Now that I have come to the light . . .can it be saved?

Old 11-10-2011, 01:41 PM
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Now that I have come to the light . . .can it be saved?

About a week ago I had a big "ah ha moment" and realized that I had created a "make believe husband" and had not been seeing my husband for who he really is. I saw flaws in him that I thought I could "fix" or that over time he would come to realize that those ways were not the right ways and come to realize that.

We have been together for 6 years, married for 5 of those years. AH has been clean a little over 2 months since his relapse. He seems to be making progress with NA meetings and counseling. His attitude has been a little better, but I am wondering if it's all temporary like in the past.

I not only down played his drug abuse (he hid it well though) but I also wrote off his racism, non religious beliefs, super laid back and no need for family beliefs. I did not see him for who he REALLY is!

So now that I know, now that I have woke up, now I'm standing here looking at my AH . . .hell looking at everyone in my life as if it were for the first time. Like the fog has lifted and I'm scratching my head hhhmmm I'm not sure I like ALL of this now.

It feels like a rebirth! Part of me wants to just start over as if I have claimed a new identity. I feel that different.

So now I'm wondering what to do. I have been unhappy in my marriage for a year or so and then when my AH relapsed I really was on the fence. Now since my "ah ha moment" I am now wondering if now that I have discovered my codependency if I can now really start to work on repairing my marriage. The things that I am unhappy with when looking at my spouse seem like really HUGE problems for me. He is my husband and because we are married I feel as though I have to give him a chance to fix these things or at least say "well that is who I am". I haven't talked to him about my "ah ha moment" yet, but I plan on it this weekend.

Do you think it is possible for people to change these sorts of things? Is it even fair for someone to ask this of their mate?

What has been your experience? Has anyone’s relationship made it through once the codie "woke up"?
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Old 11-10-2011, 04:25 PM
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I'd just watch his actions, and not rush into making a decision today.

He is who he is, sober or not, he will not become a different man. Drugs and alcohol can magnify ones personality traits, however, that's it.

Keep working on you, codependency is difficult to overcome, yet for me it was a reawakening, a rebirth, for that I am grateful, I can now open my tool box, use my recovery tools and stop myself from jumping into the fire feet first.
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Old 11-10-2011, 04:48 PM
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people are wanting to change...not that they have to for anyone else except themselves...are you in AL ANON OR NAR ANON?....so much wisdom in rooms..

take it one day at a time...its time for you...no need to rush decisions, all in time...
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Old 11-10-2011, 05:15 PM
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I believe people are capable of change. I would not have been able to work on myself so hard if I did not.

That does not mean that others want change....or that the change that comes about I will like.

For a long time I felt responsbile that I was not capable of making them change.

I agree with above about watching.
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Old 11-10-2011, 10:54 PM
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Originally Posted by karrie1207 View Post
Now since my "ah ha moment" I am now wondering if now that I have discovered my codependency if I can now really start to work on repairing my marriage.
This is the perfect time to start work on repairing yourself first
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Old 11-11-2011, 05:24 PM
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I think anvilhead is right, you need to step back and see who your husband really is. Would you like him? Is he the type of mate you would like? If you have children is he the type of man you'd think would make a good father or role model? Try to be honest with yourself...it will be hard...but this is your life...
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