey guys. so i have about 3 1/2 months sober now which i am really proud of and happy about. i'm dating this great guy who is also sober and we hang out a few times a week. but i feel just really anti social lately. the days that i don't hang out with him i just work then go to a meeting...or sometimes the other way around...and then just sit at home by myself and eat ice cream and watch movies or sit on facebook/sr/email whatever.

i don't feel all that comfortable hanging out with my old drinking friends...and they've kinda stopped calling me anyways. and i don't really hang out with aa people outside of meetings. so i'm just in this weird funk. i don't know what to do. i don't feel like drinking over it...so that's a good thing. i know that will get me nowhere. but i feel like such a loser...just going home, coming home and being boring and doing nothing.
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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You gotta do something new. I know it is so cliche but start taking some kind of class. Or the gym.
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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When I got laid off more than a month ago, I went on a horrific binge, probably the worst ever but in the back of my mind I knew I was going to quit drinking and even then I started disassociating myself from old friends. Sober 17 days and still feeling quite anti-social. Quite a challenge too when you're unemployed but I'm making myself do stuff so I don't revert back. The TV is getting very old very quickly. Yes, feeling quite lame in the early stages of sobriety but lame is ten times better than constantly drunk IMO. This forum is helping immensely, everyone has been great. Stay positive. Not sure how I'm doing it but I am. Try some new things, I plan to when the fog lifts.
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I have no advice (since I'm home by myself a lot and don't mind it) but want to offer you a :ghug3
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi lbern. I feel anti-social very often in my sobriety too, but I'm ok with it. My job requires me to be very "on" and talkative, etc, so maybe I'm just burnt out on people from working so much. Alone time is good I think & in sobriety I spend as much time alone at home as possible. I too date a bit but I don't care to really let anyone in, preferring to take care of my home and my animals, read, exercise.

One social thing I did do, in anticipation of winter and the possibility of too much isolating, is join a yoga studio in September. I take classes 2X week and just love it. Met some new people, though I don't socialize with them. And my body really benefits.

You could check out meetup.com. You live in SF area I see so there are probably a ton of groups in your area, maybe there would be something you like...There is every sort of group imaginable...reading, philosophy, pets, religion, exercise, etc.

Congratulations on your sober time and good luck in finding what you need.
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Old 11-12-2011, 07:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Early recovery includes tremendous changes to the daily events of our lives. More often, folks suffer from boredom and a feeling of missing out. In my experience, I found boredom to be a great teacher. My mind became bored since I wasn't actively trying to kill it with booze. That boredom is actually your potential. Try to do spiritual things (play music, etc.), or pursuits that build character (volunteering), skills (career development) and enjoyment (waking early for a walk, bird watching, knitting, etc.)

Best wishes!
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Old 11-12-2011, 07:35 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I don't feel the anti social part but I do relate to the boredom part. I live in a rural area and do not drive (license suspended) so I get bored and lonely on a daily basis. I try to keep myself busy. Needlework, walking, yardwork and of course the never ending housework. Don't desire to drink but sometimes want to break the routine by having one or two. "Stinking Thinking"! It's nice to know there are others who feel as we do and are successful in their recovery.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I get that same feeling. I have found that it's best to force myself to step outside my comfort zone and do something different. I'm different so have to learn what the new me likes to do.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I would suggest expanding your support group ( great idea not hanging around the old crowd BTW), picking up the phone, hitting another meeting, writing a gratitude list and/or bucket list and doing some of the things you couldn't/wouldn't do when you were drinking.
You've started a new stage of life, and while the 'blues' are definitely a part of it, especially in early sobriety, your free time need not be ruled by them.
Congrats! on 3.5, it only gets better!!!
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:10 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I felt that way very often at 3 months and thereabouts. At six months I felt like OMG! I am such a dork sometimes sober, how was I even tolerated when I was drinking??

Well it turns out I am OK but not the superstar alcohol leads us to believe we are, and I am OK with that at a year plus sober. I was more dorky drinking by far.

I found out where that left me. Surprisingly it left me with nothing. Well nothing really bad or dorky. But I still did have all my education and the few truths I had learned.

From about six months sober I realized that we indeed need to start with a clean slate, and here it is before us, and many times we look at the blank canvas we asked for, and we see the paints we can use and choose, and that the brushes are all cleaned and ready, but for some reason we say we can't, when won't is really the truth we need to face. I was afraid I would bung it up again.

We CAN do this thing right called life, we have given ourselves that second chance that many wish for, and don't recognize it when it arrives. In our case, we made that second chance happen. Now all we have to do is use it. For me easier said than done, but I am working on it too.

I am wearing the T-shirt of my sobriety and it has the stains of a year of tears on it. But it also has the stains of a lot of icing from the cake on it too. Some people cry over the stains they can't get out. I am still learning to smile at how they were made.

It doesn't get better. We get better.
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I pulled up my collection of MP3s on the Mac the other day while cleaning my neglected home office and realized that I hadn't listened to a single tune in 3 years... talk about how drinking really saps the old you out of you!
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:33 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for the responses. I am sure it will pass. I guess it's just hard being in your mid-20's and being sober when you're surrounded with opportunities not to. I live in SF which is a big party city. Lots of my friends go out all the time. I passed up going to a show the other night that was at a bar because I thought I'd feel uncomfortable, even though I have done it since I've gotten sober. I just feel like everyone else is out having fun and I'm sitting at home alone, reading or watching a movie or whatever. It's hard.
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Enjoy this time getting to know yourself again. You're not missing out on anything really, I found that out years ago after having spent an inordinate amount of time in some very social bar situations on an almost daily basis from my 20's to my 30's. It was almost like it went from being fun to being a job so really, that's what you might have had to look forward to if you didn't become sober.
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Old 11-12-2011, 12:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hang in there lbern, you're doing great with the sober time you have. I am only 2 weeks in and don't socialize really but that hasn't been my thing since my 20's anyway. I have been keeping busy with work, the gym and window shopping. I visit SR a lot and talk by phone with friends and family who live far away (I don't have many local friends as I moved to a new state last year). It def takes time to adjust to life without alcohol. Maybe spice things up by planning an exciting vacation? Best of luck to you
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Old 11-12-2011, 12:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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i have the same feelings. i read books on it, trying to figure it out. but it's not easy. i really have a chemically addictive brain. I drink way too much coffee, and my alcoholism is the same thing, consuming drink after drink after drink. I love the rush. The rush of booze, the rush of caffeine. If i ever tried crack, my life would quickly come to a screeching halt, because i know i'd never stop.

I don't like being 'in the moment'. I always want to change my mood. The books i read say "accept your mood, don't judge it." but after a few hours, then days, that gets really tough. Because it starts a downward spiral of feeling crappy, which leads to not caring, which leads to loss of motivation to change, which leads to feeling more crappy because i'm stagnant, and the cycle continues.

My solutions are to exercise a lot and read a lot. but i still have an edginess. And i'm not accepting that "this is my life". I desire stuff all the time. Then I think "you had that many times before. It only lasts a short while." But sometimes, that short while feels so good. But then it leads to a worse mental state.
There are days when i feel i'm 100% happy trying to stay sober. Then there are days when i feel i like a white-knuckle drunk, just angrily getting through the day without drinking.

I have never cut myself, and i doubt i ever will. But now that i'm trying to stay sober, i can understand how that searing pain of cutting can actually bring momentary relief from a busy mind.
thank you for starting this thread.
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Old 11-12-2011, 12:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
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i thought i was the only one! i feel like this quite often, so i have taken my son fishing on the weekends...its still just me and him but at least Im sober! find somthing to do
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:19 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I am having a similar situation since I stopped cocaine - I just cant be bothered to socialise with people unless I'm forced to.

I have made myself leave the house to see people but its very difficult to motivate myself. Once I am out with people I feel better and it really helps me.

I agree with "Inparticular" - take up a new hobby/interest. Last Monday I started back at the gym and am using my mountain bike on a daily basis. There a lots of free museums to visit in London, so I am going to try and visit one each week for the next few months.

The more I force myself to get out of the house the easier it becomes, although this is not the case every day.

It's good that you are taking your son fishing, I bet he really enjoys that Are there any other activities you can take your son too, maybe this could be an opportunity to make new friends?
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Old 11-12-2011, 02:37 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Itchy View Post
I felt that way very often at 3 months and thereabouts. At six months I felt like OMG! I am such a dork sometimes sober, how was I even tolerated when I was drinking??

Well it turns out I am OK but not the superstar alcohol leads us to believe we are, and I am OK with that at a year plus sober. I was more dorky drinking by far.

I found out where that left me. Surprisingly it left me with nothing. Well nothing really bad or dorky. But I still did have all my education and the few truths I had learned.

From about six months sober I realized that we indeed need to start with a clean slate, and here it is before us, and many times we look at the blank canvas we asked for, and we see the paints we can use and choose, and that the brushes are all cleaned and ready, but for some reason we say we can't, when won't is really the truth we need to face. I was afraid I would bung it up again.

We CAN do this thing right called life, we have given ourselves that second chance that many wish for, and don't recognize it when it arrives. In our case, we made that second chance happen. Now all we have to do is use it. For me easier said than done, but I am working on it too.

I am wearing the T-shirt of my sobriety and it has the stains of a year of tears on it. But it also has the stains of a lot of icing from the cake on it too. Some people cry over the stains they can't get out. I am still learning to smile at how they were made.

It doesn't get better. We get better.
One of the Best posts I have read on this site, thanks.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:35 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Gosh,
I hate that lame feeling, it colours everything I do. Yesterday afternoon I felt like screaming, well I did raise my voice somewhat, I was so bored with what I was doing, it is part of my job I really had a strong desire to have a drink to stop the feeling. I even said to myself when this is over you can have a drink, by that time, thank God, the feeling had passed.
This morning thinking about what happened yesterday, I realize these feelings of boredom are very dangerous for me and if they continue I will drink. So now I am looking at what I can do differently. I have to be more "present" in my job. I think I am slacking off and I know it. When I do give of myself, I enjoy the job so much more. This I can change.

I agree with the other posters you need to find some other outlets you enjoy, is it possible to find a recovery group of like minded people who like to get out and about without drinking? Good thread.

All the best,
CaiHong
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:00 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Meh, "hanging out" isn't all it's cracked up to be. People, in general, are overrated.

Seriously though, I've found that the trick to having fun and hanging out with folks is to first figure out how to have fun hanging out with myself. I also find that the same thing applies to loving someone else, and being friends with other folks also. Love yourself first, be your own best friend, the rest get's a whole bunch easier.
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