I like to think of myself as at least somewhat intelligent... but what you said really hits home. That's the part that I absolutely can't figure out.
When I slam my hand in the car door, I don't feel the need to go test the water again every 10 days or so, but with alcohol... forget it. It's almost like whatever mechanism I have to say no... just shut off when I got in college and out on my own.
All of my friends got out of the drinking scene when they got out of school... at least they manage it much better than myself. They all know I have a problem and have all witnessed my idiocy firsthand.
Yes, I've been going to AA, but I haven't been working the program. I have to start doing something differently. I want so badly to believe in a higher power, but it's like it's just not within me. I feel like the only motivation I can have is to be a better person to those around me... especially my parents and my girlfriend who are supportive.
Blah just ranting at this point. Thanks for listening though.