Saliena

Hey Everyone,

I am not sure where to begin or really what to say. This week has been a total week of first time experiences for me. I started reading my old posts going back 3 years. And, what I found was a person who was truly only looking for a way to drink without suffering major consequences. And, now that I am facing major consequences I am finally at a place where the desire to drink is no longer there. Funny how that works isn’t it? I have no idea how it works… but, it is working.

Yesterday I was sitting in a courtroom talking to a prosecutor about my 3rd DUI charge and my options around it. Man did sitting in that room make all those feelings of self loathing and disgust come back up… and my first reaction was of course to not feel them by drinking. I was sitting in my car with a literal decision to make… I could go left and hit the liquor store and “work” from home… or I could turn right and hit a meeting and then drive into my office to be around people. I sat there for a good 10 mins trying to remember that FEELINGS ARE JUST FEELINGS and that these two shall pass. I called my sponsor left her a message saying “I think I am going to drink…” got in my car and turned left. I walked into the local pub order a beer and a shot of whiskey… and I sat there for close to an hour looking at them… and thinking… and crying… and then I got up… paid and left my solo companions sitting there… waiting for the next set of thirsty lips to drink them. I knew that if I took those two drinks that I was not going to end up in a better place. I played that tape out in my head… I saw where it ended up. And, I cried because I was/am so tired of walking down that road only to get hit with the same 2x4 that I know is waiting for me.
So, I walked into a AA meeting that was going on and ½ through… no idea what the topic was and I sat and listened. When I spoke I was grateful to be there in a room full of people who totally understood my condition and who didn’t judge me. I called my husband and he encouraged me and was proud of me. In the end yesterday I made the decision to not drink.
I think working the program of AA isn’t for everybody. But, it is the only thing that has given me the tools that I needed to be able to look at myself identify my feelings and know that they are only feelings and that they also shall pass.

I know I have a hard time in front of me… the fact that I could be spending some time away from my family at Thanksgiving in jail isn’t looking like fun. But, I am grateful that I have options.. and I am grateful that I have a wonderful support system that love me and will do anything in the world to help keep me sober. But, in the end I have to want more then anything in the world or it will fail… everytime.