Now that I have come to the light . . .can it be saved?
About a week ago I had a big "ah ha moment" and realized that I had created a "make believe husband" and had not been seeing my husband for who he really is. I saw flaws in him that I thought I could "fix" or that over time he would come to realize that those ways were not the right ways and come to realize that.
We have been together for 6 years, married for 5 of those years. AH has been clean a little over 2 months since his relapse. He seems to be making progress with NA meetings and counseling. His attitude has been a little better, but I am wondering if it's all temporary like in the past.
I not only down played his drug abuse (he hid it well though) but I also wrote off his racism, non religious beliefs, super laid back and no need for family beliefs. I did not see him for who he REALLY is!
So now that I know, now that I have woke up, now I'm standing here looking at my AH . . .hell looking at everyone in my life as if it were for the first time. Like the fog has lifted and I'm scratching my head hhhmmm I'm not sure I like ALL of this now.
It feels like a rebirth! Part of me wants to just start over as if I have claimed a new identity. I feel that different.
So now I'm wondering what to do. I have been unhappy in my marriage for a year or so and then when my AH relapsed I really was on the fence. Now since my "ah ha moment" I am now wondering if now that I have discovered my codependency if I can now really start to work on repairing my marriage. The things that I am unhappy with when looking at my spouse seem like really HUGE problems for me. He is my husband and because we are married I feel as though I have to give him a chance to fix these things or at least say "well that is who I am". I haven't talked to him about my "ah ha moment" yet, but I plan on it this weekend.
Do you think it is possible for people to change these sorts of things? Is it even fair for someone to ask this of their mate?
What has been your experience? Has anyone’s relationship made it through once the codie "woke up"?