What Took Me So Long to GET IT?
What Took Me So Long to GET IT?
Hey Everyone,
I am not sure where to begin or really what to say. This week has been a total week of first time experiences for me. I started reading my old posts going back 3 years. And, what I found was a person who was truly only looking for a way to drink without suffering major consequences. And, now that I am facing major consequences I am finally at a place where the desire to drink is no longer there. Funny how that works isn’t it? I have no idea how it works… but, it is working.
Yesterday I was sitting in a courtroom talking to a prosecutor about my 3rd DUI charge and my options around it. Man did sitting in that room make all those feelings of self loathing and disgust come back up… and my first reaction was of course to not feel them by drinking. I was sitting in my car with a literal decision to make… I could go left and hit the liquor store and “work” from home… or I could turn right and hit a meeting and then drive into my office to be around people. I sat there for a good 10 mins trying to remember that FEELINGS ARE JUST FEELINGS and that these two shall pass. I called my sponsor left her a message saying “I think I am going to drink…” got in my car and turned left. I walked into the local pub order a beer and a shot of whiskey… and I sat there for close to an hour looking at them… and thinking… and crying… and then I got up… paid and left my solo companions sitting there… waiting for the next set of thirsty lips to drink them. I knew that if I took those two drinks that I was not going to end up in a better place. I played that tape out in my head… I saw where it ended up. And, I cried because I was/am so tired of walking down that road only to get hit with the same 2x4 that I know is waiting for me.
So, I walked into a AA meeting that was going on and ½ through… no idea what the topic was and I sat and listened. When I spoke I was grateful to be there in a room full of people who totally understood my condition and who didn’t judge me. I called my husband and he encouraged me and was proud of me. In the end yesterday I made the decision to not drink.
I think working the program of AA isn’t for everybody. But, it is the only thing that has given me the tools that I needed to be able to look at myself identify my feelings and know that they are only feelings and that they also shall pass.
I know I have a hard time in front of me… the fact that I could be spending some time away from my family at Thanksgiving in jail isn’t looking like fun. But, I am grateful that I have options.. and I am grateful that I have a wonderful support system that love me and will do anything in the world to help keep me sober. But, in the end I have to want more then anything in the world or it will fail… everytime.
I am not sure where to begin or really what to say. This week has been a total week of first time experiences for me. I started reading my old posts going back 3 years. And, what I found was a person who was truly only looking for a way to drink without suffering major consequences. And, now that I am facing major consequences I am finally at a place where the desire to drink is no longer there. Funny how that works isn’t it? I have no idea how it works… but, it is working.
Yesterday I was sitting in a courtroom talking to a prosecutor about my 3rd DUI charge and my options around it. Man did sitting in that room make all those feelings of self loathing and disgust come back up… and my first reaction was of course to not feel them by drinking. I was sitting in my car with a literal decision to make… I could go left and hit the liquor store and “work” from home… or I could turn right and hit a meeting and then drive into my office to be around people. I sat there for a good 10 mins trying to remember that FEELINGS ARE JUST FEELINGS and that these two shall pass. I called my sponsor left her a message saying “I think I am going to drink…” got in my car and turned left. I walked into the local pub order a beer and a shot of whiskey… and I sat there for close to an hour looking at them… and thinking… and crying… and then I got up… paid and left my solo companions sitting there… waiting for the next set of thirsty lips to drink them. I knew that if I took those two drinks that I was not going to end up in a better place. I played that tape out in my head… I saw where it ended up. And, I cried because I was/am so tired of walking down that road only to get hit with the same 2x4 that I know is waiting for me.
So, I walked into a AA meeting that was going on and ½ through… no idea what the topic was and I sat and listened. When I spoke I was grateful to be there in a room full of people who totally understood my condition and who didn’t judge me. I called my husband and he encouraged me and was proud of me. In the end yesterday I made the decision to not drink.
I think working the program of AA isn’t for everybody. But, it is the only thing that has given me the tools that I needed to be able to look at myself identify my feelings and know that they are only feelings and that they also shall pass.
I know I have a hard time in front of me… the fact that I could be spending some time away from my family at Thanksgiving in jail isn’t looking like fun. But, I am grateful that I have options.. and I am grateful that I have a wonderful support system that love me and will do anything in the world to help keep me sober. But, in the end I have to want more then anything in the world or it will fail… everytime.
You know, I think alcohol is deceptive. I think we think we are doing what we need to do but it just creeps back in. And it seems so normal.
I'm just coming to realize that that is why alcoholics in recovery are so firm in their stances. I tested the one drink theory over and over again. I'll never be sure I've solved it either. But today I'm trying.
I'm just coming to realize that that is why alcoholics in recovery are so firm in their stances. I tested the one drink theory over and over again. I'll never be sure I've solved it either. But today I'm trying.
Funny you should phrase it like that as I was thinking earlier that alcoholICS are deceptive. Alcohol is benign. But alcoholics lying to ourselves and all those around us that our relationship with alcohol isn't entirely and irrevocably dysfunctional.... that was at the heart of it for me anyway.
Good for you for winning that battle. I too wonder what the hell took me so long to 'get it. I joined here in March of 08 but didn't get sober for good until December of 09. A lot of wasted time trying to drink without consequences... And that's just what it was: I wasn't trying to quit drinking, I was trying to drink without the consequences I knew would happen... like waiting for that two by four and then being surprised when it smacked me upside the head... again... and again...
It doesn't matter what got you to this point, what matters is that you got here.
It doesn't matter what got you to this point, what matters is that you got here.
Saliena,
Like instant, I also found found your post powerful, it moved me to tears. I will hold those sentiments expressed in your post throughout the day to remind me of the strength we all have inside of us to not pick up a drink today and to know the feelings will pass.
CaiHong
Like instant, I also found found your post powerful, it moved me to tears. I will hold those sentiments expressed in your post throughout the day to remind me of the strength we all have inside of us to not pick up a drink today and to know the feelings will pass.
CaiHong
Me too. Once I start drinking then I always just drink more and more until I am completely miserable. Drinking is like boxing Mike Tyson. He might let me punch him a few times just to keep me interested, but he's really going to beat the living $h*t out of me.
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